So much cry comes out of our hearts..
So much pain drips from our brains..
So much anxiety moves in our veins..
So much stress filled in our arteries.
With all this in our body..
We keep walking, talking, loving, laughing with others..
We all are the same in a sense..
We all are full of hurt in a sense..
How amazing it would be, if we could erase our pains..
But that's not how it is..
We all are build up to be desperate, needy,
For love, for affection, for attention.
Why Why Why???
Why so much desperation.
Why not assurance
Why not peace
Why not love
Why our being is so complex ??
Why are we so complex??
Why can't it be relaxed..
Why we need to be right.
Why do we need approval for being who we are..
Oh Dear!!! The pain's so much in everyone's eyes..
It just just twists my heart in knots when i see them..
Why is not there a single person without desires.
Why is everyone so hungry?
What do we gain from all this?
What is the meaning of all the suffering..
People strive not to react..
They meditate, they do all sorts of stuff
Some read stars some smoke grass..
What for ???
To ease the pain..
Some drink themselves to numbness..
They don't want to feel..
I have tried so much and so many methods for a calm mind..
For a heart, which distinguishes amongst no one..
I have fought so much with myself..
I have climbed such tall stairs.
I slip again and again..
I fail again and again..
People get the illusion of something nice and lovely..
But it's the same mud they see in them or elsewhere,,
I guess I have only managed to polish the exterior..
When will the shine enter my heart.. my veins.. my nerves..
When will I be above the mundane..
What is my path??
What path do I take??
So many questions.. through so much pain.. through so much loss.
Oh God!!! What is this place?
Where you dropped us into..
Full of so much hate..
Full of so much arrogance
Full of so much abuse..
Why have you made the vile things easier to imbibe..
Why ???
What game are you playing???
Everyday, Every hour, Every moment people debase themselves for selfish reasons..
What is the meaning of all this???
Why do we have to go through this?
Look for the positive you say, believe in love you say, believe in togetherness you say..
But the people who say they love you, are the ones doing the devil's work.
All we see is people working for themselves..
Why...
Why didn't you add care among the default settings?
Like a mother cares for her kids..
Why didn't you make us care for each other.
Why is being good a task?
So many questions... So many questions..
and no answers..
It is a war you say.. fight for the right side you say..
How do I know ???
Which side to fight for???
I can't even know myself ?
How would i know their hearts?
How would I know Which general to follow?
How Can I know ??? How will I know??
I can't I can't..
I'll keep writing poems of desperation..
Someday you give me an answer..
Till then I'll cry I'll cry..
And put my weapons down and wait for you to arrive..
Give me a lecture again.. like you did to Arjun..
It is no fun reading.. It makes no sense to me.. What you said to him..
Come be my Krishna.. I'll be in inertia till then..
I won't move an inch.. I won't support any one till you show me their hearts..
Make me see the truth.. or I resist to be a part of this Illusion you call life.
Time out god time out. I am not playing a rigged game anymore.
Time out!!!
-SA
22 October, 2017
01 October, 2017
"The Choice"
Standing at the crossroads of making a choice. A choice between comfort and security or fighting the war for your dream. A crossroad where you choose Sucess or uncertainty. What the heart wants is always so complicated but it won't leave you till you look for it. Work for it. Fight for it. The choice is simple but still, we are fearful to choose it.
What if we go look for it and it is not there. What if we go do it and realize we are incapable. We keep doing things where we are certainly incapable but won't do something we could easily excel at because it looks like a long shot. Not happening. Crazy . etc. etc.
So we keep doing safe things. Safe for you maybe. But if your heart is not in your work how do you think will it turn out to be. For the people, you are doing it for.
The choice is simple always follow your passion. As I read recently in 'My Gita' by Devdutt Pattanaik. A Warrior cannot be turned into a poet or a poet into a warrior. We should respect the guna inherent in us. Gita doesn't talk about conversion but only the realization of potential.
What is our Potential? That is the question to answer. That is the question that we need to ask ourselves.
What is our inherent guna that needs to come out? What are you? Are you a mango tree or an apple tree? What can you bear? It is not about ambition or desire. It is simply the realization of potential.
But since we are terrified of heartbreak, and so we refuse to fall in love, we are terrified of failing, and so we avoid struggles. We are terrified of the outcome and so we refuse to take any action.
We always like to take the safe route. The road that can be seen. The road that looks clear miles ahead. A road that your heart wants to take is so dense with fog that you can't see even 5 feet ahead. So you get scared and change your track. What if the fog is just at the start? You will never know If you don't try that route? What else is there to figure out? Nothing.
Take the route your inherent guna wants you to take? What are you inside A trader or a worker, A king or a servant? a Poet or a warrior?
#References from My Gita- Devdutt Pattanaik. (the text in italics are as written in the book.)
What if we go look for it and it is not there. What if we go do it and realize we are incapable. We keep doing things where we are certainly incapable but won't do something we could easily excel at because it looks like a long shot. Not happening. Crazy . etc. etc.
So we keep doing safe things. Safe for you maybe. But if your heart is not in your work how do you think will it turn out to be. For the people, you are doing it for.
The choice is simple always follow your passion. As I read recently in 'My Gita' by Devdutt Pattanaik. A Warrior cannot be turned into a poet or a poet into a warrior. We should respect the guna inherent in us. Gita doesn't talk about conversion but only the realization of potential.
What is our Potential? That is the question to answer. That is the question that we need to ask ourselves.
What is our inherent guna that needs to come out? What are you? Are you a mango tree or an apple tree? What can you bear? It is not about ambition or desire. It is simply the realization of potential.
But since we are terrified of heartbreak, and so we refuse to fall in love, we are terrified of failing, and so we avoid struggles. We are terrified of the outcome and so we refuse to take any action.
We always like to take the safe route. The road that can be seen. The road that looks clear miles ahead. A road that your heart wants to take is so dense with fog that you can't see even 5 feet ahead. So you get scared and change your track. What if the fog is just at the start? You will never know If you don't try that route? What else is there to figure out? Nothing.
Take the route your inherent guna wants you to take? What are you inside A trader or a worker, A king or a servant? a Poet or a warrior?
#References from My Gita- Devdutt Pattanaik. (the text in italics are as written in the book.)
01 September, 2017
"It is not enough to want" - Kevin Spacey @ Actor's Studio.
Here we go.
Student: How can we.. Help us appreciate this early experience.. these lean years.. these very difficult years.. leading up to the ultimate prize.
Kevin Spacey: There is no prize... Out there..(pointing outwards) the only prize is this one (pointing inwards) and what you feel.. and what you wanna accomplish. And If you can as you start out.. these.. what could be lean years.. what could be fat years.. aammm.. I.. I feel that.. I.. I very often watch a lot of young people sort of meander around.. without any idea about.. why they are doing what they are doing.. I mean to 'want' and to be ambitious and to want to be successful. IS NOT ENOUGH.. That's just desire.
To know what you want, to understand why you are doing it.. To dedicate every breath in your body.. to achieve... If you feel you have something to give. If you feel that your particular talent is worth developing, is worth caring for... Then there is nothing you can't achieve. You are gonna grow up with your colleagues.. you are gonna watch them have success.. and you are gonna watch them have failure.. and you are gonna watch how they deal with it. and they can be as much a teacher for you as anybody here.. aaamm or anybody who is privileged enough to come here and speak to you.
the video link : https://www.facebook.com/inthemomentseries/videos/943251232448159/?hc_ref=ARRLietkPXRdzwwkSsMbC3u9VGcwK2c2VzaWS4yxWDhtCbQ1IzkuuBSmndx80mjTZi0&pnref=story
29 August, 2017
Surviving On Water for 3 days.
Day 1.
Suddenly, I get a feeling that my will is getting weaker and I am being swayed by things, while other people are not. I want to be strong mentally strong. As I read in my childhood that 'WILL' should be the last to fall. It was by Swami Vivekananda, someone I really look up to.
It is not that I am not motivated these days, yes I am but I want to test this. I have lived without food for a day but 3 days on the water. I have never done that. As I think this, As I write this, something tells me no... don't do this you can't. But something stronger inside me says, You can.
Also, I need a shake up. From the time I got back into acting full-time life has been amazing. It is not that problems are not there. They are, but it is easier because I love what I do... I am a very clear person If I don't enjoy or love what I do I am miserable. Or I find a reason to love that work. I usually do. And then I am completely engrossed.
I don't have a blanket of religion to cover myself. It is for my will. This exercise is to make my will stronger, fiercer, braver, bold, daring, fearless etc. Something in me tells me I might regret this. But this is the beauty of our human soul. There is darkness as well as the light inside us. We are exactly like the universe. Where ever we take our believe it goes there. As Gandhi ji once said, If you believe You can or You believe you can't. Both ways you are right..
It's been 18 hours since I have eaten.
Last meal was yesterday night 26/8/2017 at 10 pm and right now it is 4 pm. Yes, I do feel hungry, very hungry but my stomach will have to make do without it. Since this thought of 3 days came to me in the morning. I had already drunk two black coffees by then. That's fine I guess. So I wait for 29th 10 pm.
Looks like I will be drinking a lot of water and taking a lot of pee breaks that's fine.. that's fine.
One thing, I am not changing my schedule. I'll keep working and not tell a soul about this. I have to play cool for 3 days. Let's see man how these 72 hours go. It is making me excited as well as nervous.
I am sure I will gain a lot of perspective and strength after this whole exercise.
I will keep updating this and post on the 3rd day as I end my fast with a soup that I will make. Cheers Man!!! See you on the other side.
8pm. 22 hours after last meal.
I am at my friends house sitting watching Badminton World Championship final.. I hope Sindhu wins this but all I can concentrate is on my tummy and what it is trying to say. I have started feeling a headache. I try and focus on my Breathing to ease out and distract myself. Not telling anyone was a great decision. I told my friend that I am experimenting with not eating anything after sunset. I din't want to tell him or we start crying and hope for sympathy.. oh look how difficult it is for me to not eat and what a great experiment I am doing.. Shuuuuut Upppp. Well, I 'll check in again after some time. He was talking to his cook and told her to make four parathas and I heard was make tea with out sugar. I told him she might make it for me too.. aaaa huh!!! Dumb me. Anyways.. ta ta for a while.. looks like this post is going to be long.
9:55pm. 24 hours Since last meal.
Headache. Feeling a little drowsy. And since I can disassociate once I tell myself. So my room mate cooking his delicious egg curry is not bothering. Even when at my friend's house he was having dinner I couldn't care less. I was drinking my water.
You know this pain has the feeling of love a sweet pain. A pain that a good natured person feels when his love is not returned. I'm not talking about obsessive one.
Damn! What have I gotten myself into. Tomorrow will be easier. the most difficult part is going to be the last few hours. See ya tomorrow morning.
Day 2. 8am. 34 hours since last meal.
I usually sleep for 5-6 hours but yesterday night I slept at 12:30 and though I got up at 5:30 the uneasiness made me sleep some more. I dragged my sleep just lying there going into sleep and then waking up. It was on and of with crazy dreams. Primal dreams I didn't have for a long time. Huhhh!! Even Gandhi had it so it's fine.
After I woke up, I sat in front of the computer with a glass of warm water. I hope warm water soothes. Yesterday night when I was talking to a friend over mobile I was feeling dizzy and had no clue as to what my experience of the day was clearly when I was talking to her. It felt like being drunk but in a better way. I felt really light like I was floating. Maybe I can side the pain because of my vipassana experience. Where you are asked to look at your emotions without Judgement just as an audience not engaging with it and feeling it to the core and telling yourself it is not permanent. It will not go on for eternity. Yes, It must be helping me. though I don't practice regularly but I have stayed in touch.
4:30pm. 42 &1/2 hours since last meal.
The head ache is constant and the feeling in the stomach the twitch is constant. I keep drinking water to feel okay. I was reading these blog posts where people had done these fasts for 3 days - 5days useful stuff. One thing I could relate to is that when I am working there is energy in the body while I am just sitting or back home I feel drowsy. As I was coming back home just now I was standing by the lift believing I had pressed the button. Things happen but I'm on auto pilot it seems like. I might just take a small nap as the head ache is quite hammering. I have rehearsals for the English play at 6pm.
Let me talk to you about what happened during the day. So the Hindi play rehearsal happens in the cafe near my home. So I go there and it is the Subham's birthday (cafe partner and chef). He gets the cake for all of us. I can't say I 'm fasting for 3 days so the guy there says you have a fast today I was like Ya.. Why don't you keep the cake in the fridge I will have it tomorrow. Tomorrow I will make another excuse. But the cake was sitting there in front of me as Nancy didn't eat her's. But it didn't bother me much. I was making sure no body came to know but Nancy said you look sleepy, Why? I was like am I? Oh!!! It is helping others not knowing. I guess sympathy makes us weak. I don't know. I don't want to make statements. Just writing what I feel.
The smell of food is all over. Since yesterday I am smelling samosas. I guess I will make a list of the food items I am tempted for and eat it starting tomorrow night over a course of few days. I went to meet a friend after the rehearsal in his office. They were eating gujias. Oh! Damn.. one of my favorite things. Then a ladoo was offered to me from Lal baugh cha raja.. I kept it in my bag saying I'll eat it later. Then came the turn of tea. I said I don't want tea.
The best part about this fast is doing things as they are meant to be not wasting any time. I am saving a lot of time from coffee breaks snack break, lunch, dinner. I can handle this but if you ask if I will try this again.. No idea. One thing that needs to be taken care of is the stink that comes from your mouth when you are not eating anything. I try and rinse with water time and again. I am careful but still when you are acting I don't know how careful you can be. I am planning a movie with a friend. Bad idea. But I won't change anything because of the 3 day fast. Anyways tomorrow night when I publish this I am free to tell them.. 'Hey, that stink that you felt was because I was not eating' A friend is very sensitive to smells. Let's see if she figures out. The point of the exercise is also majorly being happy when nothing is going right. Not brooding. I have kept my enthusiasm despite everything. I will also carry a small mouth wash. Problem solved.
5:50pm. Almost 44 hours.
The nap was a bad idea. as I lied down on the bed I felt i was shivering. Even in the cafe I was feeling colder. The temperature must be 27 but I am feeling cold. As I was taking a nap I woke up after 15 minutes feeling it's been an hour or so. and the pain was crazy. The time is moving slow. Time to put a brave face again off for rehearsal and I play an eccentric person full of energy. Oh God!!! Though someone who met me after a long time and had no idea about my weight loss that I did over a month said I am looking weak. I guess the weak must be the fatigue.
9:52pm. 48 hours since the last meal.
I am sitting in a cafe. A friend called and wanted to meet just as I finished rehearsal. I am working on a different scene with him that I had written. I ll talk about the rehearsal. Just as i reached Richard's place his guest from Chennai was making Chicken curry. The whole time that smell was all over.. ahhh!!!!! Anyways good to know I can love food. Maybe I'll enjoy eating from now on.
I am reading a character who has not eaten for few days. What an Irony!!! My friend doesn't realize it's been 48 hrs since I have eaten. I am challenging my self quite a bit sitting around people eating and drinking.
11pm 49 hours since last meal.
Oh damn! So annoying this feeling that I can just go in the kitchen and eat. Self imposed fast is tougher I guess, rather than when you have to do it. An option is always a painful situation to be in.
The pain is like a constant companion. It's fine. It escalates at times. The headache keeps variating. At times water soothes it. I am drinking a lot of water.
I am finding reading difficult. Sitting alone reading a book. Working, chatting is fine. When I'm alone I remember or else I am distracted by someone else.
I will try and chat with my friend. If my friend is in mood to or free i.e.
12pm. 50 hours since last meal.
I tried to read. Was very difficult could not focus. Then I thought about watching something. Started watching a Pakistani show on Netflix but few minutes in every body started eating. Huh!!! I guess I ll switch off my mobile and sleep. Chao chao..
Day 3. 8:30am. 58.5 hours since the last meal.
I slept at 12.05am I guess and then I got up at 6am first as usual but forced myself to sleep. My body needed that extra sleep. Feeling very good and energetic actually. No headache or pain in the stomach. a very faint feeling is there. I guess my body has started burning bad cells and fat. I have lost one and a half kgs. I will regain it as I start eating I am sure. Let's see how much exactly I lose. I need to think what I will eat at 10 pm today. It is just 14 hours from now. Today is going to be easy I guess. While I was reading a blog post that guy talked about drinking turmeric - ginger tea a few hours before eating to get the digestion going. Maybe I will have to go easy on the dinner today but tomorrow is going to be binging day. Eating whatever I wish.
One thing I miss is the workouts. In this last month, I fell in love with it. But I need to watch it too I lost a bit more weight than I should. This is my problem, once I get into something I don't know when to stop. My idea of passion is like that of a hopeless romantic. Once in, there is nothing else.
Like this silly challenge that I am doing.
11:20am, 61.5 hours since last meal.
I am the cafe ready to start rehearsing. I am feeling miserable and weak. But I checked my self. If I let myself brood on the situation I get miserable while If I sit down and work. I forget all about it. Also, my body provides energy as and when needed. I do see at times my focus has increased, the mind has gone calmer. I am not thinking about unnecessary stuff. Don't have the energy for bull shit. Will try and remember the lines as much as I can before Sam comes. He should reach by 12.
The guy who works in the cafe said that I look distraught. Time to pump it up. No one else should see this. Time to charge myself. Time to burn a few more fat cells. Body, common give me some energy. (Funny).
12pm. 62 hours. 10 hours to go.
I am feeling really cold. It feels like the winter. I should have gotten the jacket. Actually, It is close to shivery. No headache, No pain in the tummy. Just a funny feeling. I guess the digestion process has stopped. The body is not expecting anything.
3pm. 65 hours. 7 hours to go.
Just came back from the rehearsal. As I was coming up My mind was speculating what to do? What to read? I put my foot down that Either you go sleep or watch something. I am not doing any work. As anyways I will have to go for rehearsal around 6pm. Now, I realize the importance of taking breaks and chilling. Anyways my friends keep saying that I can do nothing other than work. I don't have normal topics to chit chat about. All I talk about is acting this and acting that. I guess It makes me a very good actor but a very annoying person to be around maybe. How will a girl fall in love with me, if I keep boring her with all the acting talk? I need to ease a little. Find other interests other than acting too (smile).
The headache is back. I don't know how much water will help this. The tummy is sleeping. It must be saying, "Oh Good no working for a while". When Sam came today, I asked him if I was looking tired to this he said, I was looking fresher than yesterday. I guess so. I had no difficulty in concentrating in the rehearsal, actually, I think I could focus more. Today, I was talking to Adithya another cafe partner and also chef. So I told him I want to eat something special tomorrow. Let's see what's in store. I am excited but I have no clue as to what I will eat at 10pm. Some dry fruits and then something. I said I will make soup but I guess not. My soup would be bland. I am falling in love with food. I guess If you want to find love stay away for a while. There was this friend who I used to hang out with and she was really annoyed with my lack of interest in food. I said, I eat only to live. Huh!!!! What a sad statement. Why only her!!! I irritated almost everyone by not ordering my own food. Because I had no favorite. What I understand now is that it doesn't make me cool. I recently realized it annoyed me talking to a person who had no favorites. For whom everything was fine.
I realize now that to be a good artist you have to live fully in every area of your life. Live live live.. Have fun.. face everything.. every emotion. Feeling everything is important. It is important for an artist to be sensitive rather than numb. Just a shift in thought process has changed my outlook.
6:30pm, 68.5 hours. 3.5 hours to go.
I am sitting in the cafe with a friend. I am very composed and my face is not at all saying what is going on inside. Actually, I am more excited and happy than troubled.
Suddenly after my nap my eye started hurting and I have no clue. It is still hurting.
7pm, 69 hours, 3 hours to go.
I am home waiting to drink my ginger-turmeric tea at 8 to start the digestion process. It is funny that I dreamt that I am eating pasta in my dream and it was so real, I can't tell and when I woke up, Oh! Hoo.
My plan of no one getting a hint has been successful. It was a good decision too. I am coming out strong after this exercise. Even my room mate doesn't know about this or my closest friend. I might try a five day fast sometime in the future. Will go watch some Netflix now. (Watched the 10th episode of Midnight diner: Tokyo stories. I was holding this episode for a long time. Since I loved it so much I didn't want it to end)
8pm. 70 hours. 2 hours to go.
Ginger- turmeric tea is here. Anxious. So the process started. 9:45 dry fruits and then soup. Thought wise I have nothing. I am exhausted. I might write something after a few days reflecting on the experience, my take away from it.
8:45pm 75 minutes to go.
The tea relived my tummy. The headache is fading. I guess I will eat some dry fruits around 9:30 and then go get the soup. and come back for dinner. I told my room mate.. He was tired wanted to order or something. I told him, WHY I want special dinner. He was angry. I guess. he said this is ridiculous. Anyways. He is making egg curry and rice with less masala.
Please if you are planning to do this do your own research. I am just improvising.
9:30pm. 30 minutes to go.
Ate 5 almonds & 5 Dates. Now off to the restaurant for a lovely soup.
9:51 pm. I am in the restaurant waiting for the soup 9 minutes to go. Btw, I lost 2.5 kgs.
9:57pm. 3 minutes to go.
The soup is here.
10pm. 72 hours complete.
Yipppeee. I am so happy. Relieved I guess. Whatever I am glad I did this. Tough but worth. A lot of Perspective, clarity and focus happened.
Thanks for reading. I know it is long but it was damn 72 hours without food. :-)
Suddenly, I get a feeling that my will is getting weaker and I am being swayed by things, while other people are not. I want to be strong mentally strong. As I read in my childhood that 'WILL' should be the last to fall. It was by Swami Vivekananda, someone I really look up to.
It is not that I am not motivated these days, yes I am but I want to test this. I have lived without food for a day but 3 days on the water. I have never done that. As I think this, As I write this, something tells me no... don't do this you can't. But something stronger inside me says, You can.
Also, I need a shake up. From the time I got back into acting full-time life has been amazing. It is not that problems are not there. They are, but it is easier because I love what I do... I am a very clear person If I don't enjoy or love what I do I am miserable. Or I find a reason to love that work. I usually do. And then I am completely engrossed.
I don't have a blanket of religion to cover myself. It is for my will. This exercise is to make my will stronger, fiercer, braver, bold, daring, fearless etc. Something in me tells me I might regret this. But this is the beauty of our human soul. There is darkness as well as the light inside us. We are exactly like the universe. Where ever we take our believe it goes there. As Gandhi ji once said, If you believe You can or You believe you can't. Both ways you are right..
It's been 18 hours since I have eaten.
Last meal was yesterday night 26/8/2017 at 10 pm and right now it is 4 pm. Yes, I do feel hungry, very hungry but my stomach will have to make do without it. Since this thought of 3 days came to me in the morning. I had already drunk two black coffees by then. That's fine I guess. So I wait for 29th 10 pm.
Looks like I will be drinking a lot of water and taking a lot of pee breaks that's fine.. that's fine.
One thing, I am not changing my schedule. I'll keep working and not tell a soul about this. I have to play cool for 3 days. Let's see man how these 72 hours go. It is making me excited as well as nervous.
I am sure I will gain a lot of perspective and strength after this whole exercise.
I will keep updating this and post on the 3rd day as I end my fast with a soup that I will make. Cheers Man!!! See you on the other side.
8pm. 22 hours after last meal.
I am at my friends house sitting watching Badminton World Championship final.. I hope Sindhu wins this but all I can concentrate is on my tummy and what it is trying to say. I have started feeling a headache. I try and focus on my Breathing to ease out and distract myself. Not telling anyone was a great decision. I told my friend that I am experimenting with not eating anything after sunset. I din't want to tell him or we start crying and hope for sympathy.. oh look how difficult it is for me to not eat and what a great experiment I am doing.. Shuuuuut Upppp. Well, I 'll check in again after some time. He was talking to his cook and told her to make four parathas and I heard was make tea with out sugar. I told him she might make it for me too.. aaaa huh!!! Dumb me. Anyways.. ta ta for a while.. looks like this post is going to be long.
9:55pm. 24 hours Since last meal.
Headache. Feeling a little drowsy. And since I can disassociate once I tell myself. So my room mate cooking his delicious egg curry is not bothering. Even when at my friend's house he was having dinner I couldn't care less. I was drinking my water.
You know this pain has the feeling of love a sweet pain. A pain that a good natured person feels when his love is not returned. I'm not talking about obsessive one.
Damn! What have I gotten myself into. Tomorrow will be easier. the most difficult part is going to be the last few hours. See ya tomorrow morning.
Day 2. 8am. 34 hours since last meal.
I usually sleep for 5-6 hours but yesterday night I slept at 12:30 and though I got up at 5:30 the uneasiness made me sleep some more. I dragged my sleep just lying there going into sleep and then waking up. It was on and of with crazy dreams. Primal dreams I didn't have for a long time. Huhhh!! Even Gandhi had it so it's fine.
After I woke up, I sat in front of the computer with a glass of warm water. I hope warm water soothes. Yesterday night when I was talking to a friend over mobile I was feeling dizzy and had no clue as to what my experience of the day was clearly when I was talking to her. It felt like being drunk but in a better way. I felt really light like I was floating. Maybe I can side the pain because of my vipassana experience. Where you are asked to look at your emotions without Judgement just as an audience not engaging with it and feeling it to the core and telling yourself it is not permanent. It will not go on for eternity. Yes, It must be helping me. though I don't practice regularly but I have stayed in touch.
4:30pm. 42 &1/2 hours since last meal.
The head ache is constant and the feeling in the stomach the twitch is constant. I keep drinking water to feel okay. I was reading these blog posts where people had done these fasts for 3 days - 5days useful stuff. One thing I could relate to is that when I am working there is energy in the body while I am just sitting or back home I feel drowsy. As I was coming back home just now I was standing by the lift believing I had pressed the button. Things happen but I'm on auto pilot it seems like. I might just take a small nap as the head ache is quite hammering. I have rehearsals for the English play at 6pm.
Let me talk to you about what happened during the day. So the Hindi play rehearsal happens in the cafe near my home. So I go there and it is the Subham's birthday (cafe partner and chef). He gets the cake for all of us. I can't say I 'm fasting for 3 days so the guy there says you have a fast today I was like Ya.. Why don't you keep the cake in the fridge I will have it tomorrow. Tomorrow I will make another excuse. But the cake was sitting there in front of me as Nancy didn't eat her's. But it didn't bother me much. I was making sure no body came to know but Nancy said you look sleepy, Why? I was like am I? Oh!!! It is helping others not knowing. I guess sympathy makes us weak. I don't know. I don't want to make statements. Just writing what I feel.
The smell of food is all over. Since yesterday I am smelling samosas. I guess I will make a list of the food items I am tempted for and eat it starting tomorrow night over a course of few days. I went to meet a friend after the rehearsal in his office. They were eating gujias. Oh! Damn.. one of my favorite things. Then a ladoo was offered to me from Lal baugh cha raja.. I kept it in my bag saying I'll eat it later. Then came the turn of tea. I said I don't want tea.
The best part about this fast is doing things as they are meant to be not wasting any time. I am saving a lot of time from coffee breaks snack break, lunch, dinner. I can handle this but if you ask if I will try this again.. No idea. One thing that needs to be taken care of is the stink that comes from your mouth when you are not eating anything. I try and rinse with water time and again. I am careful but still when you are acting I don't know how careful you can be. I am planning a movie with a friend. Bad idea. But I won't change anything because of the 3 day fast. Anyways tomorrow night when I publish this I am free to tell them.. 'Hey, that stink that you felt was because I was not eating' A friend is very sensitive to smells. Let's see if she figures out. The point of the exercise is also majorly being happy when nothing is going right. Not brooding. I have kept my enthusiasm despite everything. I will also carry a small mouth wash. Problem solved.
5:50pm. Almost 44 hours.
The nap was a bad idea. as I lied down on the bed I felt i was shivering. Even in the cafe I was feeling colder. The temperature must be 27 but I am feeling cold. As I was taking a nap I woke up after 15 minutes feeling it's been an hour or so. and the pain was crazy. The time is moving slow. Time to put a brave face again off for rehearsal and I play an eccentric person full of energy. Oh God!!! Though someone who met me after a long time and had no idea about my weight loss that I did over a month said I am looking weak. I guess the weak must be the fatigue.
9:52pm. 48 hours since the last meal.
I am sitting in a cafe. A friend called and wanted to meet just as I finished rehearsal. I am working on a different scene with him that I had written. I ll talk about the rehearsal. Just as i reached Richard's place his guest from Chennai was making Chicken curry. The whole time that smell was all over.. ahhh!!!!! Anyways good to know I can love food. Maybe I'll enjoy eating from now on.
I am reading a character who has not eaten for few days. What an Irony!!! My friend doesn't realize it's been 48 hrs since I have eaten. I am challenging my self quite a bit sitting around people eating and drinking.
11pm 49 hours since last meal.
Oh damn! So annoying this feeling that I can just go in the kitchen and eat. Self imposed fast is tougher I guess, rather than when you have to do it. An option is always a painful situation to be in.
The pain is like a constant companion. It's fine. It escalates at times. The headache keeps variating. At times water soothes it. I am drinking a lot of water.
I am finding reading difficult. Sitting alone reading a book. Working, chatting is fine. When I'm alone I remember or else I am distracted by someone else.
I will try and chat with my friend. If my friend is in mood to or free i.e.
12pm. 50 hours since last meal.
I tried to read. Was very difficult could not focus. Then I thought about watching something. Started watching a Pakistani show on Netflix but few minutes in every body started eating. Huh!!! I guess I ll switch off my mobile and sleep. Chao chao..
Day 3. 8:30am. 58.5 hours since the last meal.
I slept at 12.05am I guess and then I got up at 6am first as usual but forced myself to sleep. My body needed that extra sleep. Feeling very good and energetic actually. No headache or pain in the stomach. a very faint feeling is there. I guess my body has started burning bad cells and fat. I have lost one and a half kgs. I will regain it as I start eating I am sure. Let's see how much exactly I lose. I need to think what I will eat at 10 pm today. It is just 14 hours from now. Today is going to be easy I guess. While I was reading a blog post that guy talked about drinking turmeric - ginger tea a few hours before eating to get the digestion going. Maybe I will have to go easy on the dinner today but tomorrow is going to be binging day. Eating whatever I wish.
One thing I miss is the workouts. In this last month, I fell in love with it. But I need to watch it too I lost a bit more weight than I should. This is my problem, once I get into something I don't know when to stop. My idea of passion is like that of a hopeless romantic. Once in, there is nothing else.
Like this silly challenge that I am doing.
11:20am, 61.5 hours since last meal.
I am the cafe ready to start rehearsing. I am feeling miserable and weak. But I checked my self. If I let myself brood on the situation I get miserable while If I sit down and work. I forget all about it. Also, my body provides energy as and when needed. I do see at times my focus has increased, the mind has gone calmer. I am not thinking about unnecessary stuff. Don't have the energy for bull shit. Will try and remember the lines as much as I can before Sam comes. He should reach by 12.
The guy who works in the cafe said that I look distraught. Time to pump it up. No one else should see this. Time to charge myself. Time to burn a few more fat cells. Body, common give me some energy. (Funny).
12pm. 62 hours. 10 hours to go.
I am feeling really cold. It feels like the winter. I should have gotten the jacket. Actually, It is close to shivery. No headache, No pain in the tummy. Just a funny feeling. I guess the digestion process has stopped. The body is not expecting anything.
3pm. 65 hours. 7 hours to go.
Just came back from the rehearsal. As I was coming up My mind was speculating what to do? What to read? I put my foot down that Either you go sleep or watch something. I am not doing any work. As anyways I will have to go for rehearsal around 6pm. Now, I realize the importance of taking breaks and chilling. Anyways my friends keep saying that I can do nothing other than work. I don't have normal topics to chit chat about. All I talk about is acting this and acting that. I guess It makes me a very good actor but a very annoying person to be around maybe. How will a girl fall in love with me, if I keep boring her with all the acting talk? I need to ease a little. Find other interests other than acting too (smile).
The headache is back. I don't know how much water will help this. The tummy is sleeping. It must be saying, "Oh Good no working for a while". When Sam came today, I asked him if I was looking tired to this he said, I was looking fresher than yesterday. I guess so. I had no difficulty in concentrating in the rehearsal, actually, I think I could focus more. Today, I was talking to Adithya another cafe partner and also chef. So I told him I want to eat something special tomorrow. Let's see what's in store. I am excited but I have no clue as to what I will eat at 10pm. Some dry fruits and then something. I said I will make soup but I guess not. My soup would be bland. I am falling in love with food. I guess If you want to find love stay away for a while. There was this friend who I used to hang out with and she was really annoyed with my lack of interest in food. I said, I eat only to live. Huh!!!! What a sad statement. Why only her!!! I irritated almost everyone by not ordering my own food. Because I had no favorite. What I understand now is that it doesn't make me cool. I recently realized it annoyed me talking to a person who had no favorites. For whom everything was fine.
I realize now that to be a good artist you have to live fully in every area of your life. Live live live.. Have fun.. face everything.. every emotion. Feeling everything is important. It is important for an artist to be sensitive rather than numb. Just a shift in thought process has changed my outlook.
6:30pm, 68.5 hours. 3.5 hours to go.
I am sitting in the cafe with a friend. I am very composed and my face is not at all saying what is going on inside. Actually, I am more excited and happy than troubled.
Suddenly after my nap my eye started hurting and I have no clue. It is still hurting.
7pm, 69 hours, 3 hours to go.
I am home waiting to drink my ginger-turmeric tea at 8 to start the digestion process. It is funny that I dreamt that I am eating pasta in my dream and it was so real, I can't tell and when I woke up, Oh! Hoo.
My plan of no one getting a hint has been successful. It was a good decision too. I am coming out strong after this exercise. Even my room mate doesn't know about this or my closest friend. I might try a five day fast sometime in the future. Will go watch some Netflix now. (Watched the 10th episode of Midnight diner: Tokyo stories. I was holding this episode for a long time. Since I loved it so much I didn't want it to end)
8pm. 70 hours. 2 hours to go.
Ginger- turmeric tea is here. Anxious. So the process started. 9:45 dry fruits and then soup. Thought wise I have nothing. I am exhausted. I might write something after a few days reflecting on the experience, my take away from it.
8:45pm 75 minutes to go.
The tea relived my tummy. The headache is fading. I guess I will eat some dry fruits around 9:30 and then go get the soup. and come back for dinner. I told my room mate.. He was tired wanted to order or something. I told him, WHY I want special dinner. He was angry. I guess. he said this is ridiculous. Anyways. He is making egg curry and rice with less masala.
Please if you are planning to do this do your own research. I am just improvising.
9:30pm. 30 minutes to go.
Ate 5 almonds & 5 Dates. Now off to the restaurant for a lovely soup.
9:51 pm. I am in the restaurant waiting for the soup 9 minutes to go. Btw, I lost 2.5 kgs.
9:57pm. 3 minutes to go.
The soup is here.
10pm. 72 hours complete.
Yipppeee. I am so happy. Relieved I guess. Whatever I am glad I did this. Tough but worth. A lot of Perspective, clarity and focus happened.
Thanks for reading. I know it is long but it was damn 72 hours without food. :-)
25 August, 2017
An Actor's Dilemma!
I started acting around 2006. I have not done a lot of work because I made a promise to myself to save guard my interests as an artist. I have worked with a lot of people only once because I didn't think it necessary to spend that great deal of time again. As it would not strengthen me as an artist. May weaken me for sure. Sitting at home reading books was and still is a better option for me than to work for, or with people that I can't admire. So I decided that I would help myself grow with whatever understanding I could find, whatever would make sense to me. I saw so many actors stuck stagnant in their talent even if they were doing well otherwise. I told myself I have no business other than being the best version of me I can be. I knew what needed to be done. I knew I had to safeguard my interests. Safeguard the actor within.
So many distractions, wrong paths suggested. But how to follow the path which may take you the right way. I started writing this blog, "Learning The Right Way". I have been in this quest since then.
Figuring out the craft of acting. What it is exactly? How the hell do you transform from Person A to Person B. That has been my only quest! Very Important very very very to not be influenced by wrong masters. Find a true master or be your own. In this digital age, everyone is at your finger tips. All the great masters of the world can be accessed and I did that. I am not saying I didn't find great teachers here. I did. My first teacher Nadira Zaheer Babbar gave me the best gift a student can want, She asked me to read, read and read. She said it will transform you into the best you. Reading is magic. and yes it was. It was magic. Also, she said Hard Work is the only key to any kind of success. Total immersion. I got these things slowly not immediately. And many other teachers I had in my life like Juhi Babbar, Darpan Sir, Divya Palat. Everyone giving a new insight, Juhi Babbar is someone who showed trust in me when I was zero. She gave me a big responsibility. Even though others thought I couldn't, I didn't know if I could. It was the start of the awesome journey of self-belief. Now if any work comes to me. All I say is, I don't know how to do it now but I will know eventually. Same is the process in characterization for me I never know, the journey may be painful but I am sure I'll reach there. Darpan Sir- He gave another gem. He said where ever you work, make sure you do whatever you do with so much zeal and dedication that when you are not there, people notice. They say, where is Sonu? I took it too seriously. Divya ran an improv class and the best thing she taught me was that I could be free and uninhibited. Today the person I am could never be without these people.
But what I wanted to talk here was the dilemma an actor faces in this country because of many insincere actors. That it is become a culture here in India that directors show you how to act. You have a scene to do and most of them will enact it for you and expect you to copy.
I cannot agree to that. I don't believe in this. There are even senior actors who take pride in showing how to do a particular scene. The fun goes away for me. After I have seen it being done by someone what is it? Sheer imitation. Where is the thought, the discovery? To be able to say a simple line, 'How are you?" is a discovery you figure it out. What it means here? What is the relationship? What is going on? It is not so simple as copying someone else.
What do you want to show by enacting it for others? That you can do well. After 20-30 years of experience obviously, you will be better than that newcomer. But if you let that new actor experience the scene for himself. If you let him discover? He might just give you something magical.
I may have shown how to enact something initially but I realized it doesn't help. You have to show it again and again, every time. Imitation needs regular oiling while something that is a discovery needs nothing. Even after a year, that actor can perform with same intensity after one or two readings. Because it is in their heart. It is a discovery, not theft. It is theirs. We all experience life differently. We all feel in our own way. Some people feel much more while other do a little less. Let everyone find their own way. Don't walk the path with them show them maybe.
Let other's take responsibility. Don't think you know every thing because you don't. When we don't know major things about our own personalities who are we to dictate the understanding we have of the world to others.
Wouldn't it be beautiful, if, in a rehearsal, a director dissects the scene with the actor understanding the text and the subtext together rather than showing or telling this is how it is done? A fresher can never handle that pressure. Like you a senior can't handle the pressure if I pointed at a person in life and told you that's how I want it done. You may do it but it will be your version your interpretation. Wouldn't it???? Or you can give me exactly the same in a few minutes. You can mimic. One more question, as actors what are we looking at when an actor plays a role? How well can you mirror the mannerisms or, How well you can mirror the mind. The inner world.
For me, without the inner world, there is no outer world.
There always have been insincere actors but today the understanding of the craft is improving. All I ask you is treat each and everyone individually.
Don't treat actors as a group because they are not. Same like life. Every individual has a different voice. You can't generalize. Treat everyone with the understanding that they bring in with them.
17 August, 2017
The Love I Love
The Love I love
is not second guessed.
is not something to be understood
is not confusing
is not a maybe
the Love I love
is electric
is powerful
is magnetic
is firm
The Love I love
makes my heart warm.
It doesn't instill fear, whether It is real or not.
The love I love is not a rolling of the dice.
It is not something I would know by plucking flower petals one by one.
If it is not hundred percent I don't want any of it.
If it is not sure, then is it love?
The love I love pulls me and there is nothing I can do about it.
This is the kind of love I love.
I want to be pulled I want to feel the energy.
I won't spend days and nights thinking if it is there or not.
The Love I love is definite, clear and shines like a crystal.
If it doesn't shine I don't want any of it.
If I have to contemplate I don't want any of it.
If I have to weigh it's worth I don't want any of it.
The love I love is Bang on.
It is something that needs no words.
The Love I love won't have me impress
Because love is love, it needs no artificial ingredients.
The Love I love is natural. It just happens and no one can do anything about.
If it is only in my heart I will crush it brutally
If it is only in yours, you should too.
The Love I love is equally in yours and mine.
and there is nothing we can do about it.
If you know of a love like that.
If you have ever felt a love like that.
Then we can sit and talk.
or else let it be.
It maybe difficult to survive without love but
I want no half measures.
What I seek is magic.
If you seek it too.
Maybe we can look for it together.
Because The love I love is not in our hands.
Because The love I love shuts the logic.
Because the love I love needs no words.
-SA
is not second guessed.
is not something to be understood
is not confusing
is not a maybe
the Love I love
is electric
is powerful
is magnetic
is firm
The Love I love
makes my heart warm.
It doesn't instill fear, whether It is real or not.
The love I love is not a rolling of the dice.
It is not something I would know by plucking flower petals one by one.
If it is not hundred percent I don't want any of it.
If it is not sure, then is it love?
The love I love pulls me and there is nothing I can do about it.
This is the kind of love I love.
I want to be pulled I want to feel the energy.
I won't spend days and nights thinking if it is there or not.
The Love I love is definite, clear and shines like a crystal.
If it doesn't shine I don't want any of it.
If I have to contemplate I don't want any of it.
If I have to weigh it's worth I don't want any of it.
The love I love is Bang on.
It is something that needs no words.
The Love I love won't have me impress
Because love is love, it needs no artificial ingredients.
The Love I love is natural. It just happens and no one can do anything about.
If it is only in my heart I will crush it brutally
If it is only in yours, you should too.
The Love I love is equally in yours and mine.
and there is nothing we can do about it.
If you know of a love like that.
If you have ever felt a love like that.
Then we can sit and talk.
or else let it be.
It maybe difficult to survive without love but
I want no half measures.
What I seek is magic.
If you seek it too.
Maybe we can look for it together.
Because The love I love is not in our hands.
Because The love I love shuts the logic.
Because the love I love needs no words.
-SA
04 August, 2017
लेखक ढूंड रहा हूँ !
लेखक ढूंड रहा हूँ !
१.
सुना था लेखक सस्ते है |
तो मिलते क्यूँ नहीं ?
सुना था लेखक हर चाय की दूकान पर पड़े रहते है |
तो दीखते क्यूँ नहीं ?
सुना था सब्ज़ी से सस्ती कहानियाँ मिल रही है आज कल |
तो सुनाई क्यूँ नहीं देती ?
सुना था फेसबुक ट्वीटर लेखकों से भरा पड़ा है |
तो मेरे फीड पर क्यूँ नहीं दीखते ?
लगता है, सुनी सुनाई, अफवाहें ही होती होंगी |
अगर सच होती तो मुझे मेरा लेखक मिल गया होता |
२.
अगर लेखक सस्ते होते तो प्रेमचंद और शरतचंद हर चौराहे पे मिलते |
अगर लेखक चाय की दुकानों पर मिलते |
तो चाय पिलाने वाले निर्देशकों की फिल्मों में कहानियाँ होती |
अगर कहानियाँ सब्जियों से सस्ती होती,
तो आप खाने के साथ अच्छे धारावाहिक देख रहे होते |
अगर फेसबुक ट्विटर पर लेखक मिलते,
तो मेरी न्यूज़ फीड भडासों और गालियों से नहीं भरी होती |
३.
बात वही की वही पहुच गयी की मैं लेखक ढूंड रहा हूँ |
देखो न तुम,अपने अन्दर!!!
शायद मुझे मेरा लेखक मिल जाये |
कुछ दिखा???
अगर मैला लगे दिल तो पोछ लेना |
लेखक साफ़ सफाई में मिलते है |
कुछ और दिखा???
मन की चादर अगर मैली लगे तो उसे भी साफ़ कर लेना |
लेखक साफ़ चादर पर लेट सपने देखा करते है |
मन और दिल साफ़ हो जाये तो शायद लेखक मिल जाये हमें |
क्यूंकि लेखक कोर्ट का जज नहीं हो सकता |
किसी कमज़ोर या मज़बूत का वकील नहीं हो सकता |
एक भ्रष्ट या इमानदार नेता नहीं हो सकता |
पारो का देव भी नहीं हो सकता |
लेखक कुछ भी नहीं हो सकता |
वो केवल समाज का दर्पण ही हो सकता है |
किसी धर्म का गुरु या स्कूल का अद्यापक नहीं हो सकता |
दुसरो को ज्ञान बाटने वाला बोर नहीं हो सकता |
कपड़ों की लम्बाई पर तंज कसने वाला लोफर नहीं हो सकता |
उसका अपना कुछ भी नहीं हो सकता |
कही दिखे ऐसा कोई लेखक तो बताना |
बहुत दिनों से एक लेखक ढूंड रहा हूँ|
बाहर न मिले तो अपने दर्पण को साफ़ करते रहना |
शायद तुम ही वो लेखक हो|
जिसे मैं ढूंड रहा हूँ |
जब दर्पण की धुन्ध्लाहत साफ़ हो जाये तो बता देना |
कब से लेखक ढूंड रहा हूँ|
अरसा हुआ एक अच्छी कहानी पढ़े|
- सा
१.
सुना था लेखक सस्ते है |
तो मिलते क्यूँ नहीं ?
सुना था लेखक हर चाय की दूकान पर पड़े रहते है |
तो दीखते क्यूँ नहीं ?
सुना था सब्ज़ी से सस्ती कहानियाँ मिल रही है आज कल |
तो सुनाई क्यूँ नहीं देती ?
सुना था फेसबुक ट्वीटर लेखकों से भरा पड़ा है |
तो मेरे फीड पर क्यूँ नहीं दीखते ?
लगता है, सुनी सुनाई, अफवाहें ही होती होंगी |
अगर सच होती तो मुझे मेरा लेखक मिल गया होता |
२.
अगर लेखक सस्ते होते तो प्रेमचंद और शरतचंद हर चौराहे पे मिलते |
अगर लेखक चाय की दुकानों पर मिलते |
तो चाय पिलाने वाले निर्देशकों की फिल्मों में कहानियाँ होती |
अगर कहानियाँ सब्जियों से सस्ती होती,
तो आप खाने के साथ अच्छे धारावाहिक देख रहे होते |
अगर फेसबुक ट्विटर पर लेखक मिलते,
तो मेरी न्यूज़ फीड भडासों और गालियों से नहीं भरी होती |
३.
बात वही की वही पहुच गयी की मैं लेखक ढूंड रहा हूँ |
देखो न तुम,अपने अन्दर!!!
शायद मुझे मेरा लेखक मिल जाये |
कुछ दिखा???
अगर मैला लगे दिल तो पोछ लेना |
लेखक साफ़ सफाई में मिलते है |
कुछ और दिखा???
मन की चादर अगर मैली लगे तो उसे भी साफ़ कर लेना |
लेखक साफ़ चादर पर लेट सपने देखा करते है |
मन और दिल साफ़ हो जाये तो शायद लेखक मिल जाये हमें |
क्यूंकि लेखक कोर्ट का जज नहीं हो सकता |
किसी कमज़ोर या मज़बूत का वकील नहीं हो सकता |
एक भ्रष्ट या इमानदार नेता नहीं हो सकता |
पारो का देव भी नहीं हो सकता |
लेखक कुछ भी नहीं हो सकता |
वो केवल समाज का दर्पण ही हो सकता है |
किसी धर्म का गुरु या स्कूल का अद्यापक नहीं हो सकता |
दुसरो को ज्ञान बाटने वाला बोर नहीं हो सकता |
कपड़ों की लम्बाई पर तंज कसने वाला लोफर नहीं हो सकता |
उसका अपना कुछ भी नहीं हो सकता |
कही दिखे ऐसा कोई लेखक तो बताना |
बहुत दिनों से एक लेखक ढूंड रहा हूँ|
बाहर न मिले तो अपने दर्पण को साफ़ करते रहना |
शायद तुम ही वो लेखक हो|
जिसे मैं ढूंड रहा हूँ |
जब दर्पण की धुन्ध्लाहत साफ़ हो जाये तो बता देना |
कब से लेखक ढूंड रहा हूँ|
अरसा हुआ एक अच्छी कहानी पढ़े|
- सा
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