Looking for some answers..

This is not going to be easy. 

I don't know what is ever easy or what is hard. Something that I have never done may seem difficult but after a while you  can somehow get it done and after a little more time you might even become an expert. 

I usually say, I can do anything. 

Well it is not a factual statement just so you know. I can do whatever I want to do or I am interested in. And all this while there is not much I HAVE EVER BEEN INTERESTED IN. 

I was attracted to acting maybe because I had never been able to express myself before that. So it was kind of an outlet. Now I am in love with it. I can express whatever I want and I never keep anything inside. Somehow it clicked in my head that if I let my emotions flow as and when, it is happening to me. I would be able to do a better job, when I need to act. Though it is not quite possible to do this but yes I don't supress what I feel  which could at times come across as impolite or rude but the amount of freedom it has given I can never go back to what I was. Acting in real life is shit. 

And I am absolutely not interested in doing that. So when you see someone abusing me and I just absorb it. In truth it doesnot bug me I see the reaction for what it is. 

If a director loses their shit on set. I accept that they are in crazy pressure. Or in life if someone says something insensitive I ask myself what is behind this. What are they going through? 

(What I mean by these examples is that, I am letting it flow, don't let my calmness fool you that I am supressing my emotions.) 

Mostly, It is insecurity. I am speaking with experience because whenever I get insecure though I may not know at that time. I get edgy or my sense of right is wronged. 

This is the worst kind of edginess that we all carry.  *Our personal Sense of Right* 

I wish we all be fine if our sense of right is challenged. Usually people with frivolous sense of right get offended sooner. 

So go figure yourself. Let other people be right once in a while.  

The only place I allow myself to be edgy is the rehearsal space as politeness is a long route. I prefer to be direct while I work.  And I absolutely love when people who I am working with are direct in their  appraoch. This way you waste less time and the work progresses faster. Most of the professionals I have worked with are fine with this approach. The sugar coated approach is for amateurs.  Actually after a while you start appreciating the honesty as your work improves and you know no one is bullshitting you by saying things you want to hear.  Please please listen to what your seniors or colleagues have to say about your work and don't take it personally. Just keep raising the bar. 

Anyways, this flow of emotions and no suppresion is what I practice in my daily life but for some major emotions there is suppresion and I am working to break those barriers till I can be alive in the moment without boundations of past or future. Sometimes I feel this quest is professional as well as Spiritual. 

Though what annoys me is that I am still nowhere close to being perfect. Sometimes I am terrible. I am still struggling. I guess, acceptance of my limitations might set me free and then I could reach the place we all want to reach.

Nothing is clear. The point is to keep having these questions and the figuring will keep happening. 

There is not going to be an end to figuring. It is going to be a constant process. I am ready to work. 

Bring it on. All the confusions will dissolve and New ones will be born. 

You lose only when your  confusions remain the same for a longer period. 

That could be due to some psychosis. See a therapist or something..

Ask Away. Dive into those questions.  

As I go, one last thing. Stop expecting from others and stop dying for other's expections. 

I can't even tell you how free you are when you just flow. 

Keep it light folks..  And Let it flow.