well well well..

well well well
today is the 25th day of the second month of the year..

happens to be the birthday of my sister..

wooo!!! lucky to have her in my life..

as a kid,  i would always be eager to be around her..

she was my star.. and i was star struck fan..
i remember once i had gone to meet her  when she was in hostel..
they dint let us meet.. i was kind of broken.. a bit sad..

then i started growing up..

i got in my teen.. her care started looking like intrusion..

i wish i had given her the control..
i wish i had i had let her shape me..
i wish i had not been stubborn..
i wish i had understood her love..

but i was foolish bugger..
what i learnt or i am still learning would have been made easier by her guidance..

well only if we could see our future..
we would know how to behave..
well we cant..

only our past shapes our future...

but well you are meant to learn your lessons the hard way..

when i was in my 10th grade.. she got married..

the day of her wedding i realized..

oh damn i am gonna miss her..
damn she will not be there to keep a check on me..

well no matter how much freedom you desire it is always awesome to have someone monitor your ways..

keep you on track..

slowly i understood what she stood for..

after she left..

we got more close..

she became my friend after a few years..

one thing that she gave me was..

she always listened to all my crap..
all my blabber..
all my day dreaming...
and take it all in without judging..

those who dont have somone to listen to their thoughts know what i mean..

but the best part was..

she would always give me reality checks..
she would never agree to something what didn't appear plausible..

she would  always tell me, that i was not being realist..

i know that hurts but thats better

you know someone, who would not fool you..

someone you can trust to be authentic..


authenticity is what we need in our people..

she is there for me.. she will always be there for me..

i can't express how happy it makes to have such a cool awesome sister..

love you my sister... i wish you a awesome birthday..

may this year be as you want it to be..

may you be as cool authentic and awesome for ever..

i know one thing that you are too sensitive..

tone it down sis..

dont bother what others are doing or saying..
well you cant control them...

you are too awesome to be bogged down by insensitivity around..

you be who you are..

that what i wish for you on your birthday..

i want to see my sister

fearless, happy with a big smile, always..

i hope you will be having a fun time with your amazing family..

wish i was there with you..

Happy Birthday Sister.. :)

your delusional Brother

love you always..

just the smile... :-)

the suffocation in my lungs

that had always been there

unable to breathe

unable to walk

unable to see

unable to speak

unable to listen

unable to believe

freely, truly, crazily

that suffocation left me today

the doubt, the anger , the suspicion

on my world

on my city

on my colony

on my home

on my friends

on my family

on my lover

left me today

that suffocation left me today

as I awoke only a hint of suffocation was there

just a hint

telling me that the suffocation has left me

which made me doubt myself

which made me doubt my worthiness

which made me doubt my existence

which made me bitter

it left me today

that suffocation left me today..

as the sun, woke me up with it’s first rays..

I looked out of the window

Took a deep breath

And realized that the suffocation had left…

And that I was perfect

I needed no change

I vaporized then

I mixed into the universe

…

At that moment

I realized the truth of my existence…

I and the universe are the same..

I am the universe and the universe is me..

There is no bifurcation

There shall be no fight

There shall be no tears

There shall be no jealousy

Because everyone is me and I am everyone.

This realization set me free

And I could breathe myself

I could dissolve

I could float

I could fly

Go anywhere

Be with anyone

Because there is no VIBGYOR 

There’s just the rainbow

Rainbow is the only truth

There is no red, white, black, yellow, orange, purple..

And as I floated inside myself..

The make believe lips of mine

Generated a smile

And that smile was carved on my make believe face

like the stone paintings of the past

to remain etched forever

now the universe is smiling…

&  what remains is

just The smile..

just the smile..

-       

                    -   SA 

Cliche

Renoir hated the cliché. He would quote his father about

bringing an idea into existence. "If you paint the leaf on a tree

without using a model," Renoir told us the great Impressionistic

painter once said, "your imagination will only supply you with a few

leaves; but Nature offers you millions, all on the same tree. No two

leaves are exactly the same. The artist who paints only what is in his

mind must very soon repeat himself." If you look at Renoir's great

paintings, you'll see what he meant. No two leaves, no two flowers,

no two people are ever painted in the same way

Fragile Friend...

                                                     Fragile Friend…
             
              "A friend in love with you is your Fragile friend. Handle with Care”

Love is all around you and yes, Love actually does exist but sometimes it may not be for you or you or you. It will be there but of use to you, like mismatched pair of clothes, mismatched pair of shoes. You may see it but will not be able to use it.

What happens then,

Falling asleep with tearful eyes Shalini had asked, Atul what is wrong, we would talk so much, why don’t we talk these days..

“because when people meet for the first time they have a lot to share, maybe we completed our share of talks and don’t have much to exchange”.

After saying this and asking her about her day and a few other things, he said good night and cut the phone. She felt really hurt. She had fallen in love with him and he was behaving as if she was of no importance to him. She cried a lot that night. Her room mate asked her what was wrong. She said, nothing and switched off the light.  What could she say, the guy that I have been talking a lot about these days, going crazy for, has no feelings for me, I’m non-existent, I am a reject.

While Atul was not bothered he felt nothing about this situation because he had no feelings for her. She was a friend. In his mind, he never felt that she would be crying thinking about him. According to him, he had been fair towards her. Yes, they had met regularly, he may have considered being involved with her romantically but he didn't want to now, he had threw that idea out of his mind. He didn't seem to be on the same plane with her. He wanted to take a step back and include her among his group of friends. He would give her a special status of a close friend but that’s all he could do.  He was happy in his world, he was worried about his own problems. He was not empathetic to a problem that he didn't understand. Maybe, because he had never been in that position. He had never really loved a girl. He had his share of crushes but was unaware of love and he had not been in a situation where a girl had told him that she didn't feel for her and let’s be friends. So, he had no idea about her position. He had never been in love. He didn't know what it is to be in love and not being loved back. Lucky chap.

But Atul did know something. You get what you give. The hurt that he was  giving  Shalini, he will have to feel that to. Well, he knew this philosophy but he was not aware that he was hurting the girl because he was not bothered or aware about what was happening to her. So, even if he didn't come under the scanner of this one. This boy will have to have a bear a heart break. No matter how safe he played because when anyone  falls in love, they don’t know safe or dangerous. They just love and are vulnerable. It’s chance. There are 99% chances of a heart break. Atul was waiting for his.

The problem with Shalini was that in those 3 years that she spent with Atul, she never confessed her feelings. She hoped, he would fall in love with her. He would tell her that she is the most beautiful girl in the world and tell her how much in love he was. . But, it was not meant to be. There were a lot of things hindering their association. Her friends, his friends. No one interested in meddling in their relationship or friendship. Also, Since he didn't have the love fluid pumping in his brains. So, he could see her flaws.

Every time Shalini wanted something from Atul, he did or didn't depending on his mood. He would be blunt at times. Annoyed by her constant need for attention. He was not in love with her so the amount of care and attention he could give her was limited and her expectation was more because she was hoping someday he will realize her importance. He will be able to see me as I see him. He will be able to see me as a lover.
She knew how loved worked. It may happen, it may not. But she was ready to wait. For her, he was perfect. He was the one. She could not see his flaws. She could not see his coldness. His simple good gesture would make her heart warm. In his loneliness when he would call her and talk with an added interest, she would bring up her hopes. Her heart would start beating faster.

But the next day he would change, he would go back to being his old self. Slowly, he came to realize that she was totally in love with him. He contemplated, he thought, and by doing this he felt something. He might have considered his loneliness, his general lust for love and ruin her life by marrying her as when he would realize he didn't love her, what a miserable situation it would be for her to live with a person whom she loves so much. Who is her husband but so aloof. Who says he loves her, kisses her, makes love to her but never makes her feel  a thing. How sad it would have been for both of them.

He had planned to propose her, though he was not attracted to her, sexually or otherwise. He thought she is in my life and no one seems to come, it may be for a reason. I don’t seem to be in love with any other. Maybe I love her and by constantly thinking about her and giving himself the idea that he loved her. He created an illusion that he was in love.

Shalini was saved by her friend, Anita who was her close friend but hated her deep inside. She must have her reasons. Everyone has their reasons. She knew how madly Shalini was in love with Atul. The day before, he was planning to propose, by chance, he meet Anita  and hinted her about his intentions. She ignored that fact that she knew about their equation. She started giving out information about Shalini that did not make her look good. Some true Some false.

When, Atul met Shalini the next day. He decided against it. He said to himself, if I have to think then it is not love. Her hopes had died last night. She didn't know that, She was not aware. She didn't know it was best  for her. In fact, it is said it is better to marry someone who you don’t love and they don’t love you than marrying someone you love and they don’t love you. Because love may happen or it may not and if it doesn't then you are in a bad bad situation.

All this applies, if you are so desperate to get married otherwise you may wait for someone to come along whom you will love and they will love you too.

So, heartbroken Shalini didn't know the best thing had happened in her life. That Atul had finally ruled out any ideas of being in love with her. She couldn't understand that because she was completely in love and didn't have the capacity to think. She made another try with the help of a male friend. He called Atul and told him that Shalini is going out with a mad immoral dog.  She is going to ruin her life. Atul told him, why are you telling me all this, call her family.

He knew  Shalini was behind the call otherwise how will that guy have his number. He had never known that guy and before the call ended he had forgotten his name.  He was sad at her stupidity. He hoped, she would tell him that she loved him and he would make her understand that it is not possible. Set her free.  Simply, because he didn't love her and what else is important.

With time, Shalini could not bear the pain of being in company of Atul. It would pain her to see him ignorant of her love. She didn't blame him but she could not cope with it. That’s all. She slowly drifted apart from him. She broke all contacts with him. Slowly, she didn't want to be his friend anymore. He didn't understand why??? He understood after a while, after few years. He knew now that a person who is in love with you and you don’t. They are your Fragile friend. They always expect something more, not deliberately but their heart makes them. The heart never gives up the hope. He understood this when he fell in love. He knew now that your fragile friend had legal and mental rights to cut you off, to live maybe.

He didn't understand the effect one missed call, one un-replied message , one cancelled plan would have on her. He didn't understand that every time she heard him talk about another girl. Every time, she saw him eyeing another girl. Her heart broke into pieces.

He didn't know all this. He wondered why he had to lose a good friend. He didn't see her Fragile friend breaking every time he missed dozens of her calls and called her after weeks and behaved as if nothing had happened. He could not see her break into tiny tiny pieces because it was inside. It was inside her heart.

He did understand when he fell in love. He did understand what it means to be someone’s fragile friend. He understood her position. He was not angry with her now.

She on the other hand found a guy who loved her. Though, She didn't but thinking she understands what it means to be a fragile friend. She will be able empathize with him. Fall in love someday.

She didn't realize no one can feel another’s pain. Everyone has to live their own pain.

She didn't know her heart will always long for Atul. She didn't know a half complete story always stays. A complete one may fizzle out but what didn't happen will always be there. She didn't know all this. She had no idea and she married that guy.

Same goes for Atul though he had the first hand experience of being a fragile friend and having a fragile friend earlier but he will to never be able to handle a fragile friend perfectly. No one can. You are not on the same wave length.

What is Fragile will get cracked, broken time and again. You can’t help it. You can only handle with care that’s all.

The next time Atul has a Fragile friend he will handle with care but won’t be able to stop her tears because a fragile one is illogical.

Poor Shalini is having a tough time handling her Fragile Husband. She hopes she falls in love with him so that She can play a good wife. But Poor Shalini is able to see all his flaws which love makes invisible or blurred. Making it difficult for her to make a transition from a sympathizer to a lover.She keeps pondering how do you fall in love with someone after you know them completely with all their plus and minuses. This question will haunt her like the hen and Egg question has haunted the human kind.

What came before the hen or the egg???

Hope, better sense prevails and she understands that Life is big and there are other important things in life than to erase the pain of your heart.

When there is heart, there is pain.

If she doesn't want to feel pain, she will have to erase her heart.

One thing for Sure they have understood. Fragility is in everyone. Everyone is a fragile friend. Everyone has a Fragile Friend.

Both of them in their Heart do understand one thing though.

“Lets take care of each other, Let’s Handle every one with care. Let’s ease the hurting hearts because you are, I am, all of us are in pain”.

Hope, he finds love and she falls in love with the husband. That's all there is to their tale.

PS.
1. No matter how hard you try you cannot keep your Fragile friend happy. So just be you. Be a friend. Don't try.

2.Kill the hope of your fragile friend, if you are sure about it and help them move forward. Ask them to look ahead.

3. If they order you to do this and that, Give them a reality check.

4. If you find them of psychotic kind and obsessive, go straight away to the police station. Get a restraining order and don’t take it lightly. Also don’t stress much about them. Medication will cure them. If not, not your problem. Chill !!!

5. Will come up with a sequel "Broken Friend", an obsessive lover is not your friend, they are not fragile they are broken. Don’t follow them around with fevicol let their folks do that, you stay away.

Learning the real language of Communication: reading between the lines

Learning the real language of Communication: reading between the lines

Communication: letting the other person or a group of people know what you want from them. 

That’s what communication is.

I have never believed myself to be a good communicator of what I have wanted. As a kid, I was always clueless how to let people know of my feelings. I was always scared  that it would be denied. This has to do something with my childhood spent in the prison called hostel. I was admitted to a hostel when I was four and a half. So, as you can imagine  when I was out, I was some rat scared of all the cats if I asked my share of cheese.

As, a kid I would not be stubborn. I would ask once if it was a No. I would take that as a Genuine No. I never could learn the art of communication. I never was able to play Communication communication.

Once one of my brothers asked me, why don’t I show stubbornness like other kids or request. What I could say, I was not aware that was the general way to communicate get what you want.

I have always preferred the straight way. Say what you want straight away no beating around the bush. But beating around the bush is the common way. Let it be, why do I care.

I care about just one thing. My growth should not be hampered because of this human stupidity. Because of the flaw in communication in such a wide scale.

I wanted a simple way of communication with minimal contact  with my fellow humans because I love my lone time. I don’t want crowd that is the result of this flawed communication where you read between the lines the thing is this is just a game developed over time to kill time. What can be said simply no we will play. What I can make you understand in one day. I will take more than a month.

Oh! you can’t say things so directly it might hurt.  Oh shut up please…

When I joined my graduation as a communication student everyone was surprised who knew me. They felt I lacked communication skills. And then when I joined theatre as a actor they freaked out.

A person who never attended any cultural event in school. Never participated in any social activity. I would even skip weddings If I was not forced to go by my family. 

I just had a few things I loved to do..

*get up late.

*come back from school

*sit by the tv watch movies.

* go play with my few friends.

* come back home.

*pretend to study and then sleep.

My whole school was pretty this much and when I say this much it is this much.

Then came +2

*Hanging out with new set of friends. 4-5 of them.

* watch movies

*  this is it.

* add day dream about movies and being in them.

So, when I was in Grad. I went to college again a few friends. And then the theatre.

After a while I started ignoring college and mostly concentrated on theatre. When I say concentrated. I put myself to learn that craft because I crazily wanted to learn Drama, acting and every aspect related to it.

Never felt the desire to play along the communication playground. I was getting what I needed with a lot of difficulty of course but I was getting. I was always annoyed at people why don’t they talk straight say what they want of me.

But no it is such a fun game.

As an actor when we performed. The director said you need to read between the lines.

Between the lines means what is being said said. And what the real meaning is in what is being said said.

Huffff!!!

I never cared because I never needed to.

I got friends who would agree to my conversation.. accept me as I am.

But till I was a student my communication style didn’t hamper my progress. In fact, I excelled as a theatre student because of my concentration and focus to what I wanted.

But when I came to the real world.

Where work, money and power resides.

It slowly started to sink in ..

Reading between the lines is important. A different approach to communication is required.

In my personal space I can say what I mean and when ever but not where politics exist there you have to play the game of communication. Play on..

Because in professional as well as personal space..

People say something and mean something else..

That’s the catch, you need to read between the lines..

If  I can’t read between the lines. I need to get ready to be pushed over, tumbled and even crushed.

Being who you are is fine. But you need to communicate and let people know what you want from them and how much you can give them.

Speaking is important be it straight or  the real meaning may hide between the lines.

As, if you are clear you are free.

Isin’t ???

guilt

Guilt of Insulting a fictional character!!!

I have been living with a guilt. Felt like an opportunist who uses other people’s misery. You can say something like that news reporter who asks after a dear one dies how do you feel???

I am a writer and I write about  life. The way I see writing is painting the picture as it is and a little beautification and joining the dots. Nothing else. I say you can create only from what is there. Writing is not magic that you create something from the air.. or  something that doesn't exist.. You only make a tree if you had the seed in the first place.. Obviously a person has imagination but they can imagine what they have seen before.. like I have seen a bird fly.. I know there is a idea called flying.. so a human may also fly.. I write it down and name that person Superman. The same thing goes for inventions too… wright brothers had the concept of flying that is the reason they tried to invent airplanes and finally accomplished it.

What I coming to is that taking inspiration and being inspired by life is not wrong but healthy. What is wrong  is going overboard or humiliating that sketch of a real person on whom you have based the character. Obviously, they will never be able to know. Reading about them they will not know it is them. They will think the character is so similar to them.

Oh I keep deviating from the main issue.. The thing is when you insult a fictional person. You cannot apologize. And you have to live with that.  I did so in a short film that I was writing. Everything was good about the film.. I had written mostly as I had known the story. The girl is forced into sex trade. What I did was named the film WHORE.. just because people will be attracted to it and they will see it. Because according to the trend these controversial title’s work well. (I think i did it because of this.. i don't know)

I am so sorry for being insensitive. I cannot say how bad I have felt. Not because what people will think about my thought process. Okay somewhere that is there too. But when I won’t insult a real person in life no matter how they behave with me. I don’t do that to the fictional one too. even if they are mere reflections of the real person. I don’t want to sound like a person who would profit himself with the misery of someone else. If the story comes forward  in front of people it should only be to make them aware. Not, every story is entertainment. And it is sad to be using monkey tricks.

I don’t think I am going to do  this again.  What I don’t like personally I should not do.

If I feel guilty that means I made a mistake .. the sad part is I can’t say sorry to Sunaina.

I just want to tell her I wrote her story with honesty. I just goofed up to make it popular which is not necessary.

Hope it is made and I am renaming it to Sunaina.

Because the story is about a fighter who comes out of a difficult situation and finds life. Full Stop. 

blissful life

Ah Blissful life!!!

I had a moment

I felt ecstasy

Where you may ask

Here a while ago

When I felt my head may burst into pieces

Here when I was helping a small girl learn her lines

The lines I had wrote

I was getting furious

With her excuses

Why she could not remember before

Why she can’t speak hindi properly

And with her constant questioning

How I became a writer and so on

Everyone calling me here there and everywhere.

I had to put make up

Get ready for a shot..

I was acting too

Then rushing to my table and translating  a script

What a day I had..

What a rush it is

To work, work and work

That’s bliss

If you fall in love with your work

That’s what you can carry till the end

Your love for your work..

That is what is constant

Everything all around will keep changing

The people, your bank balance, your age

But your passion towards your work will keep you alive

Put you in a blissful state..

Put you in a blissful state..

If you don’t love your work..

First of all, give yourself a tight slap..

Thank you..

Look, inside of you

There you may find a passion go after it..

And  go after it..

Find an idea to love and your life will be bliss..

Loving humans will not be difficult for you..

Adjusting, making them happy won’t be a pain for you..

But if you hate your work..

You will always look for love in fellow humans..

You may find it

You may not..

You may lose it

You may retain

But love for passion will be there

Be passionate

And live it up..

Don’t drag live a blissful life

And be alive truly

And point to be noted my lord, never be dependent on another atom

Never ever!!!