33 Dream Cafe

 I am Supposed to be writing a script for a feature film right now.. But why am I writing this... Whatever this is. I couldn't write at home. Even after paying a lot of money every month as rent. I don't seem to be able to use it for work. I got ready wore clean clothes Styled my wispy hair. and reached a cafe. Here I first ordered something to eat and now I have ordered a coffee. I got be spending as well. Or my brain won't start the process..  I need to feel that I am putting in extra effort. And the job I have which pays for my monthly expenses. I outsource that writing job because I don't like doing it. So I pay most of my salary to others. There is nothing left for me. After going through this shit every time I write a script for someone where the money is promised in the future. I spend a great deal of time agonizing. Making myself ready to write. Don't get me wrong. I do write and write well I believe. This is the reason people keep trying to make me write. I was talking to Riya, a collaborator on some of the writing projects that I did.  She assisted me in a few scripts among other things.. I was telling her how I have to stop taking writing projects where money is not sure to be seen. It might happen or it might not. I have written enough scripts for them to get an idea. If I have to invest in something why not on my own projects where I could act or direct. So I was telling her that I should not take projects unless it pays really really well and the agony that I go through is worth it. I have to confess here. Scriptwriting has made me lose a lot of friends. Some took my script and sat on it as if it were their ass warmer.. Some I couldn't complete because I didn't enjoy their story maybe. I tried. I tried for my future.. But it seems I am a man of the present. I love to be here, right now. Still, future plans are always there..  Like I have two commitments of scripts that I need to finish. and then I am done, for good. Post that I want to write for myself. I have been itching to write a novel for so long.. I have the 30-page story written for a decade.. I got to bring it alive. Story of a Princess in a village in Rajasthan whose father has lost the title and the riches.. She wants to bring some sense of worth for him by doing something that would make him proud. But a 14-year-old girl what can she do in an adult's world. The period is 1955. She keeps trying to do a lot of things.. and sometimes as they say destiny comes to you if your desire is deep and honest. Hers is. Newly independent India is planning an international Horse race which Britishers used to conduct. Now, she has a horse in the broken-down palace but she is not a rider. Can she learn in a few months and win against the professionals of the world.. That we shall see only if I sit and write.. Hai ki nahi? Warna toh kitni kahaniyan logon ke dilon mein hi reh jati  hai.. Likhna chahiye yeh, likh main woh raha hun jo nahi likhna chahta.. sahi hi kaha hai logon ne.. find out what you are and follow that.. I always knew about the actor in me.. but never had the strength or courage to go after it. Not that I am not acting. Don't get me wrong there.. I am . I always seem to be. But nothing much to show. People know me as someone who has potential but no one ever has seen my potential. My acting career is like your neighborly ghost,  everyone seems to have heard about it but no one has seen it with their own eyes.. But I have had enough now. I got to do something about it. Writing scripts my behavior is shit. I am that supervillain who you see in those Bond films. I can't explain how odd I behave. How much I alienate people. Opposite when I am acting or directing..  I am an angel. 

Everything boils down to a few things that is in our personality.. Someone recently told me.. Being kind and considerate is not always a good thing.. Learn to say no, stand for yourself. I find it so difficult to say no.. That I just run away.. I ghost these people.. I can't say something that will hurt you. I just can't. So I put my head in the sand.. If I can't see it. It's not there.. 

Ufff.. Now being an actor also helps figure out your whys? Any character you can reach if you know what their want is ? 

My want.. I want to be liked. This is why you all love me. You think I am this sweet angel who listens to you so well.. Who cares for you.. Who says yes to your every whims and wish.. 

No.. not an angel.. A scared kid.. scared you will leave him to.. like.. 

ab yeh bhi kahani sunani padegi kya.. heavy ho jayega.. Thik hai hone do.. apna toh therapy ho jayega.. 

 I must have been 4.. oh the resistance.. the brain has frozen.. what does it think.. if it won't give me words.. I won't be able to write.. Arre even if i don't write.. I can share the experience from memory.. 

Sorry I couln't write here it goes. 

{I was 4 and a half.. my parents told me we were going on holiday.. We went to Kurseong, Darjeeling.. We did some sightseeing. Then we went to a place where we were in a room with strangers.. My parents were talking to them.. I was asked If I wanted to see around.. I said yes.. When I came back, My parents were not there.. I had been left behind.. I cried and cried and questioned why? What did I do? I wished they would return and forgive me for whatever I had done But no one came back. }

Toh... Anyways Sorry.. I know I am not that kid anymore.. I love my parents.. They support me in everything.. I know they meant well but this doesn't go away.. 

Once I was doing a film in Delhi.. and we talked about all of this.. I was talking to Fayeza who was a script supervisor.. and she said you need to address this. I said okay... How to address this.. After the shoot was over. I took a train and went to my hostel. It was February and the hostel was closed obviously. Because it snows there. We used to get winter holidays for 2 months.  What I was supposed to achieve there..no clue.. I just wanted to see that place maybe.. Refresh my memory... Roaming around the town  I was looking for a proper coffee shop that we people in metros so much love.. I found a cafe beautiful scenic.. view of the tv tower which I would see from my bed as a child every night.. The cafe was very unique.. It was called 33 dream cafe run by Chophell Tenzin.. He talked about dreams and dreamers.. and following your heart's desire.. I told him I was also following my dream.. But I never told him that I deliberately try stay on the edge.. Not hold it in my hands.. What if I get what my heart desires and it is not enough.. I didn't tell him.. that I am the hamster on the wheel.. always moving but not reaching anywhere.. Why?  I would not be able to say.. Why not achieve it.. I don't know. The number of opportunities I have run from.. Anyways..  If you go to Kurseong please visit the 33 dream cafe.. Chophell is amazing.. He does so much for the community.. animals.. we keep talking even though it has been years we met. He appreciates everything that he sees me achieve.. Only I know these are just wrapppers that I wrap around myself with to feel worthy.. 

Upon reaching my hostel.. I looked around that place.. Sat in the bed I had cried in for hours.. Stood in the hall I had forgotten my lines in my first play.. I said a few lines. Told myself see, You got better.. Then sat by the mountains.. shivering looking at the snow caps.. I talked to myself.. I said.. you are not a kid anymore.. you can take care of yourself.. You are fine.. You turned out fine.. nothing is nobody's fault.. Everything happens when it happens.. And If you are left alive after the storm the only thing that you do is forgive yourself.. forgive others.. Say, I am fine.. let's plan our next move.. till we mix in with the sand.. 

The same thing I will tell myself today. Sitting in this cafe in Bombay.. Do what brings joy in your heart.. make yourself smile. find joy in helping others.. but find joy for yourself first.. If you are doing what you want to do.. then maybe you can be of any help to others as well... not self-sacrificing.. When you beat yourself.. You only turn into a villain.. Be kind, Be considerate to yourself too... Explore the Why? Find out Why you are, what you are, and find out why you want what you want.. and then go for it..  

यदी मैं नदी होता...

यदी मैं नदी होता...

 

तो याद करता अपनी शुरुआत को समंदर में मिलने से पहले ,

भूलता नहीं उन हिमनद को जिनसे मेरा जन्म हुआ | 

हर उस जगह और लोगों की याद संजो कर रखता दिल में, जहाँ जहाँ से गुज़रा हूँ मैं ,

उन से नफरत न करता जो ज़हर डालते रहे मुझमें | 

जीवन एक प्रक्रिया है 

जिसका धेय आगे बढ़ना है |

शुरुवात में जब शुद्ध था, साफ़ था, तो भी मैं था| 

अब जब ज़हर भरा है तो भी तो मैं ही हूँ | 

शीतल अब भी करना चाहता हूँ सबकी प्यास, 

अगर भाप बना पाता तो उड़ा देता अपने अंदर के ज़हर को मैं | 

पीने न देता उन् मासूम जानवरों को ज़हरीला पानी

अगर बचा सकता तो बचा लेता उन्हें | 

जो आये मेरे तटों पे | 

बेसब्र हो चूका हूँ मैं मिलने को समुद्र से 

कभी कभी सोचता हूँ, अपने अंत की प्रतीक्षा, क्यो,  बिना सफर तय किये | 

डर इस बात का की नुकसान न पहुचाऊं किसी और को अपनी कड़वाहट से 

ये इक्कीसवी सदी है, होड़, हर तरफ आगे बढ़ने की.. 

बनाते बिजली, फैक्टरियां, मनाते  त्यौहार, 

और फैकते मुझमें बचा रासायनिक ज़हर, 

वो भी क्या करे उनमें भी तो बस गया वो ज़हर है | 

तरक़्क़ी की होड़ में मरता जा रहा ये गृह हैं | 

मेरा जीवन जितना भी हो देख नहीं पाता हूँ मैं, 

इस मानुषय की तरक़्क़ी समझ नहीं पाता  हूँ मैं | 

पहुंचा दो मुझे जल्दी उस अंत तक.. (२)

आकाशवाणी : 

हे नदी, मत कर तू प्रतीक्षा अंत की इतनी।।

वहां भी तेरा इंतज़ार कर रही ज़हर हैं,

जी ले जो मिला है 

ये भला वो भला नहीं 

जो मिला सो भला है 

मत रो याद कर अपने पूर्वजों को, 

शोक न मना  आज के सच का.. 

ज़हर हैं तो ज़हर ही सही.. 

ए नदी, अपना ले तू इस ज़हर को भी||  

-सोनू आनंद 

Why don't I stop

 Why did I stop writing poetry? 

No words come to the fore.. 

What was is not there 

Nothing to express is it? 

Once my head used to be bursting,

with emotions and expressions.

Now, it's quiet in there.. 

The trouble's subsided... 

questions answered.. 

Focus narrowed..

All the remains are-

a few concrete ideas and wants.. 

Which doesn't trouble me.. 

But they give me a direction and no sleepless nights.. 

The confusion is gone.. 

And perhaps so has the poetry.. 

-SA

The Shadow

 Hide, Vanish, Burn

in the run.. 

of the race of rising. 

Hide, Vanish, Burn

in the run.. 

of the race of rising. 

From dust you shall rise.. 

You may be just a speck of dust.. 

just a tiny dust particle... 

But with time you grow into a storm

It is just one speck that rises

to the clouds to become the force to reckon with.. 

No matter how small you feel you are.. 

no matter.. how tiny,  how unworthy

keep moving 

keep learning

keep growing

keep collecting other specks and you shall become

bigger than you ever imagined. 

in the dark night as you walk

and moon showers it's light on you

you shall see yourself

you shall see your shadow rising 

As the shadow rises.. 

it gets bigger

Rushing towards the sky.. 

growing and growing 

After the dark night, as light falls on you

the shadow grows and touches the cloud.. 

but be aware 

that gravity doesn't release you 

that your feet remain in touch with the ground

only then shall you rise higher

or your shadow shall fluffer in the empty void of the infinite space..

So let the shadow grow and remain grounded

then only shall you live.. 

In real terms 

Not an imaginary life 

Not a myth 

Not a lie

You live the truth

So let the light fall on you 

let us see your shadow touch the sky 

but only if you remain grounded.. 

shall your shadow grow 

to unimaginable heights.. 

Hide, Vanish, Burn

in the run.. 

of the race of rising. 

Hide, Vanish, Burn

in the run.. 

of the race of rising. 

-SA

Un-Love

 Can you unlove someone after you have felt love? 

What would it feel like? 

Would you erase them in your mind? 

Would their not being around, not bother you? 

It is said that Hate is not the Antithesis of love, 

But indifference. 

Would you be indifferent to them, 

If they don't want you for whatever reason? 

Or, You will wish them well always.

Can you wish them worse if you have loved them? 

Can you unlove someone who mistreated you? 

Or, would you just let them go and hope they find peace? 

Would the flame be lit after decades of separation? 

Would love be alive waiting to be reignited? 

Sometimes it is better to forget.. 

But would your dormant love wake again? 

If they want to be a part of your life? 

Even if they don't;

Would you be fine with loving them from afar?

Can you unlove someone-

 you have truly loved and admired? 

Can you call your love a mistake? 

Can you agree you were a fool? 

The probability of two people wanting the same things is rare.. 

Would you resent them for not wanting you? 

Can you just love without its reciprocation? 

Does love come in twos? 

Can only one person be in love? 

They say love is the freedom to be who you are 

in your lover's company..

They say love is freedom.

Do you really want to bound your love? 

Can you unlove after you have loved? 

- SA

Challenges

Life throws different challenges at us. It is what we do is what becomes of us.  Influence is a major factor in our lives. Some of us are inspired by great personalities while some are influenced by the notorious ones. We are all drawn to what is underneath us. 

Writing as a process..

 My blog here is a proof that though I write. I have issues with sitting to do the act. As the frequency of the posts are sparse. I sometimes wonder about all the acting roles that I have done. Would I have completed them if I knew that I could escape it. Acting is a group activity you do it with other people so there is a social stigma attached with pissing off so many people with writing you are usually dealing with yourself. So, when you give up it is your shame. A personal one. I have pissed off so many people with not honoring my writing commitments that I have lost count. Though I have completed every project that I was paid for. The fact that I need money I struggle through the hell my mind puts me through and I come out on the other side.  So, even though I would like to give up but since I have already spent the money. I have no other way than to write. All the scripts that I have written have been reviewed well. The biggest critic I have I feel is inside,  me. I know that if I sit and write I would succeed in coming up with a decent script but sitting is a problem. 

I read somewhere, "A page at a time, A day at a time". This gives me hope. Also I understand that to achieve any kind of success you need a mental discipline to go through what makes you most uncomfortable. With acting I was able to do that because the commitment was with other people and I had to fulfill it and now I have fun with it. The most difficult part is over I have done enough roles well that even if I know I can't do something well I understand by experience I will be able to pull through as I have past experiences to rely on. With writing all my good experiences have not been of any use. I can't shake of the feeling that I am going to fail. 

But One thing that I understand is that if I do it. It will be fine. This is one reason I am able to do some projects. One that I am writing and the narration is tomorrow. I know that I will be able to pull through. What else is there to do The shoot is planned in October and we are going for scouting of the locations. So yes there is no other way but to do it. Also the money has been spent long back. 

I will check in tomorrow and update about how it turned out though I am clueless at the present moment. See ya in 30 hours.  

After 60 hours..

Ola, Friends.. I did manage to write and write well that was accepted and loved. 

So rules to be a writer.. 

1. Don't be scared of the blank page..

2. Scribble in a side document If you need to.. 

3. Write Random stuff around or of the story. 

4. Once you feel ready, start on the main document. 

5. Use Music if you are distracted. 

6. Stop checking messages. Every time you check a message it takes more than 20 minutes to regain the flow. 

7. Lock the door and write. It is okay if you are not making too much sense. 

8. Fear is inherent. The fear of being a terrible writer will never go away. Face it. 

9. Keep talking to yourself. Once you have a victory share it. Like I am doing now. 

10. Remember, Writing is possible only if you sit down. So take a seat and type away.