Writing as a process..

 My blog here is a proof that though I write. I have issues with sitting to do the act. As the frequency of the posts are sparse. I sometimes wonder about all the acting roles that I have done. Would I have completed them if I knew that I could escape it. Acting is a group activity you do it with other people so there is a social stigma attached with pissing off so many people with writing you are usually dealing with yourself. So, when you give up it is your shame. A personal one. I have pissed off so many people with not honoring my writing commitments that I have lost count. Though I have completed every project that I was paid for. The fact that I need money I struggle through the hell my mind puts me through and I come out on the other side.  So, even though I would like to give up but since I have already spent the money. I have no other way than to write. All the scripts that I have written have been reviewed well. The biggest critic I have I feel is inside,  me. I know that if I sit and write I would succeed in coming up with a decent script but sitting is a problem. 

I read somewhere, "A page at a time, A day at a time". This gives me hope. Also I understand that to achieve any kind of success you need a mental discipline to go through what makes you most uncomfortable. With acting I was able to do that because the commitment was with other people and I had to fulfill it and now I have fun with it. The most difficult part is over I have done enough roles well that even if I know I can't do something well I understand by experience I will be able to pull through as I have past experiences to rely on. With writing all my good experiences have not been of any use. I can't shake of the feeling that I am going to fail. 

But One thing that I understand is that if I do it. It will be fine. This is one reason I am able to do some projects. One that I am writing and the narration is tomorrow. I know that I will be able to pull through. What else is there to do The shoot is planned in October and we are going for scouting of the locations. So yes there is no other way but to do it. Also the money has been spent long back. 

I will check in tomorrow and update about how it turned out though I am clueless at the present moment. See ya in 30 hours.  

After 60 hours..

Ola, Friends.. I did manage to write and write well that was accepted and loved. 

So rules to be a writer.. 

1. Don't be scared of the blank page..

2. Scribble in a side document If you need to.. 

3. Write Random stuff around or of the story. 

4. Once you feel ready, start on the main document. 

5. Use Music if you are distracted. 

6. Stop checking messages. Every time you check a message it takes more than 20 minutes to regain the flow. 

7. Lock the door and write. It is okay if you are not making too much sense. 

8. Fear is inherent. The fear of being a terrible writer will never go away. Face it. 

9. Keep talking to yourself. Once you have a victory share it. Like I am doing now. 

10. Remember, Writing is possible only if you sit down. So take a seat and type away. 

बिखरते देखा है उसे जो आसमान की ओर बढ़ा

 

बिखरते देखा है उसे जो आसमान की ओर बढ़ा

टूटते देखा उसे भी जो तारों से जा मिला

नहीं मिलती किसी को भी पूरी पूरी  ज़िंदगी

कुछ ना कुछ तो छुट ही जाता है

कुछ ना कुछ तो रह ही जाता है

बिखरोगे भी टूटोगे भी

और तब जो कुछ बचेगा

वही तुम होगे

 

 

मत बनाओ सीमाए अपने लिये

चलने दो जो चल रहा हो

होने दो जो हो रहा हो

हवा का जो रुख हो उसके साथ चलते ही रहो

दूसरी ओर दौडोगे तो थक ही जाओगे

हाँ , बुझ ही जाओगे

 

जो करना चाहते हो तुम वही करो

पर जिद्दी ना बनो अकडू ना बनो

वरना टूट जाओगे वरना पिस जाओगे

क्यूंकि हर कोई बिखरता है हर कोई पिघलता है हर कोई टूट जाता है...

 

इसलिए

जिस तरफ हवा का रुख हो उसी तरफ चलना

करना वही जो तेरा दिल करे

पर रुक कर साँस भी ले लेना

कुछ खा लेना, थोडा आराम कर लेना

नहीं कह रहा मैं की अपने सपनो को छोर देना

भागना उनके पीछे भी

पर भागते भागते, जीना ना छोर देना  

अपनों को ना खो देना

तस्वीरों को धुंधलाने ना देना

पाना ही हर कुछ नहीं होता

कुछ कुछ दूसरों के लिये भी कर देना

अकेले कहाँ तक चलोगे

कभी कभी इधर उधर भी झांक लेना

ज़रूर करना तुम अपने सपनो को पूरा

पर

ए  दोस्त, जिद्द ना करना...

Soliloquy- True Lover

Character: Kathrin 

What is she going through : She has to decide whether she wants to choose to stay with Kevin or let her Father go bankrupt and lose his mind. 

"Do I have a choice? I am asked to sacrifice who I am as If I have no identity of my own. Like in ancient times.. People sacrificed someone from the village to save themselves from the wrath of Gods.. I, Kathrin am sacrificed at the altar. 

I will be married day after to someone my father owes money too.. 

Do I have to do this? Why should I go through with this. Isn't caring for the child and their well being a parent's duty.. Why then it is my duty to save them in the time of crisis?

I am a child too..  I believe last autumn my mother said.. 'Oh, You won't understand it.. you are just a child.. '

Wooo.. the child has turned savior in a matter of months.. 

Is life a series of conveniences that everyone puts on everyone else.. 

My family needs me.. to save them from poverty.. 

save my siblings from homelessness.. 

save my father's fall from grace.. 

I am expected to heal his failing heart by marrying a stranger.. 

He did promise a pound of flesh to shylock but it shall be taken from his child's heart this time.. 

What will I tell Kevin??? 

My promises of forever that I made on my fifteenth were mere promises.. 

I have been betrayed by my own blood.. 

I have no heart to betray him.. My heart has been snatched by a stranger to keep locked as a ransom. 

I will not betray him. I will meet him tomorrow. 

We will plan tomorrow as if it were our last. 

I will divide the day in four parts. youth, adulthood, middle age and  the old.. 

I will be that fly who lives only for a day.. 

Kevin, I love and I always will.. we have one day.. and I shall perish from his life. 

I don't have the heart to betray him,. so i shall live the day as my last and vanish forever as a true lover.

Happy Stars

"I was born under happy stars, with a keen sense of wonder, which has never left me… and with no exaggerated notion of my own deserts. I have shared the common lot, and have found it good enough for me."

" Unlucky is the man who is born with great expectations, and who finds nothing in life quite up to the mark.

One of the best things a man can bring into the world with him is a natural humility of spirit. About the next best thing he can bring, and they usually go together, is an appreciative spirit — a loving and susceptible heart." - John Burroughs

Dear Incharge,

 TO, 

         The Incharge, 

          Universe. 

         Pincode - Infinity 

Subject: I have been ignoring my work recently. 

Dear Incharge, 

If you hear me out. I am grateful for that. I have been told that being thankful is the most important thing in this life. If you are thankful for what you have you shall have more of that.  Okay sounds good. I try and be optimistic about the life given to me, the people I have been given. Though at times I see myself being cynical not accepting the situations and people wholeheartedly. It is said, accept things for what they are and you cease to suffer. Do I suffer? I have no idea about that. I seem to be accepting everything and crib less. It could be superficially but yes I do try and be accepting of what has been handed to me. I am thankful for my talents and sense of understanding. Can't complain. It is a rich life up here in my head. I don't seem to be needing a lot of people. I also try not to look for validation which was a need when I was younger. I guess it is the same for everybody.  It does get easier the questions do reduce about what this is all about? The why of our presence here. Whatever I have read or seen in other people's lives the WHY of it is so important. I have a lot of work to do but I don't seem to be doing that. I have been hurting people by not staying in touch or fulfilling my promises. The WHY of this behavior is also a mystery. I need to figure out the big WHY and it shall get easier maybe.. Or is it? that we have to keep pushing. Keep getting up, keep forcing ourselves to do what we have to? I am confused. I always believed in doing what my heart spoke of. I have been successful in a way. When I do something I do it with all my heart or not at all. That seems to be a problem. What can we do? What should we do? How do we survive in society? 

These are all the questions that remain. I want a life of expression.  A life where it is more about expressing who I am rather than impressing what I think I should be. I am what I am. That has to be the language of living every day. Personally, I feel dialogues such as these might give us some clarity. This is WHY I am writing to you. Lately, I feel uninspired. Lately, I don't feel like getting up. The excitement seems to be missing. Weirdly, I am doing what I always wanted to. What seems to be the problem then. I wish to read a lot more. I wish to act a lot more. I wish to write a lot more. All of these are in me without resistance. I don't have to make any extra effort to do these things. What seems to be missing then? People say you have to have a purpose. What purpose and for what? I would want my purpose to stay in the present and live rather than be a ghost of the future or of the past. 

I would like to say NO to things I don't want to do. Not let people hang and be confused. I need to be kinder. And it seems living from the heart and at the moment could make me empathetic and kind. I wish to love and be loved but if I mistreat others that is all I shall receive. I understand that. 

Today, I might take this opportunity to apologize for my lethargy and ignorance to every being that feels any hurt. I wish- I want- I would- from now on live each day as it comes. This way I will build a healthier life. I might fulfill my potential whatever that may be. 

This has been quite an enriching experience writing to you. I feel freer than before. I shall be better I believe. Gratitude for all the love that you send my way. Gratitude for all the friends and family you send my way. Gratitude for all my teachers and the lessons you send my way.  Gratitude for making me understand It is now what we have and it is now who we are. 

So the WHY of this life has to be about the present. The Purpose has to be about clarity of the moment. It has to be about taking each breath as it comes. 

Thank you.. Thank you.. 

Yours truly and always

A part of you that wants to figure itself out.

 

Gestures and the actor

 As actors, there are a few questions that everyone asks every now and then.. 

What do I do with my hands? 

How much should I move my body? 

What about the head bobbing that many of us do? 

If ever we have read books on Body Language or heard about it,  we know that every gesture usings our body says something.. 

As an actor, the first thing that we may need to do is to start a constant observation process of what we are doing with our hands.. body .. head in different situations.. 

The fact that someone one said as a suggestion to actors Act in life while live when acting. 

This simply means that we are aware of in life what is happening and what we are doing subconsciously. If we feel we are making unnecessary extra gestures which confuse the listener or the observer. We should learn to control it.  So that when we are acting we focus on our character and what needs to be conveyed and not think too much about controlling our gesture. 

Once during a rehearsal, Naseer Sir was talking to an actor about the awareness an actor should have about how much their head is moving.  We use our heads to convey specific things like saying yes, no, or emphasizing something. So if you are bobbing your head like a toy then how do you think you are going to make an impact.. 

So a specific movement is required. MEASURED. This will take a long time but awareness is needed. We practice all we want but when we are performing we can’t be thinking about all of these things. 

The recommendation for actors I believe is if we can we should definitely read a book on body language and if we can’t, then watch videos of body language experts. 

If you keep observing round the clock. You will be aware of where the hand goes and when the movement of the head is required. Like we use our speech to convey the meaning of the text our body needs to be used aptly as well. This may take some work but it will be worthwhile. 

An actor’s job is to convey the text, the script in the best way possible. It can not just be using your voice and face.. Use your body too. 

For that observe yourself as well as others.. What they are saying … what they are conveying.. 

How are we using our body to convey the meaning in life and once we are clear about it in life, we will be able to replicate it on stage or in front of the camera. . 

Most actors do this subconsciously. I just put it here for my better understanding of it as well as if it may interest or give clarity to others. 

PS. Will write a continuation next month after following this

. 

Prejudice and the Actor

                                                  Prejudice and The Actor                              

I believe every person has struggled with Prejudice in their life, at times they feel prejudiced while other times they are the ones who trigger it.  Yesterday when I took the session on the reason actors should stay away from Prejudice I had to first talk about what it means. I choose to use the dictionary and give the participants,you, various meanings and interpretations of the word as well their synonyms. Here is what i had noted down. 

Prejudice: 1) Preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience. 

                 2) (law) harm or injury that results or may result from some action or judgement. 

• An unfair and unreasonable opinion  or feeling, especially when formed without enough thought or knowledge. 

In hindi it means पूर्वधारणा (preconceived notion) 

Synonyms: bias, intolerance, discrimination, preference, unfairness, inequality, racism, racialism, sexism, ageism, classism. 

Synonyms in hindi: पक्षपात, हानि, क्षति, चोट, पूर्वाग्रह 

Now that we are clear as to what Prejudice means, we come to how does it matter to a person who is starting to learn the craft of being an actor or is an actor working professionally.  

One thing I talked about in the session was the necessity for an actor to be a neutral human being. As far as it is possible. When you speak don’t give away where you are from.  For that we have to work very hard on our speech, getting the pronunciations right. Speak as it is meant to be in the language and when the time comes  to take an accent you’ll be able to do it easily. 

Next is with our body language. We bring a certain body language from our native places. With regular work with movement experts the body language is going to dissolve. 

It is important to bring our personality from overt  to plain and this can be done only by constant work on our body, speech and mind. As it is said, you have to take off your old clothes to wear new ones. Or it will look weird wearing two set of clothes. 

Now comes the third and final part, which we can start work now. We don’t have to visit any expert. We can just see how we are reacting. How are we listening? In the previous session on listening I had a conversation about how listening plays an important part in acting.  An actor needs to retune every part of his being consciously and listening is one such thing. When we are in a conversation we are doing so many things at the same time, we are trying to understand what they are saying, what it means and what we should reply. 

What actually happens with our default listening is that as we hear the other person say something and we know what  that person means instantly and we start reacting and thinking about the answer. And we are not even listening after a certain point.  We have to stop the reacting process and just observe and let it sink in and then reply. 

Prejudice starts with our eyes. We see the person. Opinion formed about their looks and social standing.

We hear them talk. Opinion formed about their intellect. 

 We need to keep these aside and see them as  a new person which they are in our life. We have not met them, we know nothing about them but in two minutes we have a judgement which we will carry throughout our relationship with that person. 

Is it fair?  I hope no. But this is how we are. “We never give people the chance to show us who they really are”.  Unfortunately, We know who they are. 

This may work for you in life, in your basic struggle of survival but in art, you don’t have to just survive you have to be alive you have to thrive(grow or develop well or vigorously). An actor should be alive every second to see what is happening as it is happening. Without our filters of region, religion, experience and biases we have formed all along. 

I understand what I talk about seems difficult but it takes just a little shift in our attitude and you shall start seeing in others. They start giving you more. You can sense the respect they feel for you. You can start sensing the trust. Just your total understanding can make you feel that you know each other. It’s in your eyes. Your prejudices are in your eyes. And the person in front of you can see it. They will shut down. Shut you out.  Not a good thing for an actor. If they cannot make real connections with other human beings. What are they going to project on the screen? On the stage? Will you play out your judgements? Which no one is interested in. Your job as an artist or actor is to receive and transmit as it is. Be the mirror which reflects you as you are. The mirror doesn’t pass judgements you do.  An actor has to be the mirror which reflects the character as they are, not as his or her prejudices make them understand. 

I understood this fact quite a while ago. It is not that I don’t judge or have prejudices. I am full of them. But I don’t act on them usually. I try to keep them aside. And I feel I have been successful in doing so. I have not judged my characters. I have just listened to them and read my lines. Thought about their journey and just played them without psychoanalysis. I understand I am not the psychiatrist of my characters. I don’t have to tell them what’s wrong with them or how should they improve themselves.  I am a understanding friend who has the opportunity to make their voices heard.  

Even after years of trying not to judge. The judgements are there always. It’s inbuilt. They are not going to go anywhere. It’s what you do with them that matters.  For example the first day I saw you all, I made all my critical judgements, not consciously, subconsciously of course.  My mind evaluated you, placed you in a sequence of talent, looks and manners. My mind told me who all among you were  smart. My mind told me who all among you were respectful. Without even waiting for the first day’s session to get over. My prejudiced mind knew all about you. 

But since I’ve made myself aware that I will not use my prejudice filters. Every Time I looked at you , had a conversation with you I pushed my prejudices behind and looked at you with a fresh eye. I looked at you like the first time I was seeing you. I choose to see what you wanted to show me. What you actually were. My prejudiced mind came up and told me, Hey I have already told who this one is why are you wasting your time understanding? I ignored this voice. I listened to you closely saw what you were showing and I have to tell you the prejudiced voice in my head was mostly wrong. I was pleasantly surprised that you rose through the limitations, my prejudices had set for you. 

This is one simple example. Everyday you meet so many people. Your prejudices don’t let you see them as you should. Try and see them for who they are, not what you think they are. 

Coming back to acting. As actors you have to let go, of general perceptions. For example: If you were mistreated by a bengali in kolkata, You cannot start believing all bengalis are ill mannered.  You have to see every person as an individual being they are. Never generalize. Generalization kills the performance which in turn kills the actor. 

To be a unique special actor, you have to look for uniqueness in the mundane. As it is said, To be interesting, you have to be interested.  

Let’s take this extreme example for instance. If you get to play someone who commits adultery or kill themselves.  Your religious filters tell you these are sins. So you approach the character with disdain.  You never gave the character a chance to speak to you. You will not be able to play the character with empathy. And the audiences will see that.  You cannot judge and also be that character. You have to love your character like a mother loves their son. It has to unconditional love. It has to be the love your labrador has for you. Unquestioning blind faith. You have to be a person whom the character can confide 100% without doubt. You have to treat the character like you treat yourself. When you do something. What you expect is understanding not judgement. Right? So, Here you are trying to become that character. Treat your characters like you treat yourself. 

Remember in your life people who have judged you and the ones who have motivated you. You stick to people who motivate you. They know more about you. They have tried to understand you better. Or maybe they do understand you much more than anyone else. 

They treat you for the individual you are.  Your religion, region, language, looks may not stand in between them and you. 

We have to start treating people individually. If we want to create real alive characters. As no two people can ever be alike. Everyone has had an unique experience. A unique life that only they have lived. How can you then say, 

*People of so and so religion are like this?? 

* Or people of so and so place behave in a certain way?? 

You have to look closely. You will see they don’t.  No two individual behaves in the same way. 

Only then your performances will have the details and minute nuances. When you see your favorite actor’s performance, you notice that they show you something that you had never seen. They give you something unique. Something alive. Because they saw it with fresh eyes. 

So can you. Start seeing with your unique eyes the uniqueness that lies around. 

It’s okay to judge. It’s okay to be biased. It okay to have prejudices. 

But it is not okay to act on them. 

Definitely not okay for an actor. 

Your questions: 

Write your question with your name. 

Worth reading: http://www.management-issues.com/opinion/6917/do-your-filters-stop-you-from-hearing/

Question - I understand that we should not judge people we meet for the first time and that we should not judge the characters we play, but what about those people who have ill treated you in the past?

For example, if I have a friend who has ditched me on a couple of occasions for flimsy reasons several years back, how do I look at him/her with a fresh pair of eyes?

Or am I not supposed to?

-Abhishek

Reply - If you feel you have been wronged, get up, take charge and fight back. Not judging others doesn’t mean if you have been slapped on one cheek you put forward the other. Getting out of the loop of prejudice means you react on the facts in front of you. You say-‘Okay these are the given facts, this is what happened and this is how I choose to react’. I choose to react fairly. Weigh the situation and react that way. It is then you should decide as a person, as a human being what you choose to do about that certain situation. You want to let go or you want to fight or you want to hide or you want to play a game. As Actors, do whatever. Keep reacting to the situation continuously, being aware in the moment. React to it as you would react without any preconceived notion. This habit in life will make you alive and bring you consciously on the edge.

In the moment, you become alive because you are not blindly reacting to life but consciously reacting to life. You are reacting now.

Same person does the same thing. You weigh in the past, you see the present  and you react accordingly, as it should be. It is up to you why you got yourself in the same situation. You made a decision the first time right? You chose to forgive or whatever. Ask yourself, why have you come to the same situation with the same person again.

If you chose to forgive and forget then react to this new scenario in a fresh way.

If you chose to forgive and not forget, what will your reaction be?

If you chose not to forgive and forget, then what will your reaction be?

When you are talking about prejudice in terms of an Actor, we mean seeing that person with fresh eyes and reacting to them for what they really are and not what we assume them to be.