लाइट पंखा

लाइट पंखा

वो तुम्हारा हर बार मुझे याद दिलाना की,
मैंने लाइट पंखा खुला छोड़ दिया है |
शायद तुम्हें लगता हैं की मुझे एहसास हो इस बात का
पर मुझे कोई होश नहीं उस बात का ..

वैसे ही जैसे कप मेरे हाथों से छूट कर मेरे पैरों पे गिर पड़ी एक बार
और मैं भूल गया था की वो मेरे हाथों में है..

नहीं रहती मुझे चीज़ें याद क्यूंकि मैं यहाँ हूँ ही नहीं..

अक्सर , मैं बातें करता हूँ  अपने आप से..

क्या? वो याद नहीं..

अक्सर उन लोगों से बात करता हूँ जिन्हे पढ़ा है किताबों में..

क्यों? वो मालूम नहीं..

एक नौकरी से निकला गया ये कह कर की तुम कवि हो,
हो हमारे किसी काम के नहीं
पर मैंने तो कोई कविता लिखी ही नहीं थी तब तक ..

मुझ जैसे बेसुध लोग दिखे
तो माफ़ कर देना ..

अगर होता होश तो कर ही देते ..
 अगर होता होश तो देख ही लेते ..
पर्यावरण से प्यार हमे भी है..

जान कर कोई गुस्ताखी करता नहीं बार बार..

अगर कर पाता तो उस नौकरी से भी निकला न जाता ..

आज ठाठ से पंखा लाइट के लिए सेंसर लगवा देता..

यह आँखें खोल कर सपना देखने वाले लोग अजीब होते है..

स्कूल में खाता था मार, अब खाता हूँ तुम्हारी डाट..

कर दूँ मैं लाइट पंखा बंद
पर हूँ  यहाँ से बहुत दूर मैं..

कहाँ? इसका मुझे एहसास नहीं..

पर कही न कही हूँ..
असली नकली विचारों के बीच उलझा हुआ हूँ मैं
कही न कही..

पत्नी : तुम गैस पर दूध चढ़ा कर फिर भूल गए ?

- SA

Looking for some answers..

This is not going to be easy. 

I don't know what is ever easy or what is hard. Something that I have never done may seem difficult but after a while you  can somehow get it done and after a little more time you might even become an expert. 

I usually say, I can do anything. 

Well it is not a factual statement just so you know. I can do whatever I want to do or I am interested in. And all this while there is not much I HAVE EVER BEEN INTERESTED IN. 

I was attracted to acting maybe because I had never been able to express myself before that. So it was kind of an outlet. Now I am in love with it. I can express whatever I want and I never keep anything inside. Somehow it clicked in my head that if I let my emotions flow as and when, it is happening to me. I would be able to do a better job, when I need to act. Though it is not quite possible to do this but yes I don't supress what I feel  which could at times come across as impolite or rude but the amount of freedom it has given I can never go back to what I was. Acting in real life is shit. 

And I am absolutely not interested in doing that. So when you see someone abusing me and I just absorb it. In truth it doesnot bug me I see the reaction for what it is. 

If a director loses their shit on set. I accept that they are in crazy pressure. Or in life if someone says something insensitive I ask myself what is behind this. What are they going through? 

(What I mean by these examples is that, I am letting it flow, don't let my calmness fool you that I am supressing my emotions.) 

Mostly, It is insecurity. I am speaking with experience because whenever I get insecure though I may not know at that time. I get edgy or my sense of right is wronged. 

This is the worst kind of edginess that we all carry.  *Our personal Sense of Right* 

I wish we all be fine if our sense of right is challenged. Usually people with frivolous sense of right get offended sooner. 

So go figure yourself. Let other people be right once in a while.  

The only place I allow myself to be edgy is the rehearsal space as politeness is a long route. I prefer to be direct while I work.  And I absolutely love when people who I am working with are direct in their  appraoch. This way you waste less time and the work progresses faster. Most of the professionals I have worked with are fine with this approach. The sugar coated approach is for amateurs.  Actually after a while you start appreciating the honesty as your work improves and you know no one is bullshitting you by saying things you want to hear.  Please please listen to what your seniors or colleagues have to say about your work and don't take it personally. Just keep raising the bar. 

Anyways, this flow of emotions and no suppresion is what I practice in my daily life but for some major emotions there is suppresion and I am working to break those barriers till I can be alive in the moment without boundations of past or future. Sometimes I feel this quest is professional as well as Spiritual. 

Though what annoys me is that I am still nowhere close to being perfect. Sometimes I am terrible. I am still struggling. I guess, acceptance of my limitations might set me free and then I could reach the place we all want to reach.

Nothing is clear. The point is to keep having these questions and the figuring will keep happening. 

There is not going to be an end to figuring. It is going to be a constant process. I am ready to work. 

Bring it on. All the confusions will dissolve and New ones will be born. 

You lose only when your  confusions remain the same for a longer period. 

That could be due to some psychosis. See a therapist or something..

Ask Away. Dive into those questions.  

As I go, one last thing. Stop expecting from others and stop dying for other's expections. 

I can't even tell you how free you are when you just flow. 

Keep it light folks..  And Let it flow. 

Aankh nam aur yeh gham..

Aankh nam aur yeh gham.. 

Aksar dikh jate hai 

Kisi ki aankhon mei

Kisi ki sareer par 

Yeh gham ke saaye 

Akele akele khade kabhi 

Kone mei dubke bhi dekhe hai yeh saaye

Chalte chalte jhuke sirr bhi jataa te hai 

ki  yeh saaye.. 

hai yahi kahi aas pass. 

Aksar socha hai maine 

Pooch lun ki kaun ho tum.. kya hua tumhei,

Par anjano se kaise pooche.. unke dil ki baatein

Toh har baar nazar padne par nazar andaz kiya maine

Yeh jo gham ke tere badal hai.. 

Yeh aate jate hai 

 tum hairan mat ho

 tum pareshan mat ho

Tapke kuch boond toh tapakne do.. 

Barse dard ki fuhare toh barasne do

Badalenge din 

Hoga aasman neela phir ek din  

Adla badli hogi gham ki 

Adla badli hogi muskurahat ki bhi

Jo aaj hai woh kal nahi hoga 

Jo nahi hai woh hoga kabhi 

Ek si nahi rehti tabiyat humari 

Ek si nahi milti aashiqui humei 

Ek si nahi hoti saajish yaha

Ek si nahi hogi kismat tumhari 

Aankh nam aur yeh gham

Dikh jate hai kabhi kabhi 

Mujhe Aaine mei bhi..

- SA

Flying vs Drowning

                                                                  

As I finished the first paragraph of the story and looked at the man in the first row, he yawned not even trying to hide it from me who was telling him a story. And I am sure it was not me that had bored him because my story was quite interesting and I was interested in telling it.  But this should not have been the reason that I felt that I was fighting to breathe because in the previous show a woman in the very seat was about to doze off every now and then and it had not affected me. So how could it be that a yawn distracted me?

Or could it be that just as Nasser sir announced my name, a moment before that I had an urge to clear my throat? And I was not on my mark.. No no no. None of this bullshit. The only fact is that while I was on stage I felt I am not getting through to the audience. Sir had told me earlier about this situation. He said, there are shows when you feel it is not going well. Slow down.  Actors tend to get faster but do the opposite.

I had this diagnosis. And it came to my rescue and I slowed down and went fast and again slowed down. I tried what I could. I believe that.  One more thing that he had told me came to my mind, you should have concern for the audience. I brought in that too.

No matter how bad an actor thinks he is doing, he is doing more or less of what he did in the rehearsals same goes for the feeling of flying. No matter how good I felt about the performance I was more or less where I was during the rehearsals. The point is to trust all the hard work you have done and do what you are meant to.

A beautiful revelation I had, no matter what you are going through a live theatre performance is like life, you have to push through no matter what or you die. The feelings of euphoria or depression should be seen with the same abandonment. An actor should not be concerned with them and just express and make the audience understand what he is trying to tell them. The point is to put the message across. Don’t beat yourself too much that you were perfect or not. Another important thing that I think could be useful is to be fine with losing control. We want to control all the time but we can't have that. I will be conscious about it and if I start being fine with losing control in life I should be fine on stage.  (Note: Be fine with not having control)

I am so glad I had this diverse experience in two back to back shows. I wonder if I do long-running production that is happening daily what will I be discovering and understanding for myself. The point always is to grow and move ahead with every experience.  (I did a one entry last year in a month-long production Motley’s The Truth and I learned that I need not trust the audience for feedback during the show. Every show there are different people in the audience and their reactions would be different)

There are a lot of things that may run through our heads but none of it is valid the only thing valid is what are you there to do?

Shut up and do that.

I checked and cross-checked with a few people which is the worst thing to do.  How do we forget the most cherished lessons in life when the time comes for it to apply. Ages back,  I was in backstage and a younger actor asked his senior What did he think about his performance? The senior actor said, what did you think?

An actor always knows. There is no point in asking and if anyone has any input they will give it.

So this ends with Do we really learn?

I guess I can’t end it on that.  We learn. Sometimes we may need a couple of same experiences for the message to sink in.

Now I am ready to fly and to drown. Accepting that they are both experiences which need to be felt and not resisted.

If you resist you die. If you accept you survive.

And, I survived to cut the story short.

PS. For all the feelings that we feel and whatever it means. The sound guy told me on his own that my second show was Excellent. The one which I felt I was drowning and the first show he felt was good which I felt was Excellent. So there you go. Have some coffee and Chill.

PS. 8/05/20 10th November show. I figured why I felt off in the 2nd show. When Sir was introducing me. I felt like coughing. I felt I had a few extra seconds but as I moved away from my mark he said my name. And I rushed in. So I carried on that rushed in energy and didn't feel at ease.. The answer was out there but I was not ready to accept it could be so simple.  Note to self. Don't move from your mark no matter what. :) 

Reading like a Job

Lately, I have found myself not able to read much. I am looking at more than 100 unread or half-read books in front of me. It is kind of bugging me. What I am or why people like to associate with me is because of my reading I feel. It is through reading plays, novels, philosophy etc. that I grew as a person. The poems or stories I could write was because of the reading. My behavior in the present moment is that of an athlete who after learning the basics has stopped practicing and just wants to play. The laziness has seeped in. It is scaring me, if this keeps going on I will lose whatever intelligence I have acquired. Yesterday, I was at a station and there were some amazing books at half price. I controlled myself. I put out a condition. Not another book enters the house before I have read at least 10 from the pile collecting dust in my flat.

As a kid, I loved reading stories. I absolutely loved it. It was more real to me than the films. Why I wanted to join films and not become a literary writer is something I have no answer for. One reason could have been that I felt it to be a too far fetched dream. Same goes for acting too but I tried anyway.  I have always felt writers are like magicians, the world they create stays embedded in our minds for decades or sometimes our entire life.

I will try and remember novels and their writer's names that have stayed with me, that I read in my teens or childhood.

1. Nirmala- Munshi Premchand: This book has left a big mark on me. I think I read it before I should have. I cried so much and the journey of Nirmala stays with me.

2. Around the world in 80 days - Jules Verne: This book was so fascinating. I have read it a few times after that in my twenties too. Today it is possible to travel the world in less than 8 days but those 80 days stay in my head as clear as a crystal.

3. Alice in the wonderland- Lewis Caroll : I don't remember anything about the book just that I loved reading it again and again and felt a kinship with Alice. I wanted to be Alice so bad. I guess I am still trying to be her. This is why a theatre group I started with a friend was called Mad Hatter.

4. Swami Vivekananda (Biography): My brother Niraj had gotten me this book. It was published by the trust. It was kind of a compilation of Vivekananda's writing about himself and his disciples had added things to make it a comprehensible story about his life. I absolutely adored that book. I brought it with me to Mumbai too. I lost it when I gave it to someone who never returned it.

5. Panchtantra : A collection of short stories with a lesson at the end of each story. I have read that book so many times. I brought this book along too and gave it to a friend I did plays with. He lost it and then told me, he had returned it. Liar.

Among other books that stayed are  English August, Merchant of Venice, Siddhartha- Herman Hesse, Buddha (biography - how the prince figures out the truth of the world is my favorite part), etc.

Just going back and thinking about the books I have read reminded me of the importance of reading.  It shows how books become part of your personality.

Though for the past month I have stopped watching anything after I come back home in the evening. But then something else has taken its place, talking to friends.

One incident I remember after my college completed.. I would stay alone in my flat a lot. I had quit doing theatre with people I worked with. Wanted something else in my life.. Maybe I wanted to try out films or so. But I didn't go out and meet people.  Most of the jobs I have done has come to me on it's own. I can count on my fingers the steps I have taken and the moments I stepped out and asked for work. Those are the moments that changed my life in true sense.

One quote I read somewhere that relates to this statement: If you don't make your own plans you will work for other people's plans. And Guess what they have for you in their plan.. Very little.

Stepping up is important. I am learning to do that.  Go out and take what you want. It's lying there. But you need to walk up to that thing.

So post my college. I was doing nothing. No job. No money. Nothing. As usual, I did have a lot of books at my place because I may not be a compulsive reader but I am a compulsive buyer of books. So sitting at home I felt reality guilty of doing nothing to move forward in life.  I decided one thing to be guilt-free. Because since I didn't do anything I didn't enjoy going out with friends either because of the guilt. I decided that I will read like it is my job to read. So for 3 months, I guess, a little here and there. I read for 6 hours every day and then I got some project I guess. I would read 6 hours minimum during that time and then it kind of became a habit for a few years. So what happened because of the reading was that slowly my family and friends started considering me smart.

Because they started doing that I also started believing so.

One very interesting thing happened. I went for reading of a play. I had never read before in front of so many people and also people knew I was okay not good.. But that day, when I read a few characters, everyone was blown away. They asked me if I had joined some other theatre group or did some acting workshop. Because I was hitting the mark like every time.

I thought about how the magic had happened. During my period of reading, whenever I read a play, I would try and read it out loud as much as I could. I believe over the period of many many plays. I started understanding what was expected more and more.

But I must confess today, that I have lost a lot of that charm and It can only come back through a lot of reading. Consciously, I will work to bring it back to my life and daily routine.

I shall start reading like a job, Once Again.

PS. This is an Ode to a friend who never leaves. Our Books.

Aaj mera virodh khamosh hai!!!

Aaj mera virodh khamosh hai..
Koi awaaz sunai nahi deti mere virodh ki
koi tasveer dikhayi nahi deti mere virodh ki
koi poochta nahi ki kyun khamosh aaj mera virodh hai.

baant rahe hai sabko khancho mei
kaat rahe saath ke dhaage wo ek ek kar
kheench rahe deewarien badi badi si..
tum ismei main usmei
sab hue titar bitar kis kis mei
bikhre hue khwabon ko
aasan hua kuchalna ab
pahle sun lete the ek dusre ki aah
ab an suni reh jate hai aahein sab..

khamosh hua virodh mera bhi tera bhi..
cheekh cheekh ke kehti hai ruhe sab
naam pe anjane ruh ki behlana hua aasan ab
bas kahaniyan hi toh sunai thi aag ki unhone
jalaane lage tum makan sab
daman ab bhi saaf hai..
jeewan unka ab bhi pak hai..
bas tum reh gaye jalaane ko..
bas tum.. tum reh gaye jalne ko bhi..

Aaj mera virodh khamosh hai..
koi kar sun bhi toh nahi sakta
bache kaha hai ab kan woh..
kuch mei aag, kuch mei barf ke shole hai bhadakte hue..
kehna hua bekar ab..
sunsan dilon ki rah hui
bekar umeedon ki shaakh hui..
gaadhi hui dimaag ki shaan ab..
bacha nahi kuch kehne ko shayad
kyunki khamosh hua virodh tera bhi mera bhi..

kuch kar sake agar koi..
kuch soch sake agar parton ke bheetar bhi
kuch sun sake bhadhakte hue sholon ke beech bhi
toh ek baar ek dusre ki aankon mein dekhna
apni hi tasver nazar aayegi..
apne hi nazar aayenge..
rok lena kataaron wali haath ko tab..
apni bhi aur dusro ki bhi..
nafrat ki jeet se..
mohabbat ki haar sahi..
kuch kar sako toh karo
kuch sun sako toh suno
kyunki virodh aaj khamosh hai
tera bhi aur mera bhi
mehsoos kar sako toh karo
kyunki humara virodh aaj khamosh hai.

-SA

परिवर्तन

                                                      

अपनी बालकनी से खड़ा अक्षत रोज नीचे के फ्लोर पर देखा करता, जहां गरिमा फूल उगाया करती थी|  सुबह सुबह उठकर अक्षत अपने लिए एक कप चाय बनाता और बैलकनी के नीचे खड़ा गरिमा को निहारा करता| अभी एक  सप्ताह हुए होंगे उसे अपने गांव से दिल्ली आए| उसने आनंदा कॉलेज से ग्रेजुएशन किया था और अब दिल्ली में रहकर साल 2 साल में आईएएस निकालने का प्रयास था| अक्षत बहुत ही आत्मविश्वासी व्यक्ति था, एक किसान के घर पला-बढ़ा बड़ी मशक्कत से पढ़ाई पूरी की और फिर पटना जाकर ग्रेजुएशन पूरा किया और जब बात नौकरी की आई तो उसने 1 साल महिंद्रा शोरूम में काम किया और साथ में कई परीक्षाएं देता रहा| जो साथी उसके साथ पढ़ते थे उनमें से एक ने उसे आईएएस सुझाया, कुछ सोचने समझने पर उसे लगा कि आईएएस उसके लिए सही ऑप्शन है क्योंकि वह जो परिवर्तन दुनिया में लाना चाहता है वह शायद सही पोजीशन पर पहुंच कर ला सकता है| उसने सरकार के काम करने का जो तरीका देखा है वह शायद एक कलेक्टर बनकर बदल सकता है| वह अपने पिता जैसे गरीब किसानों की जिंदगी सुधार सकता है, इस सोच के साथ वह दिल्ली आया और गरिमा के फ्लोर के ऊपर रहने लगा| यहां आने पर जिंदगी में पहली बार सुबह से किसी का इंतजार करने लगा, ऐसा कैसे हो सकता है इसे कोई पसंद नहीं आई अब तक| आई शायद पर इतनी फुर्सत नहीं थी, ना कभी ध्यान दिया; बाकी चीजों जरूरी थी|  गरीबी में प्यार एक लग्जरी है, अजीब बात है ना प्यार का हक तो सबको है पर मौका नहीं मिलता| शायद जीने का हक ज्यादा जरूरी है|

खैर, अभी अक्षत दिल्ली में था और थोड़ा बहुत पैसा बचा लिया था  उसने, और इस कारण सुकून तो था| पर सुकून कहां पसंद है हमें, तो बे-चैन होने के लिए इश्क कर लिया, उसने फूल उगाने वाली गरिमा से|  जबकि अभी उसके जीवन का सबसे बड़ा इम्तिहान बाकी था, उसे कलेक्टर बन कर अपने जैसे लोगों की जिंदगी में उम्मीद भरना था | तैयारी के लिए दिल्ली आना अलग बात है और तैयारी करना अलग|  कुछ दिनों में गरिमा को भी अपने दर्शक का एहसास हो गया और एक रोज उसने अक्षत को देखकर मुस्कुरा दिया, उस दिन अक्षत सकपका गया पर दूसरे दिन वह पहले मुस्कुराया| फिर आते जाते हाय हेलो से सिलसिला शुरु हुआ और पीवीआर साकेत तक पहुंच गया|  गरिमा की खुद की कार थी, वह अपने मां बाप के साथ रहती थी, मगर गाड़ी खुद की खरीदी थी| वह दिल्ली यूनिवर्सिटी से पीएचडी कर रही थी बॉटनी में और साथ में एक कोचिंग इंस्टिट्यूट में पढ़ाती भी थी| अक्षत के पास ज्यादा पैसे नहीं थे खर्च करने के लिए, तो अक्सर पैसे गरिमा दिया करती थी|  अक्षत दो दोस्तों के साथ ऊपरवाले माले पर रहता था और गरिमा आती जाती थी| एक दिन कोई नहीं था और दोनों कुछ ज्यादा करीब आ गए| अक्षत के मोरल स्टैंडर्ड थोड़े स्ट्रांग थे पर शायद उस दिन वह उन्हें भूल गया और कहते हैं ना जो बात एक बार भूली उसे भुला ही समझो, तो यह अक्सर का सिलसिला हो गया, इन्हें जब मौका मिलता वह उसे नहीं छोड़ते थे|  

देखते देखते 2 साल बीत गए आई ए एस  तो अब तक नहीं निकला पर नौकरी ढूंढने की नौबत ज़रूर आ गई|  गरिमा ने पीएचडी पूरी कर ली थी और उसे डीयू में लेक्चररशिप मिल गई|  उसके घर वाले उसकी शादी पर जोर देने लगे और अक्षत को कोई भी ऐसी नौकरी नहीं मिली जिस दम पर वह गरिमा के मां-बाप से बात कर पाता|  उसके अपने मां बाप और उसका सपना तो 2 साल पीछे रह गए थे| एक दिन गरिमा ने बताया कि पापा ने उसकी शादी तय कर दी है और वह कुछ नहीं कर पाई और अब उनका मिलना ठीक नहीं|  अक्षत सुनन था उसे समझ में नहीं आया कि वह क्या बोले और वह रोने लगा| गरिमा ने उसे गले लगाया और आंसू पोछे और कहा कि यह 2 साल मेरी जिंदगी के सबसे यादगार और महत्वपूर्ण दिन रहेंगे और वह उसे कभी नहीं भूलेगी| पर  वह रोता रहा क्योंकि यह 2 साल बस उसे नहीं उसके मां-बाप के साथ-साथ पूरे गांव और पूरे जिले को याद रहेंगे, क्योंकि वहां परिवर्तन लाने वाला व्यक्ति खुद परिवर्तित हो चुका था|