Flying vs Drowning

                                                                  

As I finished the first paragraph of the story and looked at the man in the first row, he yawned not even trying to hide it from me who was telling him a story. And I am sure it was not me that had bored him because my story was quite interesting and I was interested in telling it.  But this should not have been the reason that I felt that I was fighting to breathe because in the previous show a woman in the very seat was about to doze off every now and then and it had not affected me. So how could it be that a yawn distracted me?

Or could it be that just as Nasser sir announced my name, a moment before that I had an urge to clear my throat? And I was not on my mark.. No no no. None of this bullshit. The only fact is that while I was on stage I felt I am not getting through to the audience. Sir had told me earlier about this situation. He said, there are shows when you feel it is not going well. Slow down.  Actors tend to get faster but do the opposite.

I had this diagnosis. And it came to my rescue and I slowed down and went fast and again slowed down. I tried what I could. I believe that.  One more thing that he had told me came to my mind, you should have concern for the audience. I brought in that too.

No matter how bad an actor thinks he is doing, he is doing more or less of what he did in the rehearsals same goes for the feeling of flying. No matter how good I felt about the performance I was more or less where I was during the rehearsals. The point is to trust all the hard work you have done and do what you are meant to.

A beautiful revelation I had, no matter what you are going through a live theatre performance is like life, you have to push through no matter what or you die. The feelings of euphoria or depression should be seen with the same abandonment. An actor should not be concerned with them and just express and make the audience understand what he is trying to tell them. The point is to put the message across. Don’t beat yourself too much that you were perfect or not. Another important thing that I think could be useful is to be fine with losing control. We want to control all the time but we can't have that. I will be conscious about it and if I start being fine with losing control in life I should be fine on stage.  (Note: Be fine with not having control)

I am so glad I had this diverse experience in two back to back shows. I wonder if I do long-running production that is happening daily what will I be discovering and understanding for myself. The point always is to grow and move ahead with every experience.  (I did a one entry last year in a month-long production Motley’s The Truth and I learned that I need not trust the audience for feedback during the show. Every show there are different people in the audience and their reactions would be different)

There are a lot of things that may run through our heads but none of it is valid the only thing valid is what are you there to do?

Shut up and do that.

I checked and cross-checked with a few people which is the worst thing to do.  How do we forget the most cherished lessons in life when the time comes for it to apply. Ages back,  I was in backstage and a younger actor asked his senior What did he think about his performance? The senior actor said, what did you think?

An actor always knows. There is no point in asking and if anyone has any input they will give it.

So this ends with Do we really learn?

I guess I can’t end it on that.  We learn. Sometimes we may need a couple of same experiences for the message to sink in.

Now I am ready to fly and to drown. Accepting that they are both experiences which need to be felt and not resisted.

If you resist you die. If you accept you survive.

And, I survived to cut the story short.

PS. For all the feelings that we feel and whatever it means. The sound guy told me on his own that my second show was Excellent. The one which I felt I was drowning and the first show he felt was good which I felt was Excellent. So there you go. Have some coffee and Chill.

PS. 8/05/20 10th November show. I figured why I felt off in the 2nd show. When Sir was introducing me. I felt like coughing. I felt I had a few extra seconds but as I moved away from my mark he said my name. And I rushed in. So I carried on that rushed in energy and didn't feel at ease.. The answer was out there but I was not ready to accept it could be so simple.  Note to self. Don't move from your mark no matter what. :)