A Happy Post!!!

I don't know if I have written a happy post. But i have written quite a few grim posts. Questioning everything. Even the meaning of all of this. I understand a thing though, Life is what you make it to be. It's all in our heads. We can steer it where ever we want it to. Meaning of Life is the meaning you give it.

Or we are Truman's from the Truman show (Jim Carey). Whether we are controlled by a divine power or by some power hungry humans. We do have our corners where we could be what we want to be.  There is some hope there. If you really want to accomplish something, the very act of attempting it will give you peace. Maybe peace is the wrong word. It will give you sustenance to look forward to another morning to get up and try again.

I have never seen anyone completely at peace if they are in this material world trying out things. But having a path helps. You are not so lost. No matter what happens in your life. You have a map to follow. It keeps telling you to take a right and then first left. You might put the breaks in frustration. But you start again. The voice would not stop until you start again.

I have been lost and frustrated more than I can count. But I have been crazy over the top happy too, many a times. Life is like that, I guess.

I wonder, If I didn't think about these things who would I be. If i was not always questioning What and where I would be.

I do dig tunnels and get cosy in there . Not wanting to come out. After every loss. But I can't deny the fact that I am ready for failure. I am always ready to take up a challenge and be open to failure. It was difficult at first. I fail more than I win but I remember less of the lessons from my wins. I think failure teaches you so much and makes you huge. I just had to be open to the pain. Open to navigate through it. I have learned it. It was not like this before.  My growth has hastened. The point being not making the same mistake again. New mistakes are welcome. The more i fuck up. The less surprises there will be in future.  For that I need to do more and more. Write more. act more. live more.

It is fun man. And thanks for reading all of this. I  was surprised seeing the page count. I guess I have been writing regularly.  So you have been reading regularly. A friend of mine offered to help with the grammar of my posts. I don't know. Maybe I will learn it myself. Not too late. All of my grammar is from the books I read. From my remembrance. I guess there are apps too to check the grammar. Will start writing good English soon.

Oh! Why is this a happy post? when all I talked about is serious stuff. Guess this is my happiness. This makes me happy.  So in all of this thinking and questioning. During a conversation with a friend. I had an Epiphany about me as a person and as an artist. It made me so happy and clear. I was suddenly free.

Free from all of my concerns. Just one idea. One thought Made me free.

So, when anyone asks me or tells me, hey Man, you think a lot?

I gotta say, what's the harm in that?

CRACKS.

Cracks.

Cracks are not mendable.
once broken a glass cannot regain it's structure
once broken a stone cannot regain it's shape.
Well well well
that is good for glasses and stones
Dont use this Simile for Human relationship
We can be broken
We can get cracked
but we can restructure reshape ourselves.
We are not substance we are in the horizon of energy.
Our friendships and relationships may gain from a crack.
If two want it to work
Crack may reshape itself into something better.
Once broken it could take a new better shape
Only when both of you want it.
Nothing is unmendable.
Nothing is left broken
Everything can find a new lease of life.
Only when you want it.
Only when you need it.

If you believe it is broken
Shape it up again.
Using the material that caused the crack.
Make it into something more beautiful.
Believe life can be mended.
You will not remain broken always.
It is only your outlook that decides it for you.
So what do you decide?
Is  your friendship worth mending?
Is your love worth reshaping?
Is your family important to you?

For what is important.
You will find a way
To get rid of anger, guilt and shame.
To be rid of hate, agony and ego.
You will find a way.

The question here is:
Do you want to?

Love & It's Million Interpretations.

Everyone has a different understanding of love. For each of us. It means something else. For me too It has been like that. I was always wary of declaring love. Comparing people rating them as to who I loved more. The questions like, Who do you love the most? are nightmares for every child. Specially when asked in the presence of subjects. I always avoided answering these questions or did I not. I have always been known to be brutal and straight forward. Love starts with the family and then comes love for an idea and then romantic love, which in turn gives you the chance to start the loop all over again for some one else.

I consider myself a skeptic in matters of love.  From my early days, I was in love with acting. performing. the obsession to be a actor of some understanding. Someone who could create magic. But I tested myself. Did I really love  or was it just another fascination. Again, the meaning is not quite clear. And what If I loved acting, Did Acting love me back? I didn't want to be an obsessed ass hole not getting the love back. slowly I realized , It was Mutual. I loved her and She me. It started becoming apparent when people would compliment me for my passion for this art. We were meant to be together. And I accepted this love between us or whatever it was. For me It is love of a life time. I was also scared what if I would not love acting after i point of time. What would happen then? I would become so lost in this vast world. Nothing to do, no where to go. But it was true I guess. I didn't have to put any extra effort. I didn't have to ask or beg for this love. I didn't have to show my earnestness. It was easy.  Everything just fell in place. People started coming in my life who nurtured my talent. Seeing the passion. This one thing started defining me as it happens with all kinds of love. today, all of my existence revolves around it.

Everyone in my life has to bear this love of mine. hear romance stories that I keep telling them. What option do they have. If they want to be around me or spend time with me. I am only concerned with this.

But it has not been an easy relationship. there has been a lot of fight and drama. Where I have taken a step back. Started doing things I thought I deserved. Not this .  I felt maybe acting is not meant for me. Everyone told me It was impractical thinking I could be an actor. But no one told me a small fire could burn the whole jungle. If I kept at it. I would be burning ablaze with this art and no one could see me as anything else. I and the art would become synonyms.  The same people changed their views and vouch for my love. It doesn't matter. It didn't matter when it was Nay, It shouldn't matter when it is Yay. People say what they see at the moment, or what is the truth of their life. It means nothing to you . It should mean nothing to you. Because it is not a reflection of who you are but who they are.

I am not sad that I took a lot of time to accept my purpose in life. The passion never left me but I always questioned myself. Now, there is no doubt. Our relationship is so strong that I don't need to ask anyone if was any good. I know it in my heart what Happened. the truth is there for me to see. I can sense it. If I did what I meant to, no one saying otherwise can dishearten me. I know, I did what I wanted according to my understanding, maybe I need to work on my understanding. Or if someone praises me and in my heart I know I couldn't go the extra mile. They can't make me feel good. My relationship with my art is very personal and intimate. I don't need anyone else to tell me about my relationship. We don't need a counselor. 

I'm glad for this part of my life. Of all the hurt and tears that go on because of our life dealings with other humans. My sleep has always been deep. My mornings always bright.

We all need to be in the company of humans. But knowing they don't hold absolute power over you is liberating. No one is more important than you. Everyone has their own dreams,  ambitions and idiosyncrasy. Their behavior should never be the reflection of you. It is just their reflection and insecurities projected on you. Most of the time, people are talking to themselves. Asking questions and answering them. Most people are talking to a mirror. You are not there. So, don't let it affect you.  In our relationship with fellow humans there is always a middle ground to be reached. But for all the middle ground you need to reach. Keep your self respect at the top of the ladder. Love has to be based on equality. A person who doesn't respect you now. Will not respect you in the future. A person who treats someone else ill will not treat you well. I see people being obsessed in romantic love. It hurts me to see them begging each other to be a part of their lives. Do you think your obsession is love. It can never be. The obsession will be over once you have acquired it. It is because you don't have it that you cry. Once you have it reality will hit you. But who thinks so much. At the end of the day, crying on your pillows, all you can say is, I want what I want. That's crap in plain terms. People who don't love themselves can never love others. The answer to our peace is not outside but inside. Try understand your idiosyncrasies more. the more you understand yourself. the more you can understand others.

My understanding has given me so many beautiful friends, lovers. But I always believe, in love both of you have to take a step. One step at a time.

Longing, begging will give you nothing. It is better to stay away from that  person who treats you that way.

I find it hard to mention, I have seen many friends drowned in obsessive love, can't say I didn't deal with it too. I have, it was a lesson worth having. A understanding worth imbibing. It doesn't matter. Your obsessions will not help you.  I have seen people hospitalized. A guy drowns himself to death in these obsessions. While a girl is treated like an object losing any kind of respect and love she had for herself. Take charge. Take charge.

Do you call this love? Love is like a light house which shows you the way in stormy night. Not something that drowns you. Love has to be between two things. It can never exist in only one object. That is not love only madness.

I am sure if I didn't feel loved by my art. I would have chosen a different path. I am a hundred percent sure. There is this poem by Gulzar on love. I just love it. Sharing it. If you had time to read my post you could listen to it too. It is more profound than my thoughts.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Pak7A0165g

Phantom Life

We find ways to torture ourselves. We find illusion in the mundane. We believe in things that don't exist. We look away from the truth. We want to worship false gods rather than relying on ourselves. We don't want to see the real problem. So we create fake problems and keep solving them in loop. The real issue staying as it is.

We find ways to hurt ourselves. We know there are things that are beyond our control. We can't  stop ourselves from attempting to gain control over something which is beyond us. We build a world in our heads and chase it. We look for that Phantom world. What we chase is not there. What we are looking for is only in our heads. We are never ready to see the truth.

What if we were dedicated to the truth. It would hurt and torture us some more. But won't there be a chance to solve something that is there. We pray to things that don't exist, we love people who are a product of our imagination, we want to do things beyond our reach. What if we were dedicated to truth. It would be some Experience of life. What if we didn't live in our heads but in the real world. What if we saw everything for what they are. What if we could love the misgivings of life. What if we accepted this is what life is. What if we all came out of our heads and started communicating to each other in true sense.

What if we dedicated our life's to serve truth.

What would happen then?
Will we still feel tortured, hurt, betrayed, lost.

What can truth give us that illusions can't.

Will sticking to the honest happenings and not my interpretation and imaginary ideas save me.

Will I be saved?
What will become of me if i changed course and only believed in truth.

As an actor, I imagine things. Believe them to be facts and that makes me a believeble actor. Why do I do the same in life. Why ?

Sometimes, I feel it is truth that can save me. But everything is so bungled up. There is no difference between the projection and the object.

I might be part of a film that has been written by my incapable imaginary mind.

But who the fuck is directing it?