I am Supposed to be writing a script for a feature film right now.. But why am I writing this... Whatever this is. I couldn't write at home. Even after paying a lot of money every month as rent. I don't seem to be able to use it for work. I got ready wore clean clothes Styled my wispy hair. and reached a cafe. Here I first ordered something to eat and now I have ordered a coffee. I got be spending as well. Or my brain won't start the process.. I need to feel that I am putting in extra effort. And the job I have which pays for my monthly expenses. I outsource that writing job because I don't like doing it. So I pay most of my salary to others. There is nothing left for me. After going through this shit every time I write a script for someone where the money is promised in the future. I spend a great deal of time agonizing. Making myself ready to write. Don't get me wrong. I do write and write well I believe. This is the reason people keep trying to make me write. I was talking to Riya, a collaborator on some of the writing projects that I did. She assisted me in a few scripts among other things.. I was telling her how I have to stop taking writing projects where money is not sure to be seen. It might happen or it might not. I have written enough scripts for them to get an idea. If I have to invest in something why not on my own projects where I could act or direct. So I was telling her that I should not take projects unless it pays really really well and the agony that I go through is worth it. I have to confess here. Scriptwriting has made me lose a lot of friends. Some took my script and sat on it as if it were their ass warmer.. Some I couldn't complete because I didn't enjoy their story maybe. I tried. I tried for my future.. But it seems I am a man of the present. I love to be here, right now. Still, future plans are always there.. Like I have two commitments of scripts that I need to finish. and then I am done, for good. Post that I want to write for myself. I have been itching to write a novel for so long.. I have the 30-page story written for a decade.. I got to bring it alive. Story of a Princess in a village in Rajasthan whose father has lost the title and the riches.. She wants to bring some sense of worth for him by doing something that would make him proud. But a 14-year-old girl what can she do in an adult's world. The period is 1955. She keeps trying to do a lot of things.. and sometimes as they say destiny comes to you if your desire is deep and honest. Hers is. Newly independent India is planning an international Horse race which Britishers used to conduct. Now, she has a horse in the broken-down palace but she is not a rider. Can she learn in a few months and win against the professionals of the world.. That we shall see only if I sit and write.. Hai ki nahi? Warna toh kitni kahaniyan logon ke dilon mein hi reh jati hai.. Likhna chahiye yeh, likh main woh raha hun jo nahi likhna chahta.. sahi hi kaha hai logon ne.. find out what you are and follow that.. I always knew about the actor in me.. but never had the strength or courage to go after it. Not that I am not acting. Don't get me wrong there.. I am . I always seem to be. But nothing much to show. People know me as someone who has potential but no one ever has seen my potential. My acting career is like your neighborly ghost, everyone seems to have heard about it but no one has seen it with their own eyes.. But I have had enough now. I got to do something about it. Writing scripts my behavior is shit. I am that supervillain who you see in those Bond films. I can't explain how odd I behave. How much I alienate people. Opposite when I am acting or directing.. I am an angel.
Everything boils down to a few things that is in our personality.. Someone recently told me.. Being kind and considerate is not always a good thing.. Learn to say no, stand for yourself. I find it so difficult to say no.. That I just run away.. I ghost these people.. I can't say something that will hurt you. I just can't. So I put my head in the sand.. If I can't see it. It's not there..
Ufff.. Now being an actor also helps figure out your whys? Any character you can reach if you know what their want is ?
My want.. I want to be liked. This is why you all love me. You think I am this sweet angel who listens to you so well.. Who cares for you.. Who says yes to your every whims and wish..
No.. not an angel.. A scared kid.. scared you will leave him to.. like..
ab yeh bhi kahani sunani padegi kya.. heavy ho jayega.. Thik hai hone do.. apna toh therapy ho jayega..
I must have been 4.. oh the resistance.. the brain has frozen.. what does it think.. if it won't give me words.. I won't be able to write.. Arre even if i don't write.. I can share the experience from memory..
Sorry I couln't write here it goes.
{I was 4 and a half.. my parents told me we were going on holiday.. We went to Kurseong, Darjeeling.. We did some sightseeing. Then we went to a place where we were in a room with strangers.. My parents were talking to them.. I was asked If I wanted to see around.. I said yes.. When I came back, My parents were not there.. I had been left behind.. I cried and cried and questioned why? What did I do? I wished they would return and forgive me for whatever I had done But no one came back. }
Toh... Anyways Sorry.. I know I am not that kid anymore.. I love my parents.. They support me in everything.. I know they meant well but this doesn't go away..
Once I was doing a film in Delhi.. and we talked about all of this.. I was talking to Fayeza who was a script supervisor.. and she said you need to address this. I said okay... How to address this.. After the shoot was over. I took a train and went to my hostel. It was February and the hostel was closed obviously. Because it snows there. We used to get winter holidays for 2 months. What I was supposed to achieve there..no clue.. I just wanted to see that place maybe.. Refresh my memory... Roaming around the town I was looking for a proper coffee shop that we people in metros so much love.. I found a cafe beautiful scenic.. view of the tv tower which I would see from my bed as a child every night.. The cafe was very unique.. It was called 33 dream cafe run by Chophell Tenzin.. He talked about dreams and dreamers.. and following your heart's desire.. I told him I was also following my dream.. But I never told him that I deliberately try stay on the edge.. Not hold it in my hands.. What if I get what my heart desires and it is not enough.. I didn't tell him.. that I am the hamster on the wheel.. always moving but not reaching anywhere.. Why? I would not be able to say.. Why not achieve it.. I don't know. The number of opportunities I have run from.. Anyways.. If you go to Kurseong please visit the 33 dream cafe.. Chophell is amazing.. He does so much for the community.. animals.. we keep talking even though it has been years we met. He appreciates everything that he sees me achieve.. Only I know these are just wrapppers that I wrap around myself with to feel worthy..
Upon reaching my hostel.. I looked around that place.. Sat in the bed I had cried in for hours.. Stood in the hall I had forgotten my lines in my first play.. I said a few lines. Told myself see, You got better.. Then sat by the mountains.. shivering looking at the snow caps.. I talked to myself.. I said.. you are not a kid anymore.. you can take care of yourself.. You are fine.. You turned out fine.. nothing is nobody's fault.. Everything happens when it happens.. And If you are left alive after the storm the only thing that you do is forgive yourself.. forgive others.. Say, I am fine.. let's plan our next move.. till we mix in with the sand..
The same thing I will tell myself today. Sitting in this cafe in Bombay.. Do what brings joy in your heart.. make yourself smile. find joy in helping others.. but find joy for yourself first.. If you are doing what you want to do.. then maybe you can be of any help to others as well... not self-sacrificing.. When you beat yourself.. You only turn into a villain.. Be kind, Be considerate to yourself too... Explore the Why? Find out Why you are, what you are, and find out why you want what you want.. and then go for it..
