A short story about Love.

It was the year 2011. He called her to his house. They had recently met in a drawing class. He was the teacher.  She was fascinated by him, his charms. Obviously, he was good looking. He was a student in JJ School of Arts. They said he was going to be the next big thing. She was star struck it seemed but she was only fascinated, she had a crush,  she was not in love. She was only 18 what did she know about love. Absolutely nothing.

At night usually when she thought of love all the references were usually from films or books. Love happens once and when it happens you stick to it. You commit yourself to it and make it work. Her parents fought all the time. They were in love once, and this is what love was? It confused the little girl once in a while. Anyway, who has ever been able to define love in the best way? It is different for different people. For some it is definite for others it is flexible. For some love happens once, for some it happens when it happens and it happens all the time.

While some believe love is a way for nature to fool you into sexual intercourse so that humanity stays afloat. Why would otherwise love evaporate? The crazy pull you had for each other vanishes one day. why? When you know everything about each other the magic is gone. People ask why? How then is love forever? Some say love for whatever it be, The end goal is a commitment, you said you love so and so and if they stay sane you try and make it work. If they go crazy you run.

In her little head, love was forever. He was upset about this girl who had ditched him for another painter. He kept talking about how he had been short-changed. He had been cheated.. He kept blabbering, pouring his heart out.. She was sad for him not understanding half of what he said.
She got emotional.. She had tears in her eyes. She moved closer to him and tried to console him by whatever she could think of.  What could she think of? He was at least a decade older than her. What could she say that would make sense to him. Nothing. She patted his hand and told him not to worry it will be all right. She smiled at him.. He looked at her with sad eyes and kissed her.

She froze not knowing what to do. She couldn't respond. She had never been intimate with anyone and this was their third meeting. They had exchanged general texts about life but they were not so close, it was not love. What the hell was he doing? He kept going and she let it go, lying there scared and helpless.

She was confused about what had happened. He told her it was love. They had made love and that they loved each other. She thought maybe this is love. and after a couple of weeks, relationship status on her facebook changed from single to in a relationship.

She talked to herself once in a while.. He was actually hot and she had a crush on him. So many had crushes on him. She was lucky to have him in her life.  They started meeting on a regular basis. Her Instagram feed was full of their cute pictures.

How beautiful life was. One day she was coming back from college, she was talking to this dude who was her neighbor. He saw her talking to him and smiling. He was jealous but he didn't stop. He went home. She came as usual in the evening at his house. She was so happy to see him she ran to him and hugged him. He pushed her away. She fell on the floor. His first question was, Whore, who was he?

The first time he hit her was when he had drunk too much it was not him it was the drink she thought and I should not have argued with him.   But slowly he was drinking every day and arguments became a way of life.

Almost 8 years after they had first met in spite of heavy opposition from her parents. She decided to marry him. But he ditched her after the engagement. It happened like this, he started asking if she was happy with him and when she said yes.. He said you are lying. One thing led to another, they were fighting on the road. All this happened after he was drunk. She told him we will talk tomorrow. she said you are drunk, you don't know what you are talking about. He decided to leave her. He told one of his friends, the whore should have listened.

He decided to leave her after two hospitals trips and one rape I guess.

She was sad and hurt she missed him. This was not what it should have been. It was love and love happens once. She tried hard to reach out to him, saying sorry many times but he would not respond. she cried and cried. It was death to her.. What would she do without love, without the man who had taken her virginity. She belonged to him. That is what her heart said. All the pain she had gone through was nothing because love it was. And you fall in love once.

It took her two years to come out of it. She told herself it was not love.  She met many guys after that. Love was different. They were caring, respectful. It was confusing. What was it she had gone through?

She liked this new guy, who was so respectful and sweet. He never took a single step towards her without her permission. He respected her. She needed to learn to accept the new idea of love. It was difficult but she started to have fun. This guy never screamed at her. Never lifted even a finger at her. It was heaven. Her parents loved the new guy. She told him, what that old guy had done to her, now she understood what she had gone through was abuse. He stood by her and told her he will help her forget all that. He said he will be by her side till she wants him too. Till they both want to. They both thought finally they had found the one. Their life would be easier now.

But something changed. The old guy had called. He said he had changed. He said he was sorry. He cried. He begged her to take him back. She got confused. Old ideas about love came back to her.

After all love is forever and she had not been able to take him out of her head. She had always hoped he would change. Now he had. She could fulfill her dream after all. Her idea of love could be true. Her first love had transformed from a monster to a saint and it only took him 2 years of separation. He had learned the lesson after all.

Slowly, the new guy started feeling ignored. Slowly their communication ceased. He asked her what it was, she said nothing, you are thinking too much. There is nothing wrong. We are good. He knew they were not good. He took a backseat. He decided to give her space. He believed in equality. If he was respectful he wanted others to be the same. He felt empty, he was not getting the love he was giving. It was difficult to process that. He decided to divert his attention and got busy with other things. 

A couple of months later, the new guy received a call. He didn't answer. He should have. She needed his help. He had drunk again. He had hit her again. He had not changed after all. 

The new guy should have picked up the call because the old guy had left her bleeding.

It was love after all.

Footnote: I watched this docu Brave miss world last night. it inspired me to write this story that I saw in life. I feel speaking helps. Speak up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4l2D91KrdQ

Looking back.. Looking Ahead...

It's been a while. I scribbled something. So many things happening. Some useful some useless. I find it fun to figure myself out, what's going on with me. And my way is to write that down and share it publicly. What a Dumb concept. Who cares for anyone else's blabbers.  It could bore them or entertain. But my only agenda would be figuring out What's happening?

So what is happening Mr. Anand. Well, nothing much. I seem to be fine. Doing a few plays. Found a lovely group of people who have love for their craft and are interested in acting as profession and don't just say it for the sake of saying. So I feel comforted. After some hits and misses. I have found my kind of people. It is really fun working with people who love their work as you do. 

What I am interested in ?  I have always said this, trying to understand acting in the simplest terms and that when I perform I connect with the audience. these are my small goals. Rest of the things can figure themselves out. I am interested in figuring out these.

So now, what my process is makes me terrible in the initial to mid of preparations. because I am awaiting for the character to take over slowly during the rehearsals. I scare people around me with my helpless struggle out in the open. But that is my way, i have to be miserable out in the open. So I accept myself. i don't have the pressure to impress. All my aim is and shall always be is to express what the pages say. I don't have any more agenda nor do I care as an actor. If you love me in the confines of the page well and good. If not, i am not what you like i guess. I have played to the gallery so much that it is embarrassing when I look back as to what I did. I know I will have to do all that. that is another form of art and films and plays are made just for that purpose. Though I could be amazing doing that. but I don't find myself too interested in gaining that kind of popularity. I crave no such thing. What I crave is connection and understanding of the character.

I came back to doing theatre in November. Started back in acting when I was accidentally called to instruct in a acting workshop in May. I was free and agreed, I have loved working with the kids teaching them and stuff, they have no expectations from learning acting. but i don't quite enjoy working with adults. They bore me with their rigid ideas and beliefs. i want to work with people who believe that each and everything they believe in could be shit. Then you are talking. then you can move ahead. This is why when I share any of my idea, i always add that what i am about to say could make sense to you or it could be shit to you. If it moves you use it, if not drop it. I don't really care.

I have read so many books, thought of so many paths to reach the character but realized  Every character requires different approach like with understanding humans you can't measure everyone with the same yardstick. All it boils down to is knowing your character like you know yourself. Now use whatever way to reach there.

I have seen actors resisting giving history and dreams to their character. What difference does it make they feel I assume. I have tried acting when I am blank about the past or the future. And when I know a lot. Knowing a lot creates some magic. if you know something It stays in your head.

We got to ask questions.. why he is like this or why he is crazy, or why he is fidgety etc.

To those who still think these questions and history unimportant. Try living a day without your memories.  And then we will talk.

You won't even be able to take one step. Clueless is the word. You won't know what to do after you get up. where you are going and why?????

Now that, I am acting all the time. With three rehearsals in the day. I guess I can call myself a Professional Actor. But not a super one. I find myself being lazy. When I was doing one role all I had to do was think about one character but now with so many roles I find myself confused about what to work on and I end up working on nothing.

I will figure out a way. I love doing this. Maybe I can get back to Meditating and some exercise.


One quote that is written on my desk. Something I scribbled n shared too makes me think about getting my act right and aligning my attitude in the right way. " I always knew what I wanted but you don't get what you want but you get what you think what you deserve".

I deserve the fun I am having with all these plays and roles. .

Crash Course : Becoming Someone else in a couple of days.

I met a friend today. They have to prepare a role. Shoot starts in 7 days.  I said, fear will not save you but change in outlook that you can; will. so here it is.

Dear Friend,

There are two ways to go about it.

The first one is simple. Believing that you are entitled, you deserve this. just going through the whole shoot that you can. Get the lines. every emotion is  in you. Your conviction will pull you through. in the end your confidence and believe, will make people believe in what you are doing. If you doubt while you do it. People will go back unconvinced when they see the film. CONVICTION is the key to anything done well. (Majority of actors use this first step successfully)

The second one takes some work to be done. We all know one thing. Your thoughts make you. you're the sum total of the thoughts you have in your head. This is why it is said, change your thoughts and you change yourself. If today I start thinking thoughts about how a person must be feeling who works in a hospital as a night guard. . After  a point i will be behaving like that guard. Because i would have imagined their life and after a while believed it to be my experiences. When you are saying a line. If you have the history and dreams about the future of that person. Your performance will be genuine and strike a chord with the viewers.

A simple thing I believe about getting into a character is that you must know as much as you can about the person. Who they are and why they want what they want.

The first step is : What they want? 
This will tell you everything you need to know about that person. What we want is who we are. This regulates our behavior. Think about yourself and the mechanisms, how you make decisions. The way you function is the way your character will function. If the character you are creating is someone who is a real living being and not dead wood just saying lines  without feeling anything and pretending  through emotions.

When you create a life for the character. A life lived in your imagination using your life references and experiences. Then your experiences will support the characters imaginary life with real feelings and emotions. It is important to link your characters experiences to yours. The helps  life draw on life. Life lived.

It is said, a person is defined by their fear. Fear does most of the work of making who you are. As we know there are three emotions which drives us, LOVE, GREED and FEAR. Among which usually fear takes our decisions. Make a note of this as we progress as you know the reality of the person you are playing.

The second step: Read the script as many times. Write down Given facts and inferences. 

Read the script.  A good script should usually have every thing you need. Some actors just read and re- read their scripts all the time. If they have enough time. But since you don't have much time, you have to start marking in the script for cue's that tell something about the character. On a piece of paper make two columns. One given. what is given about the character. their age, locality, religion, marital status etc. Anything that tells you about who they are. If the other actor says, "Why do you get angry very easily?" this is your cue to write that down in given-. short tempered. It is for later you ask why they behave in such a way.. Once you have figured out what is given. you write down inferences on the other side, i.e. your interpretation, assumption, supposition of what you understand by the given circumstances. this is called reading between the lines.

From an article about making inferences.

"An inference is a conclusion you reach by applying logic to the evidence you are given. Making inferences while reading is a strategy that will help you learn, remember, and apply what you have read. When you make inferences you are “reading between the lines.” This tactic is similar to what Sherlock Holmes does when he sees that Dr. Watson has a tan and makes a conclusion about where Watson has recently traveled. You already make inferences all of the time. For example, if you go over to a friend’s house and they point at the sofa and say, “Don’t sit there; Candy came over with her baby again,” what could you logically conclude? First, you know there must be a reason not to sit where your friend is pointing. Further, you know that the reason to not sit there is related to the fact that Cindy just visited with her baby. You don’t know what exactly happened, but you can infer enough and don’t need to ask any more questions to know that you do not want to sit there."

The Third step : History.  Who is your character. 

To know anyone truly you need to know their history. Because past experiences and it's reflections make your present behavior.

Read this article about this woman who accidentally killed a boy in a car accident and how it impacted her life. 
http://www.bbc.com/news/stories-42309681

A simple way to know as much about you character is through 5 W's the journalists use to check if they are missing out on any fact they need, to give out a round factual story and that they have not missed any points. Take out a newspaper article and check it's 5 W's you will understand. They answer all the basic questions that you need to know your character.

WHO personal history -  they are
WHAT happens (conflict)
WHEN time of the day, season, historical period
WHERE place location
&
WHY motivation

Also Before every scene ask yourself these questions and write on the other side of the script.

• Who are you talking to ?
• What was said before your character answers. 
• What do you want from that person? 
• Why do you want it ? 
• What will you do to get it ? 
• What will you do when you get it ?

The Fourth Step : Creating Memory. About Incidences mentioned in the script. 

Now you know a whole lot about your character.  Every incidence that you refer to in the script or your co-actor mentions. For example, If your co actor says "remember that day on valentine's day when I proposed and you had slapped me. Who had thought you will fall in love with me." Your responsibility is to create memory of that  day you had slapped your lover. A vivid real memory will make your reaction here in this scene genuine. Don't you observe, how we think in pictures. Any reference to our past events, and we go there and visit that moment.
Make it real. Make memories for the character like you have for yourself. And on the day of shoot you will not be acting but living. 

The fifth Step : Corner Stones. 

We all have 8- 10 incidences that have brought us to who we are today. Take a note from that BBC article. Through everything that you have this is one of the last steps, where you are breathing life to the information you have. Your character will become alive after this step in your head and at will you can switch from yourself to that character. You will become them. You are not pretending to be someone else but you are actually living that life in your head. 

What are corner stones. An incident in your childhood or till the present moment that defines you. A person whose trust was broken by their parents before the age of 5 will struggle with trust issues all their life. In Psychology they say, a person struggles to undo the complexes given by their parents intentionally or unintentionally. 

When you look at your life up close you will know what is running you. Same way, your character is run. So, Figure out those incidences take help from the writer and ask what and why.. how and why this person behaves this way. Why are they shy? or Confident? or crazy? Whoever we are. Behavior is the sum of our experiences and our reflections about that. We make a decision after every disappointment or achievement. And  this  shapes our behavior. 

Find out the corner stones for your character using the script and their behavior and personality written on the paper.   

It is through detailing and in depth work that the words on paper will come alive on your lips and body language. 

Remembering and delivering your lines with charm will keep you among the millions who want to impress. 

Be someone who wants to Express. Because it is your responsibility to reach the audience make them feel what your character is feeling. And it can only happen when you genuinely understand the character as you understand yourself. 

And I tell you, it is not that difficult you just have to be interested in knowing. Everything is out there. Ask questions. 

The biggest question is What do you want? 

If what you want is to give an honest performance, then all you have to do is look. Look closely and you will find your answer. 

All said and done, You thoughts make you, Change your thoughts and change yourself.. Fill your head with the thoughts and beliefs of your character. 

You will become that.

Write everything down in a notebook and keep referring to that. Your notebook should be like a memoir written in first person by your character. And by the end, you should know the details like you know your life.

The Last step. Listen 

After jotting down every detail and having prepared the character. When you are on set. Listen to your co-actor. Listen and emotions will come to the foreground on it's own. You won't have to act because you will be living.

To end with a quote from the master of acting Stanislavsky.

"When the inner conditions are prepared and right, feelings will come to the surface of their own accord".

This is why, Fill yourself with the reality of your character. Then all you would be doing is living that reality.

Enjoy your shoot and gives us a performance to remember.

-Love
  SA

Blocking or Not ???

PS. Blocking is discussed in the last three paras in bold. Rest is build up you can skip.

Recently, I made a decision.  That I will not go with the stupid flow. I took a decision. I always knew what i wanted but you don't get what you want but you get what you think you deserve.

I know my passion and interest towards acting as a profession is the only connection i have with the world. So, if  something defines your existence then it means, there is no where else for you to be man.

So as  a career choice, I would be doing roles in theater and wherever I find them and for the money and financial assistance. i write. The decision was taken in October.  This January, I'm doing quite a handful of plays, that keep me confused which character to think about. So the rule is after you know your character. you don't think about them. You think about that character on the way to the rehearsal.  It has worked quite well for me.

On Stage, I am feeling more and more confident and at ease. A sense of belonging is seeping in.  Though It's just been 6 shows in 2 months. Getting there.

Writing,  I have a paying project and a few potential ones. My situation may be scary for people who get nervous because of lack of money but not me, I am always looking at my lighthouse and it brings me to the coast usually.

So this is how my life is floating these days, but this is not what i sat down to write. After My first show in November, I felt lost. I faced the reality that the actor I am in front of camera has to adjust himself  on stage. I have found a way to work for camera. Giving my full attention for a shot of 2 minutes. to only think thoughts of my character in those moments was convenient. It was easy to be in the zone. But when for an entire duration of the play it was needed. I felt limited in my approach. I realized to give performances note worthy, it will take time. The actor I am in my head and in the eyes of my friends is not seen on stage. On stage, I was struggling to stay in character all the time. I was finding it a task to navigate. I felt like a beginner all over  again.

They say, Once you have learnt driving You can do it even after a few years. but I feel I stopped when I was getting good at it. I couldn't handle a lot of things then. I would get upset over small things. i was too sensitive then. that I stopped working with people if something happened.  I couldn't deal with altercation. Now as a actor I feed on them. Any situation is not a bad situation for me. they are all learning and storing option of emotions. It may  sound weird but I am glad these days by everything that I made to feel. whatever they maybe.

The more weird people are in my life, the more complicated they are, more chances of storing emotions experiences.

Also, I have changed my attitude. I don't judge people according to my standards and code. I accept them for their being. You are what you are. I accept you. You maybe be the biggest jerk or the sweetest person. But that's what you are. I see you and accept you. Why, it speeds my maturity. My friend recently said, you understand yourself more through interaction, good or bad. So, the point here is to interact more and more.

One thing, that bugged me about my performance was my reluctance to accept blocking. I believed If I understand the character and know who i am, I should be able to navigate on the stage. But in one of the shows, i felt constrained. I should not be thinking on stage while responding to my partner where i should go. It made me feel my believes about blocking were absolutely wrong. I called my senior Shubro sir (Shubrojyoti Barat) and asked for his time. He generously met me at Prithvi before he had a show.  I asked him this question, shared my experience. 

His response was that it is absolutely important. You cannot trust you sub conscious to come to your aid all the time what if it leaves you then you will be lost, like I was. Blocking is not just actors walking here and there on stage. Their positioning and gestures represent inner thoughts of the character, they add to what the words don't convey. Blocking & lines give the audience the complete picture of what the character is feeling. Like the script is written, on stage we don't say random lines. same goes with blocking. The director blocks you in such a way that the audiences gets you more. In the end it is about conveying, sharing the story with the audience. 

In a play, every thing should be sketched out before hand. On the show day, If blocking is as locked as lines. All you got to do on stage is be in the thoughts of your character. No distraction. When you know the way back home you reach home. Same goes for a performance.. The pathway should be drawn. If so you will reach home i.e, touch the audiences hearts. Make them feel what you are feeling. 

connection & the actor

I always wondered about connection. How important it for us to be connected. Recently a friend told me. Meditation, solitude, reading. looking inside yourself and all is good. but you understand yourself when you engage with others.

 I agree. 

you get to know yourself by absorbing everything connection brings to us. by secluding yourself you will have one dimensional view of yourself which is mostly not true. no matter how brave and uplifted we feel we are we all are pulled by those basic emotions(fear,greed & love). it is only by engaging in a dialogue or association that you learn bout the blind spots you have. which may result in you rectifying or something. 

As an actor too i have felt it is important to feel the ups and downs as much as we can. so that when  we are emoting them for the character it is something you have lived and not borrowed  from someone else. 

though, i agree we can't experience every possible permutation and combination but our experience will be richer and this results in using our experiences to built, to check if we are on the right track. 

if we seclude ourselves completely. growth is not possible in life or art. connection is very important. 

for the fear of fall we can't stop walking. we can only learn through our ups and downs and grow. 

We may feel we understand certain things and situations but we are mostly blind using our assumptions. let it hit you. grow through the hurt, through the betrayal, through the love, through every thing possible. 

bottling things inside will only make you crazy. 

so open up. you will fail, you will win. but you will be moving. that is important. 

stagnation is death. assumption that you know it all is death. 

the biggest fact to understand about our life is that  we are clueless. let life work through you. 

rather than letting your blocks work through you. which will give you the same results over and over again. 

Open up and connect with life. 

1. 
   

the last talk.

Tu woh nahi jo mujhe pahli dafa mili thi.
Mai bhi woh nahi jo tujhe pahli dafa mila tha.

Har pal jaise  badal raha
Waise badal rahe hum

Kal hum kuch aur the.
Aaj kuch aur hai.
Kal kuch aur honge.

Hote hue bhi kho rahe hai hum

Batoor lo kuch yaddon ko inn panno pe.
Kuch nahi toh ek ad  aa muskan toh aa hi jayegi.