The sound of your foot steps
The sound of the car door closing
The sound of the fan whizzing
Mean nothing to us.
They are just noise.
Waiting to filled with meaning.
As Silences scare us.
We need to feed our Silences
with music, television, phone calls, messages, people etc.
What are we so afraid of
Why can't we bear ourselves that we need to fill our Silences.
As we step out of the car we look for our earphones
As we wake up we look for our phones.
Before we go to sleep we look at our phones.
Why are we afraid of silence
Are we afraid we may hear something we might not like.
Why those endless phone calls without any substance
Why those million text messages the take out of which nothing
Why do we run away from our selves and hide among strangers
Knowing the truth and shallowness of a relation we hold onto it because we are afraid of the silence
Binge watching all those shows and movies to numb our mind
Only intoxicants are not a way to hide from ourselves
From the truth
The songs you play on loop
The friends you meet in cafes
The number you dial everytime you find yourself alone
Is that your life
Is it moving ahead
Or we are living in a loop
Falling in love with the same kind of people
Doing the same work you hate doing
Watching nonsense not knowing why you watch it
All to avoid hearing the silence
I still don't understand why
But I won't wait to be ghosted by someone
Or my broadband to disconnect
My phone to break
To hear the silence
To look within
Though scary I'll hear myself out
Though terrifying I'll try to be my friend
Though as intense as it may sound
I'll welcome the Silences
I'll talk to myself again
When you start hearing the silence
The noise makes sense
The calls, the messages, the shows
Everything makes sense
People make sense
You make sense to people
Know yourself before trying to know others.
Because as Jim said, "Who do you know even if they are sitting in front of you".
You can only know yourself truly
But that scares us then why are you interested in knowing someone else which you can never truly.
Know yourself & you know the world.
17 December, 2017
24 November, 2017
A Happy Post!!!
I don't know if I have written a happy post. But i have written quite a few grim posts. Questioning everything. Even the meaning of all of this. I understand a thing though, Life is what you make it to be. It's all in our heads. We can steer it where ever we want it to. Meaning of Life is the meaning you give it.
Or we are Truman's from the Truman show (Jim Carey). Whether we are controlled by a divine power or by some power hungry humans. We do have our corners where we could be what we want to be. There is some hope there. If you really want to accomplish something, the very act of attempting it will give you peace. Maybe peace is the wrong word. It will give you sustenance to look forward to another morning to get up and try again.
I have never seen anyone completely at peace if they are in this material world trying out things. But having a path helps. You are not so lost. No matter what happens in your life. You have a map to follow. It keeps telling you to take a right and then first left. You might put the breaks in frustration. But you start again. The voice would not stop until you start again.
I have been lost and frustrated more than I can count. But I have been crazy over the top happy too, many a times. Life is like that, I guess.
I wonder, If I didn't think about these things who would I be. If i was not always questioning What and where I would be.
I do dig tunnels and get cosy in there . Not wanting to come out. After every loss. But I can't deny the fact that I am ready for failure. I am always ready to take up a challenge and be open to failure. It was difficult at first. I fail more than I win but I remember less of the lessons from my wins. I think failure teaches you so much and makes you huge. I just had to be open to the pain. Open to navigate through it. I have learned it. It was not like this before. My growth has hastened. The point being not making the same mistake again. New mistakes are welcome. The more i fuck up. The less surprises there will be in future. For that I need to do more and more. Write more. act more. live more.
It is fun man. And thanks for reading all of this. I was surprised seeing the page count. I guess I have been writing regularly. So you have been reading regularly. A friend of mine offered to help with the grammar of my posts. I don't know. Maybe I will learn it myself. Not too late. All of my grammar is from the books I read. From my remembrance. I guess there are apps too to check the grammar. Will start writing good English soon.
Oh! Why is this a happy post? when all I talked about is serious stuff. Guess this is my happiness. This makes me happy. So in all of this thinking and questioning. During a conversation with a friend. I had an Epiphany about me as a person and as an artist. It made me so happy and clear. I was suddenly free.
Free from all of my concerns. Just one idea. One thought Made me free.
So, when anyone asks me or tells me, hey Man, you think a lot?
I gotta say, what's the harm in that?
Or we are Truman's from the Truman show (Jim Carey). Whether we are controlled by a divine power or by some power hungry humans. We do have our corners where we could be what we want to be. There is some hope there. If you really want to accomplish something, the very act of attempting it will give you peace. Maybe peace is the wrong word. It will give you sustenance to look forward to another morning to get up and try again.
I have never seen anyone completely at peace if they are in this material world trying out things. But having a path helps. You are not so lost. No matter what happens in your life. You have a map to follow. It keeps telling you to take a right and then first left. You might put the breaks in frustration. But you start again. The voice would not stop until you start again.
I have been lost and frustrated more than I can count. But I have been crazy over the top happy too, many a times. Life is like that, I guess.
I wonder, If I didn't think about these things who would I be. If i was not always questioning What and where I would be.
I do dig tunnels and get cosy in there . Not wanting to come out. After every loss. But I can't deny the fact that I am ready for failure. I am always ready to take up a challenge and be open to failure. It was difficult at first. I fail more than I win but I remember less of the lessons from my wins. I think failure teaches you so much and makes you huge. I just had to be open to the pain. Open to navigate through it. I have learned it. It was not like this before. My growth has hastened. The point being not making the same mistake again. New mistakes are welcome. The more i fuck up. The less surprises there will be in future. For that I need to do more and more. Write more. act more. live more.
It is fun man. And thanks for reading all of this. I was surprised seeing the page count. I guess I have been writing regularly. So you have been reading regularly. A friend of mine offered to help with the grammar of my posts. I don't know. Maybe I will learn it myself. Not too late. All of my grammar is from the books I read. From my remembrance. I guess there are apps too to check the grammar. Will start writing good English soon.
Oh! Why is this a happy post? when all I talked about is serious stuff. Guess this is my happiness. This makes me happy. So in all of this thinking and questioning. During a conversation with a friend. I had an Epiphany about me as a person and as an artist. It made me so happy and clear. I was suddenly free.
Free from all of my concerns. Just one idea. One thought Made me free.
So, when anyone asks me or tells me, hey Man, you think a lot?
I gotta say, what's the harm in that?
18 November, 2017
CRACKS.
Cracks.
Cracks are not mendable.
once broken a glass cannot regain it's structure
once broken a stone cannot regain it's shape.
Well well well
that is good for glasses and stones
Dont use this Simile for Human relationship
We can be broken
We can get cracked
but we can restructure reshape ourselves.
We are not substance we are in the horizon of energy.
Our friendships and relationships may gain from a crack.
If two want it to work
Crack may reshape itself into something better.
Once broken it could take a new better shape
Only when both of you want it.
Nothing is unmendable.
Nothing is left broken
Everything can find a new lease of life.
Only when you want it.
Only when you need it.
If you believe it is broken
Shape it up again.
Using the material that caused the crack.
Make it into something more beautiful.
Believe life can be mended.
You will not remain broken always.
It is only your outlook that decides it for you.
So what do you decide?
Is your friendship worth mending?
Is your love worth reshaping?
Is your family important to you?
For what is important.
You will find a way
To get rid of anger, guilt and shame.
To be rid of hate, agony and ego.
You will find a way.
The question here is:
Do you want to?
Cracks are not mendable.
once broken a glass cannot regain it's structure
once broken a stone cannot regain it's shape.
Well well well
that is good for glasses and stones
Dont use this Simile for Human relationship
We can be broken
We can get cracked
but we can restructure reshape ourselves.
We are not substance we are in the horizon of energy.
Our friendships and relationships may gain from a crack.
If two want it to work
Crack may reshape itself into something better.
Once broken it could take a new better shape
Only when both of you want it.
Nothing is unmendable.
Nothing is left broken
Everything can find a new lease of life.
Only when you want it.
Only when you need it.
If you believe it is broken
Shape it up again.
Using the material that caused the crack.
Make it into something more beautiful.
Believe life can be mended.
You will not remain broken always.
It is only your outlook that decides it for you.
So what do you decide?
Is your friendship worth mending?
Is your love worth reshaping?
Is your family important to you?
For what is important.
You will find a way
To get rid of anger, guilt and shame.
To be rid of hate, agony and ego.
You will find a way.
The question here is:
Do you want to?
16 November, 2017
Love & It's Million Interpretations.
Everyone has a different understanding of love. For each of us. It means something else. For me too It has been like that. I was always wary of declaring love. Comparing people rating them as to who I loved more. The questions like, Who do you love the most? are nightmares for every child. Specially when asked in the presence of subjects. I always avoided answering these questions or did I not. I have always been known to be brutal and straight forward. Love starts with the family and then comes love for an idea and then romantic love, which in turn gives you the chance to start the loop all over again for some one else.
I consider myself a skeptic in matters of love. From my early days, I was in love with acting. performing. the obsession to be a actor of some understanding. Someone who could create magic. But I tested myself. Did I really love or was it just another fascination. Again, the meaning is not quite clear. And what If I loved acting, Did Acting love me back? I didn't want to be an obsessed ass hole not getting the love back. slowly I realized , It was Mutual. I loved her and She me. It started becoming apparent when people would compliment me for my passion for this art. We were meant to be together. And I accepted this love between us or whatever it was. For me It is love of a life time. I was also scared what if I would not love acting after i point of time. What would happen then? I would become so lost in this vast world. Nothing to do, no where to go. But it was true I guess. I didn't have to put any extra effort. I didn't have to ask or beg for this love. I didn't have to show my earnestness. It was easy. Everything just fell in place. People started coming in my life who nurtured my talent. Seeing the passion. This one thing started defining me as it happens with all kinds of love. today, all of my existence revolves around it.
Everyone in my life has to bear this love of mine. hear romance stories that I keep telling them. What option do they have. If they want to be around me or spend time with me. I am only concerned with this.
But it has not been an easy relationship. there has been a lot of fight and drama. Where I have taken a step back. Started doing things I thought I deserved. Not this . I felt maybe acting is not meant for me. Everyone told me It was impractical thinking I could be an actor. But no one told me a small fire could burn the whole jungle. If I kept at it. I would be burning ablaze with this art and no one could see me as anything else. I and the art would become synonyms. The same people changed their views and vouch for my love. It doesn't matter. It didn't matter when it was Nay, It shouldn't matter when it is Yay. People say what they see at the moment, or what is the truth of their life. It means nothing to you . It should mean nothing to you. Because it is not a reflection of who you are but who they are.
I am not sad that I took a lot of time to accept my purpose in life. The passion never left me but I always questioned myself. Now, there is no doubt. Our relationship is so strong that I don't need to ask anyone if was any good. I know it in my heart what Happened. the truth is there for me to see. I can sense it. If I did what I meant to, no one saying otherwise can dishearten me. I know, I did what I wanted according to my understanding, maybe I need to work on my understanding. Or if someone praises me and in my heart I know I couldn't go the extra mile. They can't make me feel good. My relationship with my art is very personal and intimate. I don't need anyone else to tell me about my relationship. We don't need a counselor.
I'm glad for this part of my life. Of all the hurt and tears that go on because of our life dealings with other humans. My sleep has always been deep. My mornings always bright.
We all need to be in the company of humans. But knowing they don't hold absolute power over you is liberating. No one is more important than you. Everyone has their own dreams, ambitions and idiosyncrasy. Their behavior should never be the reflection of you. It is just their reflection and insecurities projected on you. Most of the time, people are talking to themselves. Asking questions and answering them. Most people are talking to a mirror. You are not there. So, don't let it affect you. In our relationship with fellow humans there is always a middle ground to be reached. But for all the middle ground you need to reach. Keep your self respect at the top of the ladder. Love has to be based on equality. A person who doesn't respect you now. Will not respect you in the future. A person who treats someone else ill will not treat you well. I see people being obsessed in romantic love. It hurts me to see them begging each other to be a part of their lives. Do you think your obsession is love. It can never be. The obsession will be over once you have acquired it. It is because you don't have it that you cry. Once you have it reality will hit you. But who thinks so much. At the end of the day, crying on your pillows, all you can say is, I want what I want. That's crap in plain terms. People who don't love themselves can never love others. The answer to our peace is not outside but inside. Try understand your idiosyncrasies more. the more you understand yourself. the more you can understand others.
My understanding has given me so many beautiful friends, lovers. But I always believe, in love both of you have to take a step. One step at a time.
Longing, begging will give you nothing. It is better to stay away from that person who treats you that way.
I find it hard to mention, I have seen many friends drowned in obsessive love, can't say I didn't deal with it too. I have, it was a lesson worth having. A understanding worth imbibing. It doesn't matter. Your obsessions will not help you. I have seen people hospitalized. A guy drowns himself to death in these obsessions. While a girl is treated like an object losing any kind of respect and love she had for herself. Take charge. Take charge.
Do you call this love? Love is like a light house which shows you the way in stormy night. Not something that drowns you. Love has to be between two things. It can never exist in only one object. That is not love only madness.
I am sure if I didn't feel loved by my art. I would have chosen a different path. I am a hundred percent sure. There is this poem by Gulzar on love. I just love it. Sharing it. If you had time to read my post you could listen to it too. It is more profound than my thoughts.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Pak7A0165g
I consider myself a skeptic in matters of love. From my early days, I was in love with acting. performing. the obsession to be a actor of some understanding. Someone who could create magic. But I tested myself. Did I really love or was it just another fascination. Again, the meaning is not quite clear. And what If I loved acting, Did Acting love me back? I didn't want to be an obsessed ass hole not getting the love back. slowly I realized , It was Mutual. I loved her and She me. It started becoming apparent when people would compliment me for my passion for this art. We were meant to be together. And I accepted this love between us or whatever it was. For me It is love of a life time. I was also scared what if I would not love acting after i point of time. What would happen then? I would become so lost in this vast world. Nothing to do, no where to go. But it was true I guess. I didn't have to put any extra effort. I didn't have to ask or beg for this love. I didn't have to show my earnestness. It was easy. Everything just fell in place. People started coming in my life who nurtured my talent. Seeing the passion. This one thing started defining me as it happens with all kinds of love. today, all of my existence revolves around it.
Everyone in my life has to bear this love of mine. hear romance stories that I keep telling them. What option do they have. If they want to be around me or spend time with me. I am only concerned with this.
But it has not been an easy relationship. there has been a lot of fight and drama. Where I have taken a step back. Started doing things I thought I deserved. Not this . I felt maybe acting is not meant for me. Everyone told me It was impractical thinking I could be an actor. But no one told me a small fire could burn the whole jungle. If I kept at it. I would be burning ablaze with this art and no one could see me as anything else. I and the art would become synonyms. The same people changed their views and vouch for my love. It doesn't matter. It didn't matter when it was Nay, It shouldn't matter when it is Yay. People say what they see at the moment, or what is the truth of their life. It means nothing to you . It should mean nothing to you. Because it is not a reflection of who you are but who they are.
I am not sad that I took a lot of time to accept my purpose in life. The passion never left me but I always questioned myself. Now, there is no doubt. Our relationship is so strong that I don't need to ask anyone if was any good. I know it in my heart what Happened. the truth is there for me to see. I can sense it. If I did what I meant to, no one saying otherwise can dishearten me. I know, I did what I wanted according to my understanding, maybe I need to work on my understanding. Or if someone praises me and in my heart I know I couldn't go the extra mile. They can't make me feel good. My relationship with my art is very personal and intimate. I don't need anyone else to tell me about my relationship. We don't need a counselor.
I'm glad for this part of my life. Of all the hurt and tears that go on because of our life dealings with other humans. My sleep has always been deep. My mornings always bright.
We all need to be in the company of humans. But knowing they don't hold absolute power over you is liberating. No one is more important than you. Everyone has their own dreams, ambitions and idiosyncrasy. Their behavior should never be the reflection of you. It is just their reflection and insecurities projected on you. Most of the time, people are talking to themselves. Asking questions and answering them. Most people are talking to a mirror. You are not there. So, don't let it affect you. In our relationship with fellow humans there is always a middle ground to be reached. But for all the middle ground you need to reach. Keep your self respect at the top of the ladder. Love has to be based on equality. A person who doesn't respect you now. Will not respect you in the future. A person who treats someone else ill will not treat you well. I see people being obsessed in romantic love. It hurts me to see them begging each other to be a part of their lives. Do you think your obsession is love. It can never be. The obsession will be over once you have acquired it. It is because you don't have it that you cry. Once you have it reality will hit you. But who thinks so much. At the end of the day, crying on your pillows, all you can say is, I want what I want. That's crap in plain terms. People who don't love themselves can never love others. The answer to our peace is not outside but inside. Try understand your idiosyncrasies more. the more you understand yourself. the more you can understand others.
My understanding has given me so many beautiful friends, lovers. But I always believe, in love both of you have to take a step. One step at a time.
Longing, begging will give you nothing. It is better to stay away from that person who treats you that way.
I find it hard to mention, I have seen many friends drowned in obsessive love, can't say I didn't deal with it too. I have, it was a lesson worth having. A understanding worth imbibing. It doesn't matter. Your obsessions will not help you. I have seen people hospitalized. A guy drowns himself to death in these obsessions. While a girl is treated like an object losing any kind of respect and love she had for herself. Take charge. Take charge.
Do you call this love? Love is like a light house which shows you the way in stormy night. Not something that drowns you. Love has to be between two things. It can never exist in only one object. That is not love only madness.
I am sure if I didn't feel loved by my art. I would have chosen a different path. I am a hundred percent sure. There is this poem by Gulzar on love. I just love it. Sharing it. If you had time to read my post you could listen to it too. It is more profound than my thoughts.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Pak7A0165g
13 November, 2017
Phantom Life
We find ways to torture ourselves. We find illusion in the mundane. We believe in things that don't exist. We look away from the truth. We want to worship false gods rather than relying on ourselves. We don't want to see the real problem. So we create fake problems and keep solving them in loop. The real issue staying as it is.
We find ways to hurt ourselves. We know there are things that are beyond our control. We can't stop ourselves from attempting to gain control over something which is beyond us. We build a world in our heads and chase it. We look for that Phantom world. What we chase is not there. What we are looking for is only in our heads. We are never ready to see the truth.
What if we were dedicated to the truth. It would hurt and torture us some more. But won't there be a chance to solve something that is there. We pray to things that don't exist, we love people who are a product of our imagination, we want to do things beyond our reach. What if we were dedicated to truth. It would be some Experience of life. What if we didn't live in our heads but in the real world. What if we saw everything for what they are. What if we could love the misgivings of life. What if we accepted this is what life is. What if we all came out of our heads and started communicating to each other in true sense.
What if we dedicated our life's to serve truth.
What would happen then?
Will we still feel tortured, hurt, betrayed, lost.
What can truth give us that illusions can't.
Will sticking to the honest happenings and not my interpretation and imaginary ideas save me.
Will I be saved?
What will become of me if i changed course and only believed in truth.
As an actor, I imagine things. Believe them to be facts and that makes me a believeble actor. Why do I do the same in life. Why ?
Sometimes, I feel it is truth that can save me. But everything is so bungled up. There is no difference between the projection and the object.
I might be part of a film that has been written by my incapable imaginary mind.
But who the fuck is directing it?
We find ways to hurt ourselves. We know there are things that are beyond our control. We can't stop ourselves from attempting to gain control over something which is beyond us. We build a world in our heads and chase it. We look for that Phantom world. What we chase is not there. What we are looking for is only in our heads. We are never ready to see the truth.
What if we were dedicated to the truth. It would hurt and torture us some more. But won't there be a chance to solve something that is there. We pray to things that don't exist, we love people who are a product of our imagination, we want to do things beyond our reach. What if we were dedicated to truth. It would be some Experience of life. What if we didn't live in our heads but in the real world. What if we saw everything for what they are. What if we could love the misgivings of life. What if we accepted this is what life is. What if we all came out of our heads and started communicating to each other in true sense.
What if we dedicated our life's to serve truth.
What would happen then?
Will we still feel tortured, hurt, betrayed, lost.
What can truth give us that illusions can't.
Will sticking to the honest happenings and not my interpretation and imaginary ideas save me.
Will I be saved?
What will become of me if i changed course and only believed in truth.
As an actor, I imagine things. Believe them to be facts and that makes me a believeble actor. Why do I do the same in life. Why ?
Sometimes, I feel it is truth that can save me. But everything is so bungled up. There is no difference between the projection and the object.
I might be part of a film that has been written by my incapable imaginary mind.
But who the fuck is directing it?
22 October, 2017
Poem of Desperation!!!
So much cry comes out of our hearts..
So much pain drips from our brains..
So much anxiety moves in our veins..
So much stress filled in our arteries.
With all this in our body..
We keep walking, talking, loving, laughing with others..
We all are the same in a sense..
We all are full of hurt in a sense..
How amazing it would be, if we could erase our pains..
But that's not how it is..
We all are build up to be desperate, needy,
For love, for affection, for attention.
Why Why Why???
Why so much desperation.
Why not assurance
Why not peace
Why not love
Why our being is so complex ??
Why are we so complex??
Why can't it be relaxed..
Why we need to be right.
Why do we need approval for being who we are..
Oh Dear!!! The pain's so much in everyone's eyes..
It just just twists my heart in knots when i see them..
Why is not there a single person without desires.
Why is everyone so hungry?
What do we gain from all this?
What is the meaning of all the suffering..
People strive not to react..
They meditate, they do all sorts of stuff
Some read stars some smoke grass..
What for ???
To ease the pain..
Some drink themselves to numbness..
They don't want to feel..
I have tried so much and so many methods for a calm mind..
For a heart, which distinguishes amongst no one..
I have fought so much with myself..
I have climbed such tall stairs.
I slip again and again..
I fail again and again..
People get the illusion of something nice and lovely..
But it's the same mud they see in them or elsewhere,,
I guess I have only managed to polish the exterior..
When will the shine enter my heart.. my veins.. my nerves..
When will I be above the mundane..
What is my path??
What path do I take??
So many questions.. through so much pain.. through so much loss.
Oh God!!! What is this place?
Where you dropped us into..
Full of so much hate..
Full of so much arrogance
Full of so much abuse..
Why have you made the vile things easier to imbibe..
Why ???
What game are you playing???
Everyday, Every hour, Every moment people debase themselves for selfish reasons..
What is the meaning of all this???
Why do we have to go through this?
Look for the positive you say, believe in love you say, believe in togetherness you say..
But the people who say they love you, are the ones doing the devil's work.
All we see is people working for themselves..
Why...
Why didn't you add care among the default settings?
Like a mother cares for her kids..
Why didn't you make us care for each other.
Why is being good a task?
So many questions... So many questions..
and no answers..
It is a war you say.. fight for the right side you say..
How do I know ???
Which side to fight for???
I can't even know myself ?
How would i know their hearts?
How would I know Which general to follow?
How Can I know ??? How will I know??
I can't I can't..
I'll keep writing poems of desperation..
Someday you give me an answer..
Till then I'll cry I'll cry..
And put my weapons down and wait for you to arrive..
Give me a lecture again.. like you did to Arjun..
It is no fun reading.. It makes no sense to me.. What you said to him..
Come be my Krishna.. I'll be in inertia till then..
I won't move an inch.. I won't support any one till you show me their hearts..
Make me see the truth.. or I resist to be a part of this Illusion you call life.
Time out god time out. I am not playing a rigged game anymore.
Time out!!!
-SA
So much pain drips from our brains..
So much anxiety moves in our veins..
So much stress filled in our arteries.
With all this in our body..
We keep walking, talking, loving, laughing with others..
We all are the same in a sense..
We all are full of hurt in a sense..
How amazing it would be, if we could erase our pains..
But that's not how it is..
We all are build up to be desperate, needy,
For love, for affection, for attention.
Why Why Why???
Why so much desperation.
Why not assurance
Why not peace
Why not love
Why our being is so complex ??
Why are we so complex??
Why can't it be relaxed..
Why we need to be right.
Why do we need approval for being who we are..
Oh Dear!!! The pain's so much in everyone's eyes..
It just just twists my heart in knots when i see them..
Why is not there a single person without desires.
Why is everyone so hungry?
What do we gain from all this?
What is the meaning of all the suffering..
People strive not to react..
They meditate, they do all sorts of stuff
Some read stars some smoke grass..
What for ???
To ease the pain..
Some drink themselves to numbness..
They don't want to feel..
I have tried so much and so many methods for a calm mind..
For a heart, which distinguishes amongst no one..
I have fought so much with myself..
I have climbed such tall stairs.
I slip again and again..
I fail again and again..
People get the illusion of something nice and lovely..
But it's the same mud they see in them or elsewhere,,
I guess I have only managed to polish the exterior..
When will the shine enter my heart.. my veins.. my nerves..
When will I be above the mundane..
What is my path??
What path do I take??
So many questions.. through so much pain.. through so much loss.
Oh God!!! What is this place?
Where you dropped us into..
Full of so much hate..
Full of so much arrogance
Full of so much abuse..
Why have you made the vile things easier to imbibe..
Why ???
What game are you playing???
Everyday, Every hour, Every moment people debase themselves for selfish reasons..
What is the meaning of all this???
Why do we have to go through this?
Look for the positive you say, believe in love you say, believe in togetherness you say..
But the people who say they love you, are the ones doing the devil's work.
All we see is people working for themselves..
Why...
Why didn't you add care among the default settings?
Like a mother cares for her kids..
Why didn't you make us care for each other.
Why is being good a task?
So many questions... So many questions..
and no answers..
It is a war you say.. fight for the right side you say..
How do I know ???
Which side to fight for???
I can't even know myself ?
How would i know their hearts?
How would I know Which general to follow?
How Can I know ??? How will I know??
I can't I can't..
I'll keep writing poems of desperation..
Someday you give me an answer..
Till then I'll cry I'll cry..
And put my weapons down and wait for you to arrive..
Give me a lecture again.. like you did to Arjun..
It is no fun reading.. It makes no sense to me.. What you said to him..
Come be my Krishna.. I'll be in inertia till then..
I won't move an inch.. I won't support any one till you show me their hearts..
Make me see the truth.. or I resist to be a part of this Illusion you call life.
Time out god time out. I am not playing a rigged game anymore.
Time out!!!
-SA
01 October, 2017
"The Choice"
Standing at the crossroads of making a choice. A choice between comfort and security or fighting the war for your dream. A crossroad where you choose Sucess or uncertainty. What the heart wants is always so complicated but it won't leave you till you look for it. Work for it. Fight for it. The choice is simple but still, we are fearful to choose it.
What if we go look for it and it is not there. What if we go do it and realize we are incapable. We keep doing things where we are certainly incapable but won't do something we could easily excel at because it looks like a long shot. Not happening. Crazy . etc. etc.
So we keep doing safe things. Safe for you maybe. But if your heart is not in your work how do you think will it turn out to be. For the people, you are doing it for.
The choice is simple always follow your passion. As I read recently in 'My Gita' by Devdutt Pattanaik. A Warrior cannot be turned into a poet or a poet into a warrior. We should respect the guna inherent in us. Gita doesn't talk about conversion but only the realization of potential.
What is our Potential? That is the question to answer. That is the question that we need to ask ourselves.
What is our inherent guna that needs to come out? What are you? Are you a mango tree or an apple tree? What can you bear? It is not about ambition or desire. It is simply the realization of potential.
But since we are terrified of heartbreak, and so we refuse to fall in love, we are terrified of failing, and so we avoid struggles. We are terrified of the outcome and so we refuse to take any action.
We always like to take the safe route. The road that can be seen. The road that looks clear miles ahead. A road that your heart wants to take is so dense with fog that you can't see even 5 feet ahead. So you get scared and change your track. What if the fog is just at the start? You will never know If you don't try that route? What else is there to figure out? Nothing.
Take the route your inherent guna wants you to take? What are you inside A trader or a worker, A king or a servant? a Poet or a warrior?
#References from My Gita- Devdutt Pattanaik. (the text in italics are as written in the book.)
What if we go look for it and it is not there. What if we go do it and realize we are incapable. We keep doing things where we are certainly incapable but won't do something we could easily excel at because it looks like a long shot. Not happening. Crazy . etc. etc.
So we keep doing safe things. Safe for you maybe. But if your heart is not in your work how do you think will it turn out to be. For the people, you are doing it for.
The choice is simple always follow your passion. As I read recently in 'My Gita' by Devdutt Pattanaik. A Warrior cannot be turned into a poet or a poet into a warrior. We should respect the guna inherent in us. Gita doesn't talk about conversion but only the realization of potential.
What is our Potential? That is the question to answer. That is the question that we need to ask ourselves.
What is our inherent guna that needs to come out? What are you? Are you a mango tree or an apple tree? What can you bear? It is not about ambition or desire. It is simply the realization of potential.
But since we are terrified of heartbreak, and so we refuse to fall in love, we are terrified of failing, and so we avoid struggles. We are terrified of the outcome and so we refuse to take any action.
We always like to take the safe route. The road that can be seen. The road that looks clear miles ahead. A road that your heart wants to take is so dense with fog that you can't see even 5 feet ahead. So you get scared and change your track. What if the fog is just at the start? You will never know If you don't try that route? What else is there to figure out? Nothing.
Take the route your inherent guna wants you to take? What are you inside A trader or a worker, A king or a servant? a Poet or a warrior?
#References from My Gita- Devdutt Pattanaik. (the text in italics are as written in the book.)
01 September, 2017
"It is not enough to want" - Kevin Spacey @ Actor's Studio.
Here we go.
Student: How can we.. Help us appreciate this early experience.. these lean years.. these very difficult years.. leading up to the ultimate prize.
Kevin Spacey: There is no prize... Out there..(pointing outwards) the only prize is this one (pointing inwards) and what you feel.. and what you wanna accomplish. And If you can as you start out.. these.. what could be lean years.. what could be fat years.. aammm.. I.. I feel that.. I.. I very often watch a lot of young people sort of meander around.. without any idea about.. why they are doing what they are doing.. I mean to 'want' and to be ambitious and to want to be successful. IS NOT ENOUGH.. That's just desire.
To know what you want, to understand why you are doing it.. To dedicate every breath in your body.. to achieve... If you feel you have something to give. If you feel that your particular talent is worth developing, is worth caring for... Then there is nothing you can't achieve. You are gonna grow up with your colleagues.. you are gonna watch them have success.. and you are gonna watch them have failure.. and you are gonna watch how they deal with it. and they can be as much a teacher for you as anybody here.. aaamm or anybody who is privileged enough to come here and speak to you.
the video link : https://www.facebook.com/inthemomentseries/videos/943251232448159/?hc_ref=ARRLietkPXRdzwwkSsMbC3u9VGcwK2c2VzaWS4yxWDhtCbQ1IzkuuBSmndx80mjTZi0&pnref=story
29 August, 2017
Surviving On Water for 3 days.
Day 1.
Suddenly, I get a feeling that my will is getting weaker and I am being swayed by things, while other people are not. I want to be strong mentally strong. As I read in my childhood that 'WILL' should be the last to fall. It was by Swami Vivekananda, someone I really look up to.
It is not that I am not motivated these days, yes I am but I want to test this. I have lived without food for a day but 3 days on the water. I have never done that. As I think this, As I write this, something tells me no... don't do this you can't. But something stronger inside me says, You can.
Also, I need a shake up. From the time I got back into acting full-time life has been amazing. It is not that problems are not there. They are, but it is easier because I love what I do... I am a very clear person If I don't enjoy or love what I do I am miserable. Or I find a reason to love that work. I usually do. And then I am completely engrossed.
I don't have a blanket of religion to cover myself. It is for my will. This exercise is to make my will stronger, fiercer, braver, bold, daring, fearless etc. Something in me tells me I might regret this. But this is the beauty of our human soul. There is darkness as well as the light inside us. We are exactly like the universe. Where ever we take our believe it goes there. As Gandhi ji once said, If you believe You can or You believe you can't. Both ways you are right..
It's been 18 hours since I have eaten.
Last meal was yesterday night 26/8/2017 at 10 pm and right now it is 4 pm. Yes, I do feel hungry, very hungry but my stomach will have to make do without it. Since this thought of 3 days came to me in the morning. I had already drunk two black coffees by then. That's fine I guess. So I wait for 29th 10 pm.
Looks like I will be drinking a lot of water and taking a lot of pee breaks that's fine.. that's fine.
One thing, I am not changing my schedule. I'll keep working and not tell a soul about this. I have to play cool for 3 days. Let's see man how these 72 hours go. It is making me excited as well as nervous.
I am sure I will gain a lot of perspective and strength after this whole exercise.
I will keep updating this and post on the 3rd day as I end my fast with a soup that I will make. Cheers Man!!! See you on the other side.
8pm. 22 hours after last meal.
I am at my friends house sitting watching Badminton World Championship final.. I hope Sindhu wins this but all I can concentrate is on my tummy and what it is trying to say. I have started feeling a headache. I try and focus on my Breathing to ease out and distract myself. Not telling anyone was a great decision. I told my friend that I am experimenting with not eating anything after sunset. I din't want to tell him or we start crying and hope for sympathy.. oh look how difficult it is for me to not eat and what a great experiment I am doing.. Shuuuuut Upppp. Well, I 'll check in again after some time. He was talking to his cook and told her to make four parathas and I heard was make tea with out sugar. I told him she might make it for me too.. aaaa huh!!! Dumb me. Anyways.. ta ta for a while.. looks like this post is going to be long.
9:55pm. 24 hours Since last meal.
Headache. Feeling a little drowsy. And since I can disassociate once I tell myself. So my room mate cooking his delicious egg curry is not bothering. Even when at my friend's house he was having dinner I couldn't care less. I was drinking my water.
You know this pain has the feeling of love a sweet pain. A pain that a good natured person feels when his love is not returned. I'm not talking about obsessive one.
Damn! What have I gotten myself into. Tomorrow will be easier. the most difficult part is going to be the last few hours. See ya tomorrow morning.
Day 2. 8am. 34 hours since last meal.
I usually sleep for 5-6 hours but yesterday night I slept at 12:30 and though I got up at 5:30 the uneasiness made me sleep some more. I dragged my sleep just lying there going into sleep and then waking up. It was on and of with crazy dreams. Primal dreams I didn't have for a long time. Huhhh!! Even Gandhi had it so it's fine.
After I woke up, I sat in front of the computer with a glass of warm water. I hope warm water soothes. Yesterday night when I was talking to a friend over mobile I was feeling dizzy and had no clue as to what my experience of the day was clearly when I was talking to her. It felt like being drunk but in a better way. I felt really light like I was floating. Maybe I can side the pain because of my vipassana experience. Where you are asked to look at your emotions without Judgement just as an audience not engaging with it and feeling it to the core and telling yourself it is not permanent. It will not go on for eternity. Yes, It must be helping me. though I don't practice regularly but I have stayed in touch.
4:30pm. 42 &1/2 hours since last meal.
The head ache is constant and the feeling in the stomach the twitch is constant. I keep drinking water to feel okay. I was reading these blog posts where people had done these fasts for 3 days - 5days useful stuff. One thing I could relate to is that when I am working there is energy in the body while I am just sitting or back home I feel drowsy. As I was coming back home just now I was standing by the lift believing I had pressed the button. Things happen but I'm on auto pilot it seems like. I might just take a small nap as the head ache is quite hammering. I have rehearsals for the English play at 6pm.
Let me talk to you about what happened during the day. So the Hindi play rehearsal happens in the cafe near my home. So I go there and it is the Subham's birthday (cafe partner and chef). He gets the cake for all of us. I can't say I 'm fasting for 3 days so the guy there says you have a fast today I was like Ya.. Why don't you keep the cake in the fridge I will have it tomorrow. Tomorrow I will make another excuse. But the cake was sitting there in front of me as Nancy didn't eat her's. But it didn't bother me much. I was making sure no body came to know but Nancy said you look sleepy, Why? I was like am I? Oh!!! It is helping others not knowing. I guess sympathy makes us weak. I don't know. I don't want to make statements. Just writing what I feel.
The smell of food is all over. Since yesterday I am smelling samosas. I guess I will make a list of the food items I am tempted for and eat it starting tomorrow night over a course of few days. I went to meet a friend after the rehearsal in his office. They were eating gujias. Oh! Damn.. one of my favorite things. Then a ladoo was offered to me from Lal baugh cha raja.. I kept it in my bag saying I'll eat it later. Then came the turn of tea. I said I don't want tea.
The best part about this fast is doing things as they are meant to be not wasting any time. I am saving a lot of time from coffee breaks snack break, lunch, dinner. I can handle this but if you ask if I will try this again.. No idea. One thing that needs to be taken care of is the stink that comes from your mouth when you are not eating anything. I try and rinse with water time and again. I am careful but still when you are acting I don't know how careful you can be. I am planning a movie with a friend. Bad idea. But I won't change anything because of the 3 day fast. Anyways tomorrow night when I publish this I am free to tell them.. 'Hey, that stink that you felt was because I was not eating' A friend is very sensitive to smells. Let's see if she figures out. The point of the exercise is also majorly being happy when nothing is going right. Not brooding. I have kept my enthusiasm despite everything. I will also carry a small mouth wash. Problem solved.
5:50pm. Almost 44 hours.
The nap was a bad idea. as I lied down on the bed I felt i was shivering. Even in the cafe I was feeling colder. The temperature must be 27 but I am feeling cold. As I was taking a nap I woke up after 15 minutes feeling it's been an hour or so. and the pain was crazy. The time is moving slow. Time to put a brave face again off for rehearsal and I play an eccentric person full of energy. Oh God!!! Though someone who met me after a long time and had no idea about my weight loss that I did over a month said I am looking weak. I guess the weak must be the fatigue.
9:52pm. 48 hours since the last meal.
I am sitting in a cafe. A friend called and wanted to meet just as I finished rehearsal. I am working on a different scene with him that I had written. I ll talk about the rehearsal. Just as i reached Richard's place his guest from Chennai was making Chicken curry. The whole time that smell was all over.. ahhh!!!!! Anyways good to know I can love food. Maybe I'll enjoy eating from now on.
I am reading a character who has not eaten for few days. What an Irony!!! My friend doesn't realize it's been 48 hrs since I have eaten. I am challenging my self quite a bit sitting around people eating and drinking.
11pm 49 hours since last meal.
Oh damn! So annoying this feeling that I can just go in the kitchen and eat. Self imposed fast is tougher I guess, rather than when you have to do it. An option is always a painful situation to be in.
The pain is like a constant companion. It's fine. It escalates at times. The headache keeps variating. At times water soothes it. I am drinking a lot of water.
I am finding reading difficult. Sitting alone reading a book. Working, chatting is fine. When I'm alone I remember or else I am distracted by someone else.
I will try and chat with my friend. If my friend is in mood to or free i.e.
12pm. 50 hours since last meal.
I tried to read. Was very difficult could not focus. Then I thought about watching something. Started watching a Pakistani show on Netflix but few minutes in every body started eating. Huh!!! I guess I ll switch off my mobile and sleep. Chao chao..
Day 3. 8:30am. 58.5 hours since the last meal.
I slept at 12.05am I guess and then I got up at 6am first as usual but forced myself to sleep. My body needed that extra sleep. Feeling very good and energetic actually. No headache or pain in the stomach. a very faint feeling is there. I guess my body has started burning bad cells and fat. I have lost one and a half kgs. I will regain it as I start eating I am sure. Let's see how much exactly I lose. I need to think what I will eat at 10 pm today. It is just 14 hours from now. Today is going to be easy I guess. While I was reading a blog post that guy talked about drinking turmeric - ginger tea a few hours before eating to get the digestion going. Maybe I will have to go easy on the dinner today but tomorrow is going to be binging day. Eating whatever I wish.
One thing I miss is the workouts. In this last month, I fell in love with it. But I need to watch it too I lost a bit more weight than I should. This is my problem, once I get into something I don't know when to stop. My idea of passion is like that of a hopeless romantic. Once in, there is nothing else.
Like this silly challenge that I am doing.
11:20am, 61.5 hours since last meal.
I am the cafe ready to start rehearsing. I am feeling miserable and weak. But I checked my self. If I let myself brood on the situation I get miserable while If I sit down and work. I forget all about it. Also, my body provides energy as and when needed. I do see at times my focus has increased, the mind has gone calmer. I am not thinking about unnecessary stuff. Don't have the energy for bull shit. Will try and remember the lines as much as I can before Sam comes. He should reach by 12.
The guy who works in the cafe said that I look distraught. Time to pump it up. No one else should see this. Time to charge myself. Time to burn a few more fat cells. Body, common give me some energy. (Funny).
12pm. 62 hours. 10 hours to go.
I am feeling really cold. It feels like the winter. I should have gotten the jacket. Actually, It is close to shivery. No headache, No pain in the tummy. Just a funny feeling. I guess the digestion process has stopped. The body is not expecting anything.
3pm. 65 hours. 7 hours to go.
Just came back from the rehearsal. As I was coming up My mind was speculating what to do? What to read? I put my foot down that Either you go sleep or watch something. I am not doing any work. As anyways I will have to go for rehearsal around 6pm. Now, I realize the importance of taking breaks and chilling. Anyways my friends keep saying that I can do nothing other than work. I don't have normal topics to chit chat about. All I talk about is acting this and acting that. I guess It makes me a very good actor but a very annoying person to be around maybe. How will a girl fall in love with me, if I keep boring her with all the acting talk? I need to ease a little. Find other interests other than acting too (smile).
The headache is back. I don't know how much water will help this. The tummy is sleeping. It must be saying, "Oh Good no working for a while". When Sam came today, I asked him if I was looking tired to this he said, I was looking fresher than yesterday. I guess so. I had no difficulty in concentrating in the rehearsal, actually, I think I could focus more. Today, I was talking to Adithya another cafe partner and also chef. So I told him I want to eat something special tomorrow. Let's see what's in store. I am excited but I have no clue as to what I will eat at 10pm. Some dry fruits and then something. I said I will make soup but I guess not. My soup would be bland. I am falling in love with food. I guess If you want to find love stay away for a while. There was this friend who I used to hang out with and she was really annoyed with my lack of interest in food. I said, I eat only to live. Huh!!!! What a sad statement. Why only her!!! I irritated almost everyone by not ordering my own food. Because I had no favorite. What I understand now is that it doesn't make me cool. I recently realized it annoyed me talking to a person who had no favorites. For whom everything was fine.
I realize now that to be a good artist you have to live fully in every area of your life. Live live live.. Have fun.. face everything.. every emotion. Feeling everything is important. It is important for an artist to be sensitive rather than numb. Just a shift in thought process has changed my outlook.
6:30pm, 68.5 hours. 3.5 hours to go.
I am sitting in the cafe with a friend. I am very composed and my face is not at all saying what is going on inside. Actually, I am more excited and happy than troubled.
Suddenly after my nap my eye started hurting and I have no clue. It is still hurting.
7pm, 69 hours, 3 hours to go.
I am home waiting to drink my ginger-turmeric tea at 8 to start the digestion process. It is funny that I dreamt that I am eating pasta in my dream and it was so real, I can't tell and when I woke up, Oh! Hoo.
My plan of no one getting a hint has been successful. It was a good decision too. I am coming out strong after this exercise. Even my room mate doesn't know about this or my closest friend. I might try a five day fast sometime in the future. Will go watch some Netflix now. (Watched the 10th episode of Midnight diner: Tokyo stories. I was holding this episode for a long time. Since I loved it so much I didn't want it to end)
8pm. 70 hours. 2 hours to go.
Ginger- turmeric tea is here. Anxious. So the process started. 9:45 dry fruits and then soup. Thought wise I have nothing. I am exhausted. I might write something after a few days reflecting on the experience, my take away from it.
8:45pm 75 minutes to go.
The tea relived my tummy. The headache is fading. I guess I will eat some dry fruits around 9:30 and then go get the soup. and come back for dinner. I told my room mate.. He was tired wanted to order or something. I told him, WHY I want special dinner. He was angry. I guess. he said this is ridiculous. Anyways. He is making egg curry and rice with less masala.
Please if you are planning to do this do your own research. I am just improvising.
9:30pm. 30 minutes to go.
Ate 5 almonds & 5 Dates. Now off to the restaurant for a lovely soup.
9:51 pm. I am in the restaurant waiting for the soup 9 minutes to go. Btw, I lost 2.5 kgs.
9:57pm. 3 minutes to go.
The soup is here.
10pm. 72 hours complete.
Yipppeee. I am so happy. Relieved I guess. Whatever I am glad I did this. Tough but worth. A lot of Perspective, clarity and focus happened.
Thanks for reading. I know it is long but it was damn 72 hours without food. :-)
Suddenly, I get a feeling that my will is getting weaker and I am being swayed by things, while other people are not. I want to be strong mentally strong. As I read in my childhood that 'WILL' should be the last to fall. It was by Swami Vivekananda, someone I really look up to.
It is not that I am not motivated these days, yes I am but I want to test this. I have lived without food for a day but 3 days on the water. I have never done that. As I think this, As I write this, something tells me no... don't do this you can't. But something stronger inside me says, You can.
Also, I need a shake up. From the time I got back into acting full-time life has been amazing. It is not that problems are not there. They are, but it is easier because I love what I do... I am a very clear person If I don't enjoy or love what I do I am miserable. Or I find a reason to love that work. I usually do. And then I am completely engrossed.
I don't have a blanket of religion to cover myself. It is for my will. This exercise is to make my will stronger, fiercer, braver, bold, daring, fearless etc. Something in me tells me I might regret this. But this is the beauty of our human soul. There is darkness as well as the light inside us. We are exactly like the universe. Where ever we take our believe it goes there. As Gandhi ji once said, If you believe You can or You believe you can't. Both ways you are right..
It's been 18 hours since I have eaten.
Last meal was yesterday night 26/8/2017 at 10 pm and right now it is 4 pm. Yes, I do feel hungry, very hungry but my stomach will have to make do without it. Since this thought of 3 days came to me in the morning. I had already drunk two black coffees by then. That's fine I guess. So I wait for 29th 10 pm.
Looks like I will be drinking a lot of water and taking a lot of pee breaks that's fine.. that's fine.
One thing, I am not changing my schedule. I'll keep working and not tell a soul about this. I have to play cool for 3 days. Let's see man how these 72 hours go. It is making me excited as well as nervous.
I am sure I will gain a lot of perspective and strength after this whole exercise.
I will keep updating this and post on the 3rd day as I end my fast with a soup that I will make. Cheers Man!!! See you on the other side.
8pm. 22 hours after last meal.
I am at my friends house sitting watching Badminton World Championship final.. I hope Sindhu wins this but all I can concentrate is on my tummy and what it is trying to say. I have started feeling a headache. I try and focus on my Breathing to ease out and distract myself. Not telling anyone was a great decision. I told my friend that I am experimenting with not eating anything after sunset. I din't want to tell him or we start crying and hope for sympathy.. oh look how difficult it is for me to not eat and what a great experiment I am doing.. Shuuuuut Upppp. Well, I 'll check in again after some time. He was talking to his cook and told her to make four parathas and I heard was make tea with out sugar. I told him she might make it for me too.. aaaa huh!!! Dumb me. Anyways.. ta ta for a while.. looks like this post is going to be long.
9:55pm. 24 hours Since last meal.
Headache. Feeling a little drowsy. And since I can disassociate once I tell myself. So my room mate cooking his delicious egg curry is not bothering. Even when at my friend's house he was having dinner I couldn't care less. I was drinking my water.
You know this pain has the feeling of love a sweet pain. A pain that a good natured person feels when his love is not returned. I'm not talking about obsessive one.
Damn! What have I gotten myself into. Tomorrow will be easier. the most difficult part is going to be the last few hours. See ya tomorrow morning.
Day 2. 8am. 34 hours since last meal.
I usually sleep for 5-6 hours but yesterday night I slept at 12:30 and though I got up at 5:30 the uneasiness made me sleep some more. I dragged my sleep just lying there going into sleep and then waking up. It was on and of with crazy dreams. Primal dreams I didn't have for a long time. Huhhh!! Even Gandhi had it so it's fine.
After I woke up, I sat in front of the computer with a glass of warm water. I hope warm water soothes. Yesterday night when I was talking to a friend over mobile I was feeling dizzy and had no clue as to what my experience of the day was clearly when I was talking to her. It felt like being drunk but in a better way. I felt really light like I was floating. Maybe I can side the pain because of my vipassana experience. Where you are asked to look at your emotions without Judgement just as an audience not engaging with it and feeling it to the core and telling yourself it is not permanent. It will not go on for eternity. Yes, It must be helping me. though I don't practice regularly but I have stayed in touch.
4:30pm. 42 &1/2 hours since last meal.
The head ache is constant and the feeling in the stomach the twitch is constant. I keep drinking water to feel okay. I was reading these blog posts where people had done these fasts for 3 days - 5days useful stuff. One thing I could relate to is that when I am working there is energy in the body while I am just sitting or back home I feel drowsy. As I was coming back home just now I was standing by the lift believing I had pressed the button. Things happen but I'm on auto pilot it seems like. I might just take a small nap as the head ache is quite hammering. I have rehearsals for the English play at 6pm.
Let me talk to you about what happened during the day. So the Hindi play rehearsal happens in the cafe near my home. So I go there and it is the Subham's birthday (cafe partner and chef). He gets the cake for all of us. I can't say I 'm fasting for 3 days so the guy there says you have a fast today I was like Ya.. Why don't you keep the cake in the fridge I will have it tomorrow. Tomorrow I will make another excuse. But the cake was sitting there in front of me as Nancy didn't eat her's. But it didn't bother me much. I was making sure no body came to know but Nancy said you look sleepy, Why? I was like am I? Oh!!! It is helping others not knowing. I guess sympathy makes us weak. I don't know. I don't want to make statements. Just writing what I feel.
The smell of food is all over. Since yesterday I am smelling samosas. I guess I will make a list of the food items I am tempted for and eat it starting tomorrow night over a course of few days. I went to meet a friend after the rehearsal in his office. They were eating gujias. Oh! Damn.. one of my favorite things. Then a ladoo was offered to me from Lal baugh cha raja.. I kept it in my bag saying I'll eat it later. Then came the turn of tea. I said I don't want tea.
The best part about this fast is doing things as they are meant to be not wasting any time. I am saving a lot of time from coffee breaks snack break, lunch, dinner. I can handle this but if you ask if I will try this again.. No idea. One thing that needs to be taken care of is the stink that comes from your mouth when you are not eating anything. I try and rinse with water time and again. I am careful but still when you are acting I don't know how careful you can be. I am planning a movie with a friend. Bad idea. But I won't change anything because of the 3 day fast. Anyways tomorrow night when I publish this I am free to tell them.. 'Hey, that stink that you felt was because I was not eating' A friend is very sensitive to smells. Let's see if she figures out. The point of the exercise is also majorly being happy when nothing is going right. Not brooding. I have kept my enthusiasm despite everything. I will also carry a small mouth wash. Problem solved.
5:50pm. Almost 44 hours.
The nap was a bad idea. as I lied down on the bed I felt i was shivering. Even in the cafe I was feeling colder. The temperature must be 27 but I am feeling cold. As I was taking a nap I woke up after 15 minutes feeling it's been an hour or so. and the pain was crazy. The time is moving slow. Time to put a brave face again off for rehearsal and I play an eccentric person full of energy. Oh God!!! Though someone who met me after a long time and had no idea about my weight loss that I did over a month said I am looking weak. I guess the weak must be the fatigue.
9:52pm. 48 hours since the last meal.
I am sitting in a cafe. A friend called and wanted to meet just as I finished rehearsal. I am working on a different scene with him that I had written. I ll talk about the rehearsal. Just as i reached Richard's place his guest from Chennai was making Chicken curry. The whole time that smell was all over.. ahhh!!!!! Anyways good to know I can love food. Maybe I'll enjoy eating from now on.
I am reading a character who has not eaten for few days. What an Irony!!! My friend doesn't realize it's been 48 hrs since I have eaten. I am challenging my self quite a bit sitting around people eating and drinking.
11pm 49 hours since last meal.
Oh damn! So annoying this feeling that I can just go in the kitchen and eat. Self imposed fast is tougher I guess, rather than when you have to do it. An option is always a painful situation to be in.
The pain is like a constant companion. It's fine. It escalates at times. The headache keeps variating. At times water soothes it. I am drinking a lot of water.
I am finding reading difficult. Sitting alone reading a book. Working, chatting is fine. When I'm alone I remember or else I am distracted by someone else.
I will try and chat with my friend. If my friend is in mood to or free i.e.
12pm. 50 hours since last meal.
I tried to read. Was very difficult could not focus. Then I thought about watching something. Started watching a Pakistani show on Netflix but few minutes in every body started eating. Huh!!! I guess I ll switch off my mobile and sleep. Chao chao..
Day 3. 8:30am. 58.5 hours since the last meal.
I slept at 12.05am I guess and then I got up at 6am first as usual but forced myself to sleep. My body needed that extra sleep. Feeling very good and energetic actually. No headache or pain in the stomach. a very faint feeling is there. I guess my body has started burning bad cells and fat. I have lost one and a half kgs. I will regain it as I start eating I am sure. Let's see how much exactly I lose. I need to think what I will eat at 10 pm today. It is just 14 hours from now. Today is going to be easy I guess. While I was reading a blog post that guy talked about drinking turmeric - ginger tea a few hours before eating to get the digestion going. Maybe I will have to go easy on the dinner today but tomorrow is going to be binging day. Eating whatever I wish.
One thing I miss is the workouts. In this last month, I fell in love with it. But I need to watch it too I lost a bit more weight than I should. This is my problem, once I get into something I don't know when to stop. My idea of passion is like that of a hopeless romantic. Once in, there is nothing else.
Like this silly challenge that I am doing.
11:20am, 61.5 hours since last meal.
I am the cafe ready to start rehearsing. I am feeling miserable and weak. But I checked my self. If I let myself brood on the situation I get miserable while If I sit down and work. I forget all about it. Also, my body provides energy as and when needed. I do see at times my focus has increased, the mind has gone calmer. I am not thinking about unnecessary stuff. Don't have the energy for bull shit. Will try and remember the lines as much as I can before Sam comes. He should reach by 12.
The guy who works in the cafe said that I look distraught. Time to pump it up. No one else should see this. Time to charge myself. Time to burn a few more fat cells. Body, common give me some energy. (Funny).
12pm. 62 hours. 10 hours to go.
I am feeling really cold. It feels like the winter. I should have gotten the jacket. Actually, It is close to shivery. No headache, No pain in the tummy. Just a funny feeling. I guess the digestion process has stopped. The body is not expecting anything.
3pm. 65 hours. 7 hours to go.
Just came back from the rehearsal. As I was coming up My mind was speculating what to do? What to read? I put my foot down that Either you go sleep or watch something. I am not doing any work. As anyways I will have to go for rehearsal around 6pm. Now, I realize the importance of taking breaks and chilling. Anyways my friends keep saying that I can do nothing other than work. I don't have normal topics to chit chat about. All I talk about is acting this and acting that. I guess It makes me a very good actor but a very annoying person to be around maybe. How will a girl fall in love with me, if I keep boring her with all the acting talk? I need to ease a little. Find other interests other than acting too (smile).
The headache is back. I don't know how much water will help this. The tummy is sleeping. It must be saying, "Oh Good no working for a while". When Sam came today, I asked him if I was looking tired to this he said, I was looking fresher than yesterday. I guess so. I had no difficulty in concentrating in the rehearsal, actually, I think I could focus more. Today, I was talking to Adithya another cafe partner and also chef. So I told him I want to eat something special tomorrow. Let's see what's in store. I am excited but I have no clue as to what I will eat at 10pm. Some dry fruits and then something. I said I will make soup but I guess not. My soup would be bland. I am falling in love with food. I guess If you want to find love stay away for a while. There was this friend who I used to hang out with and she was really annoyed with my lack of interest in food. I said, I eat only to live. Huh!!!! What a sad statement. Why only her!!! I irritated almost everyone by not ordering my own food. Because I had no favorite. What I understand now is that it doesn't make me cool. I recently realized it annoyed me talking to a person who had no favorites. For whom everything was fine.
I realize now that to be a good artist you have to live fully in every area of your life. Live live live.. Have fun.. face everything.. every emotion. Feeling everything is important. It is important for an artist to be sensitive rather than numb. Just a shift in thought process has changed my outlook.
6:30pm, 68.5 hours. 3.5 hours to go.
I am sitting in the cafe with a friend. I am very composed and my face is not at all saying what is going on inside. Actually, I am more excited and happy than troubled.
Suddenly after my nap my eye started hurting and I have no clue. It is still hurting.
7pm, 69 hours, 3 hours to go.
I am home waiting to drink my ginger-turmeric tea at 8 to start the digestion process. It is funny that I dreamt that I am eating pasta in my dream and it was so real, I can't tell and when I woke up, Oh! Hoo.
My plan of no one getting a hint has been successful. It was a good decision too. I am coming out strong after this exercise. Even my room mate doesn't know about this or my closest friend. I might try a five day fast sometime in the future. Will go watch some Netflix now. (Watched the 10th episode of Midnight diner: Tokyo stories. I was holding this episode for a long time. Since I loved it so much I didn't want it to end)
8pm. 70 hours. 2 hours to go.
Ginger- turmeric tea is here. Anxious. So the process started. 9:45 dry fruits and then soup. Thought wise I have nothing. I am exhausted. I might write something after a few days reflecting on the experience, my take away from it.
8:45pm 75 minutes to go.
The tea relived my tummy. The headache is fading. I guess I will eat some dry fruits around 9:30 and then go get the soup. and come back for dinner. I told my room mate.. He was tired wanted to order or something. I told him, WHY I want special dinner. He was angry. I guess. he said this is ridiculous. Anyways. He is making egg curry and rice with less masala.
Please if you are planning to do this do your own research. I am just improvising.
9:30pm. 30 minutes to go.
Ate 5 almonds & 5 Dates. Now off to the restaurant for a lovely soup.
9:51 pm. I am in the restaurant waiting for the soup 9 minutes to go. Btw, I lost 2.5 kgs.
9:57pm. 3 minutes to go.
The soup is here.
10pm. 72 hours complete.
Yipppeee. I am so happy. Relieved I guess. Whatever I am glad I did this. Tough but worth. A lot of Perspective, clarity and focus happened.
Thanks for reading. I know it is long but it was damn 72 hours without food. :-)
25 August, 2017
An Actor's Dilemma!
I started acting around 2006. I have not done a lot of work because I made a promise to myself to save guard my interests as an artist. I have worked with a lot of people only once because I didn't think it necessary to spend that great deal of time again. As it would not strengthen me as an artist. May weaken me for sure. Sitting at home reading books was and still is a better option for me than to work for, or with people that I can't admire. So I decided that I would help myself grow with whatever understanding I could find, whatever would make sense to me. I saw so many actors stuck stagnant in their talent even if they were doing well otherwise. I told myself I have no business other than being the best version of me I can be. I knew what needed to be done. I knew I had to safeguard my interests. Safeguard the actor within.
So many distractions, wrong paths suggested. But how to follow the path which may take you the right way. I started writing this blog, "Learning The Right Way". I have been in this quest since then.
Figuring out the craft of acting. What it is exactly? How the hell do you transform from Person A to Person B. That has been my only quest! Very Important very very very to not be influenced by wrong masters. Find a true master or be your own. In this digital age, everyone is at your finger tips. All the great masters of the world can be accessed and I did that. I am not saying I didn't find great teachers here. I did. My first teacher Nadira Zaheer Babbar gave me the best gift a student can want, She asked me to read, read and read. She said it will transform you into the best you. Reading is magic. and yes it was. It was magic. Also, she said Hard Work is the only key to any kind of success. Total immersion. I got these things slowly not immediately. And many other teachers I had in my life like Juhi Babbar, Darpan Sir, Divya Palat. Everyone giving a new insight, Juhi Babbar is someone who showed trust in me when I was zero. She gave me a big responsibility. Even though others thought I couldn't, I didn't know if I could. It was the start of the awesome journey of self-belief. Now if any work comes to me. All I say is, I don't know how to do it now but I will know eventually. Same is the process in characterization for me I never know, the journey may be painful but I am sure I'll reach there. Darpan Sir- He gave another gem. He said where ever you work, make sure you do whatever you do with so much zeal and dedication that when you are not there, people notice. They say, where is Sonu? I took it too seriously. Divya ran an improv class and the best thing she taught me was that I could be free and uninhibited. Today the person I am could never be without these people.
But what I wanted to talk here was the dilemma an actor faces in this country because of many insincere actors. That it is become a culture here in India that directors show you how to act. You have a scene to do and most of them will enact it for you and expect you to copy.
I cannot agree to that. I don't believe in this. There are even senior actors who take pride in showing how to do a particular scene. The fun goes away for me. After I have seen it being done by someone what is it? Sheer imitation. Where is the thought, the discovery? To be able to say a simple line, 'How are you?" is a discovery you figure it out. What it means here? What is the relationship? What is going on? It is not so simple as copying someone else.
What do you want to show by enacting it for others? That you can do well. After 20-30 years of experience obviously, you will be better than that newcomer. But if you let that new actor experience the scene for himself. If you let him discover? He might just give you something magical.
I may have shown how to enact something initially but I realized it doesn't help. You have to show it again and again, every time. Imitation needs regular oiling while something that is a discovery needs nothing. Even after a year, that actor can perform with same intensity after one or two readings. Because it is in their heart. It is a discovery, not theft. It is theirs. We all experience life differently. We all feel in our own way. Some people feel much more while other do a little less. Let everyone find their own way. Don't walk the path with them show them maybe.
Let other's take responsibility. Don't think you know every thing because you don't. When we don't know major things about our own personalities who are we to dictate the understanding we have of the world to others.
Wouldn't it be beautiful, if, in a rehearsal, a director dissects the scene with the actor understanding the text and the subtext together rather than showing or telling this is how it is done? A fresher can never handle that pressure. Like you a senior can't handle the pressure if I pointed at a person in life and told you that's how I want it done. You may do it but it will be your version your interpretation. Wouldn't it???? Or you can give me exactly the same in a few minutes. You can mimic. One more question, as actors what are we looking at when an actor plays a role? How well can you mirror the mannerisms or, How well you can mirror the mind. The inner world.
For me, without the inner world, there is no outer world.
There always have been insincere actors but today the understanding of the craft is improving. All I ask you is treat each and everyone individually.
Don't treat actors as a group because they are not. Same like life. Every individual has a different voice. You can't generalize. Treat everyone with the understanding that they bring in with them.
17 August, 2017
The Love I Love
The Love I love
is not second guessed.
is not something to be understood
is not confusing
is not a maybe
the Love I love
is electric
is powerful
is magnetic
is firm
The Love I love
makes my heart warm.
It doesn't instill fear, whether It is real or not.
The love I love is not a rolling of the dice.
It is not something I would know by plucking flower petals one by one.
If it is not hundred percent I don't want any of it.
If it is not sure, then is it love?
The love I love pulls me and there is nothing I can do about it.
This is the kind of love I love.
I want to be pulled I want to feel the energy.
I won't spend days and nights thinking if it is there or not.
The Love I love is definite, clear and shines like a crystal.
If it doesn't shine I don't want any of it.
If I have to contemplate I don't want any of it.
If I have to weigh it's worth I don't want any of it.
The love I love is Bang on.
It is something that needs no words.
The Love I love won't have me impress
Because love is love, it needs no artificial ingredients.
The Love I love is natural. It just happens and no one can do anything about.
If it is only in my heart I will crush it brutally
If it is only in yours, you should too.
The Love I love is equally in yours and mine.
and there is nothing we can do about it.
If you know of a love like that.
If you have ever felt a love like that.
Then we can sit and talk.
or else let it be.
It maybe difficult to survive without love but
I want no half measures.
What I seek is magic.
If you seek it too.
Maybe we can look for it together.
Because The love I love is not in our hands.
Because The love I love shuts the logic.
Because the love I love needs no words.
-SA
is not second guessed.
is not something to be understood
is not confusing
is not a maybe
the Love I love
is electric
is powerful
is magnetic
is firm
The Love I love
makes my heart warm.
It doesn't instill fear, whether It is real or not.
The love I love is not a rolling of the dice.
It is not something I would know by plucking flower petals one by one.
If it is not hundred percent I don't want any of it.
If it is not sure, then is it love?
The love I love pulls me and there is nothing I can do about it.
This is the kind of love I love.
I want to be pulled I want to feel the energy.
I won't spend days and nights thinking if it is there or not.
The Love I love is definite, clear and shines like a crystal.
If it doesn't shine I don't want any of it.
If I have to contemplate I don't want any of it.
If I have to weigh it's worth I don't want any of it.
The love I love is Bang on.
It is something that needs no words.
The Love I love won't have me impress
Because love is love, it needs no artificial ingredients.
The Love I love is natural. It just happens and no one can do anything about.
If it is only in my heart I will crush it brutally
If it is only in yours, you should too.
The Love I love is equally in yours and mine.
and there is nothing we can do about it.
If you know of a love like that.
If you have ever felt a love like that.
Then we can sit and talk.
or else let it be.
It maybe difficult to survive without love but
I want no half measures.
What I seek is magic.
If you seek it too.
Maybe we can look for it together.
Because The love I love is not in our hands.
Because The love I love shuts the logic.
Because the love I love needs no words.
-SA
04 August, 2017
เคฒेเคเค เคขूंเคก เคฐเคนा เคนूँ !
เคฒेเคเค เคขूंเคก เคฐเคนा เคนूँ !
เฅง.
เคธुเคจा เคฅा เคฒेเคเค เคธเคธ्เคคे เคนै |
เคคो เคฎिเคฒเคคे เค्เคฏूँ เคจเคนीं ?
เคธुเคจा เคฅा เคฒेเคเค เคนเคฐ เคाเคฏ เคी เคฆूเคाเคจ เคชเคฐ เคชเฅे เคฐเคนเคคे เคนै |
เคคो เคฆीเคเคคे เค्เคฏूँ เคจเคนीं ?
เคธुเคจा เคฅा เคธเคฌ्เฅी เคธे เคธเคธ्เคคी เคเคนाเคจिเคฏाँ เคฎिเคฒ เคฐเคนी เคนै เคเค เคเคฒ |
เคคो เคธुเคจाเค เค्เคฏूँ เคจเคนीं เคฆेเคคी ?
เคธुเคจा เคฅा เคซेเคธเคฌुเค เค्เคตीเคเคฐ เคฒेเคเคों เคธे เคญเคฐा เคชเฅा เคนै |
เคคो เคฎेเคฐे เคซीเคก เคชเคฐ เค्เคฏूँ เคจเคนीं เคฆीเคเคคे ?
เคฒเคเคคा เคนै, เคธुเคจी เคธुเคจाเค, เค เคซเคตाเคนें เคนी เคนोเคคी เคนोंเคी |
เค เคเคฐ เคธเค เคนोเคคी เคคो เคฎुเคे เคฎेเคฐा เคฒेเคเค เคฎिเคฒ เคเคฏा เคนोเคคा |
เฅจ.
เค เคเคฐ เคฒेเคเค เคธเคธ्เคคे เคนोเคคे เคคो เคช्เคฐेเคฎเคंเคฆ เคเคฐ เคถเคฐเคคเคंเคฆ เคนเคฐ เคौเคฐाเคนे เคชे เคฎिเคฒเคคे |
เค เคเคฐ เคฒेเคเค เคाเคฏ เคी เคฆुเคाเคจों เคชเคฐ เคฎिเคฒเคคे |
เคคो เคाเคฏ เคชिเคฒाเคจे เคตाเคฒे เคจिเคฐ्เคฆेเคถเคों เคी เคซिเคฒ्เคฎों เคฎें เคเคนाเคจिเคฏाँ เคนोเคคी |
เค เคเคฐ เคเคนाเคจिเคฏाँ เคธเคฌ्เคिเคฏों เคธे เคธเคธ्เคคी เคนोเคคी,
เคคो เคเคช เคाเคจे เคे เคธाเคฅ เค เค्เคे เคงाเคฐाเคตाเคนिเค เคฆेเค เคฐเคนे เคนोเคคे |
เค เคเคฐ เคซेเคธเคฌुเค เค्เคตिเคเคฐ เคชเคฐ เคฒेเคเค เคฎिเคฒเคคे,
เคคो เคฎेเคฐी เคจ्เคฏूเฅ เคซीเคก เคญเคกाเคธों เคเคฐ เคाเคฒिเคฏों เคธे เคจเคนीं เคญเคฐी เคนोเคคी |
เฅฉ.
เคฌाเคค เคตเคนी เคी เคตเคนी เคชเคนुเค เคเคฏी เคी เคฎैं เคฒेเคเค เคขूंเคก เคฐเคนा เคนूँ |
เคฆेเคो เคจ เคคुเคฎ,เค เคชเคจे เค เคจ्เคฆเคฐ!!!
เคถाเคฏเคฆ เคฎुเคे เคฎेเคฐा เคฒेเคเค เคฎिเคฒ เคाเคฏे |
เคुเค เคฆिเคा???
เค เคเคฐ เคฎैเคฒा เคฒเคे เคฆिเคฒ เคคो เคชोเค เคฒेเคจा |
เคฒेเคเค เคธाเฅ เคธเคซाเค เคฎें เคฎिเคฒเคคे เคนै |
เคुเค เคเคฐ เคฆिเคा???
เคฎเคจ เคी เคाเคฆเคฐ เค เคเคฐ เคฎैเคฒी เคฒเคे เคคो เคเคธे เคญी เคธाเฅ เคเคฐ เคฒेเคจा |
เคฒेเคเค เคธाเฅ เคाเคฆเคฐ เคชเคฐ เคฒेเค เคธเคชเคจे เคฆेเคा เคเคฐเคคे เคนै |
เคฎเคจ เคเคฐ เคฆिเคฒ เคธाเฅ เคนो เคाเคฏे เคคो เคถाเคฏเคฆ เคฒेเคเค เคฎिเคฒ เคाเคฏे เคนเคฎें |
เค्เคฏूंเคि เคฒेเคเค เคोเคฐ्เค เคा เคเค เคจเคนीं เคนो เคธเคเคคा |
เคिเคธी เคเคฎเฅोเคฐ เคฏा เคฎเฅเคฌूเคค เคा เคตเคीเคฒ เคจเคนीं เคนो เคธเคเคคा |
เคเค เคญ्เคฐเคท्เค เคฏा เคเคฎाเคจเคฆाเคฐ เคจेเคคा เคจเคนीं เคนो เคธเคเคคा |
เคชाเคฐो เคा เคฆेเคต เคญी เคจเคนीं เคนो เคธเคเคคा |
เคฒेเคเค เคुเค เคญी เคจเคนीं เคนो เคธเคเคคा |
เคตो เคेเคตเคฒ เคธเคฎाเค เคा เคฆเคฐ्เคชเคฃ เคนी เคนो เคธเคเคคा เคนै |
เคिเคธी เคงเคฐ्เคฎ เคा เคुเคฐु เคฏा เคธ्เคूเคฒ เคा เค เคฆ्เคฏाเคชเค เคจเคนीं เคนो เคธเคเคคा |
เคฆुเคธเคฐो เคो เค्เคाเคจ เคฌाเคเคจे เคตाเคฒा เคฌोเคฐ เคจเคนीं เคนो เคธเคเคคा |
เคเคชเฅों เคी เคฒเคฎ्เคฌाเค เคชเคฐ เคคंเค เคเคธเคจे เคตाเคฒा เคฒोเคซเคฐ เคจเคนीं เคนो เคธเคเคคा |
เคเคธเคा เค เคชเคจा เคुเค เคญी เคจเคนीं เคนो เคธเคเคคा |
เคเคนी เคฆिเคे เคเคธा เคोเค เคฒेเคเค เคคो เคฌเคคाเคจा |
เคฌเคนुเคค เคฆिเคจों เคธे เคเค เคฒेเคเค เคขूंเคก เคฐเคนा เคนूँ|
เคฌाเคนเคฐ เคจ เคฎिเคฒे เคคो เค เคชเคจे เคฆเคฐ्เคชเคฃ เคो เคธाเฅ เคเคฐเคคे เคฐเคนเคจा |
เคถाเคฏเคฆ เคคुเคฎ เคนी เคตो เคฒेเคเค เคนो|
เคिเคธे เคฎैं เคขूंเคก เคฐเคนा เคนूँ |
เคเคฌ เคฆเคฐ्เคชเคฃ เคी เคงुเคจ्เคง्เคฒाเคนเคค เคธाเฅ เคนो เคाเคฏे เคคो เคฌเคคा เคฆेเคจा |
เคเคฌ เคธे เคฒेเคเค เคขूंเคก เคฐเคนा เคนूँ|
เค เคฐเคธा เคนुเค เคเค เค เค्เคी เคเคนाเคจी เคชเฅे|
- เคธा
เฅง.
เคธुเคจा เคฅा เคฒेเคเค เคธเคธ्เคคे เคนै |
เคคो เคฎिเคฒเคคे เค्เคฏूँ เคจเคนीं ?
เคธुเคจा เคฅा เคฒेเคเค เคนเคฐ เคाเคฏ เคी เคฆूเคाเคจ เคชเคฐ เคชเฅे เคฐเคนเคคे เคนै |
เคคो เคฆीเคเคคे เค्เคฏूँ เคจเคนीं ?
เคธुเคจा เคฅा เคธเคฌ्เฅी เคธे เคธเคธ्เคคी เคเคนाเคจिเคฏाँ เคฎिเคฒ เคฐเคนी เคนै เคเค เคเคฒ |
เคคो เคธुเคจाเค เค्เคฏूँ เคจเคนीं เคฆेเคคी ?
เคธुเคจा เคฅा เคซेเคธเคฌुเค เค्เคตीเคเคฐ เคฒेเคเคों เคธे เคญเคฐा เคชเฅा เคนै |
เคคो เคฎेเคฐे เคซीเคก เคชเคฐ เค्เคฏूँ เคจเคนीं เคฆीเคเคคे ?
เคฒเคเคคा เคนै, เคธुเคจी เคธुเคจाเค, เค เคซเคตाเคนें เคนी เคนोเคคी เคนोंเคी |
เค เคเคฐ เคธเค เคนोเคคी เคคो เคฎुเคे เคฎेเคฐा เคฒेเคเค เคฎिเคฒ เคเคฏा เคนोเคคा |
เฅจ.
เค เคเคฐ เคฒेเคเค เคธเคธ्เคคे เคนोเคคे เคคो เคช्เคฐेเคฎเคंเคฆ เคเคฐ เคถเคฐเคคเคंเคฆ เคนเคฐ เคौเคฐाเคนे เคชे เคฎिเคฒเคคे |
เค เคเคฐ เคฒेเคเค เคाเคฏ เคी เคฆुเคाเคจों เคชเคฐ เคฎिเคฒเคคे |
เคคो เคाเคฏ เคชिเคฒाเคจे เคตाเคฒे เคจिเคฐ्เคฆेเคถเคों เคी เคซिเคฒ्เคฎों เคฎें เคเคนाเคจिเคฏाँ เคนोเคคी |
เค เคเคฐ เคเคนाเคจिเคฏाँ เคธเคฌ्เคिเคฏों เคธे เคธเคธ्เคคी เคนोเคคी,
เคคो เคเคช เคाเคจे เคे เคธाเคฅ เค เค्เคे เคงाเคฐाเคตाเคนिเค เคฆेเค เคฐเคนे เคนोเคคे |
เค เคเคฐ เคซेเคธเคฌुเค เค्เคตिเคเคฐ เคชเคฐ เคฒेเคเค เคฎिเคฒเคคे,
เคคो เคฎेเคฐी เคจ्เคฏूเฅ เคซीเคก เคญเคกाเคธों เคเคฐ เคाเคฒिเคฏों เคธे เคจเคนीं เคญเคฐी เคนोเคคी |
เฅฉ.
เคฌाเคค เคตเคนी เคी เคตเคนी เคชเคนुเค เคเคฏी เคी เคฎैं เคฒेเคเค เคขूंเคก เคฐเคนा เคนूँ |
เคฆेเคो เคจ เคคुเคฎ,เค เคชเคจे เค เคจ्เคฆเคฐ!!!
เคถाเคฏเคฆ เคฎुเคे เคฎेเคฐा เคฒेเคเค เคฎिเคฒ เคाเคฏे |
เคुเค เคฆिเคा???
เค เคเคฐ เคฎैเคฒा เคฒเคे เคฆिเคฒ เคคो เคชोเค เคฒेเคจा |
เคฒेเคเค เคธाเฅ เคธเคซाเค เคฎें เคฎिเคฒเคคे เคนै |
เคुเค เคเคฐ เคฆिเคा???
เคฎเคจ เคी เคाเคฆเคฐ เค เคเคฐ เคฎैเคฒी เคฒเคे เคคो เคเคธे เคญी เคธाเฅ เคเคฐ เคฒेเคจा |
เคฒेเคเค เคธाเฅ เคाเคฆเคฐ เคชเคฐ เคฒेเค เคธเคชเคจे เคฆेเคा เคเคฐเคคे เคนै |
เคฎเคจ เคเคฐ เคฆिเคฒ เคธाเฅ เคนो เคाเคฏे เคคो เคถाเคฏเคฆ เคฒेเคเค เคฎिเคฒ เคाเคฏे เคนเคฎें |
เค्เคฏूंเคि เคฒेเคเค เคोเคฐ्เค เคा เคเค เคจเคนीं เคนो เคธเคเคคा |
เคिเคธी เคเคฎเฅोเคฐ เคฏा เคฎเฅเคฌूเคค เคा เคตเคीเคฒ เคจเคนीं เคนो เคธเคเคคा |
เคเค เคญ्เคฐเคท्เค เคฏा เคเคฎाเคจเคฆाเคฐ เคจेเคคा เคจเคนीं เคนो เคธเคเคคा |
เคชाเคฐो เคा เคฆेเคต เคญी เคจเคนीं เคนो เคธเคเคคा |
เคฒेเคเค เคुเค เคญी เคจเคนीं เคนो เคธเคเคคा |
เคตो เคेเคตเคฒ เคธเคฎाเค เคा เคฆเคฐ्เคชเคฃ เคนी เคนो เคธเคเคคा เคนै |
เคिเคธी เคงเคฐ्เคฎ เคा เคुเคฐु เคฏा เคธ्เคूเคฒ เคा เค เคฆ्เคฏाเคชเค เคจเคนीं เคนो เคธเคเคคा |
เคฆुเคธเคฐो เคो เค्เคाเคจ เคฌाเคเคจे เคตाเคฒा เคฌोเคฐ เคจเคนीं เคนो เคธเคเคคा |
เคเคชเฅों เคी เคฒเคฎ्เคฌाเค เคชเคฐ เคคंเค เคเคธเคจे เคตाเคฒा เคฒोเคซเคฐ เคจเคนीं เคนो เคธเคเคคा |
เคเคธเคा เค เคชเคจा เคुเค เคญी เคจเคนीं เคนो เคธเคเคคा |
เคเคนी เคฆिเคे เคเคธा เคोเค เคฒेเคเค เคคो เคฌเคคाเคจा |
เคฌเคนुเคค เคฆिเคจों เคธे เคเค เคฒेเคเค เคขूंเคก เคฐเคนा เคนूँ|
เคฌाเคนเคฐ เคจ เคฎिเคฒे เคคो เค เคชเคจे เคฆเคฐ्เคชเคฃ เคो เคธाเฅ เคเคฐเคคे เคฐเคนเคจा |
เคถाเคฏเคฆ เคคुเคฎ เคนी เคตो เคฒेเคเค เคนो|
เคिเคธे เคฎैं เคขूंเคก เคฐเคนा เคนूँ |
เคเคฌ เคฆเคฐ्เคชเคฃ เคी เคงुเคจ्เคง्เคฒाเคนเคค เคธाเฅ เคนो เคाเคฏे เคคो เคฌเคคा เคฆेเคจा |
เคเคฌ เคธे เคฒेเคเค เคขूंเคก เคฐเคนा เคนूँ|
เค เคฐเคธा เคนुเค เคเค เค เค्เคी เคเคนाเคจी เคชเฅे|
- เคธा
24 April, 2017
In the Beginning, Forget about your feelings.
In the Beginning, forget about your feelings. When the inner conditions are prepared, and right, feelings will come to the surface of their own accord.
- Pg: 53, Chapter: Action, Book: An Actor Prepares- Constantin Stanislavski
I was introduced to acting in December 2006 with a theatre workshop. I was told that Stanislavski is the father of modern acting and everyone who wants to be an actor should read his books. I managed to read only one book An Actor Prepares. I read it once and forgot all about it. Recently, I have started reading it again and realized whenever I get a chance to act I follow the book in many ways. It has given me amazing results too. I don't act much but whenever I do I attempt to be true to the character. I try to fill myself with as much information about that particular character and when I am on stage or in the front of the camera I let myself go with the belief that the information will make me react in a way the character would have.
I am learning. I have a long way to go but this little concept helped me so much and put me at ease that If I create the world like mine for the character, it will become alive in me and I shall be able to project it in my performance.
What I understand from the above-mentioned phrase from the book is that when you have all the information about the situations and reasons of the character you are playing you won't have to fake it. You will just be able to bring it alive. Be that character.
I will like to clarify using an example. Let's assume you are playing Shirish, a young man diagnosed with a deadly disease and the whole story is how he becomes at peace with himself. Like he understands what life is in its entirety when he was about to die.
There is a scene where he informs his parents about the disease.
How do you go about performing the scene?
The scene graph goes like this: You go to your parent's room. you chitchat about everything but the disease and midway you break down. They keep asking you what is wrong but you don't say a word. You leave the reports behind and step out of the house crying and dazed. You cannot think straight.
There are different actors and different ways.
Some people won't think about Shirish. Who he is? What his life is been about?
They will pick up the scene remember the lines and plot how they think their emotions progress with the scene and perform it.
or Some will read- memorize and jump in the scene hoping they hit the right notes.
or some will mock rehearse what their emotion should be without letting themselves feel it.
Many actors don't want to go through the pain.
They do it like they think it should be done. Mechanically. Which according to Stanislavski is the worst form of acting.
To those who are afraid of the trauma. Some say you know I have felt this and that. I cannot go there.
My suggestion is if you are a butcher you cannot stop the blood from spilling on your hands or clothes.
If you are a professional actor, you got to deal with your emotions. Period.
Now, How do we go about the scene as suggested in this phrase? As an actor, you read the entire script. You have information about what happens in the film. Now start filling the gap about the character in accordance with the writer and the director. Because it is very important to be aligned with them. The character is from the writer's imagination and the director is executing it so it is very important that they know what is going on in your head.
After you filled in the detail. as they say, you need to know as much about the character as you know about yourself.
It might seem impossible but it usually depends on the amount of time you have to prepare the role.
like once I had a week to prepare for the role. I imagined 20 incidents from the character's 20 years of life on earth. My thoughts being If I go back and examine my life. I will not have more than one or two incidents- memories every year that made me who I am today.
and then I made those memories alive in my imagination. I started giving the memories color. Those memories should be as vivid as the ones that happened in our life. During the whole shoot, I kept going through them, making them more alive not thinking about the scenes, not thinking about how I should be emoting. I only wanted to feel as if I had lived that life.
The work that I did on the script was that I memorized my lines and with the scenes thought about where I am coming from? before the scene starts and Where I am going to after the scene ends?
The result was quite impressive. I could feel I did some amount of justice to the character.
As actors, all we have to do is bring life to the character on paper. We are not here to impress. An Actor's only job is to express what the character is feeling. Don't bring yourself in the picture. Your job is to serve the character and in turn serve the story.
This is what anyone care's about.
- Pg: 53, Chapter: Action, Book: An Actor Prepares- Constantin Stanislavski
I was introduced to acting in December 2006 with a theatre workshop. I was told that Stanislavski is the father of modern acting and everyone who wants to be an actor should read his books. I managed to read only one book An Actor Prepares. I read it once and forgot all about it. Recently, I have started reading it again and realized whenever I get a chance to act I follow the book in many ways. It has given me amazing results too. I don't act much but whenever I do I attempt to be true to the character. I try to fill myself with as much information about that particular character and when I am on stage or in the front of the camera I let myself go with the belief that the information will make me react in a way the character would have.
I am learning. I have a long way to go but this little concept helped me so much and put me at ease that If I create the world like mine for the character, it will become alive in me and I shall be able to project it in my performance.
What I understand from the above-mentioned phrase from the book is that when you have all the information about the situations and reasons of the character you are playing you won't have to fake it. You will just be able to bring it alive. Be that character.
I will like to clarify using an example. Let's assume you are playing Shirish, a young man diagnosed with a deadly disease and the whole story is how he becomes at peace with himself. Like he understands what life is in its entirety when he was about to die.
There is a scene where he informs his parents about the disease.
How do you go about performing the scene?
The scene graph goes like this: You go to your parent's room. you chitchat about everything but the disease and midway you break down. They keep asking you what is wrong but you don't say a word. You leave the reports behind and step out of the house crying and dazed. You cannot think straight.
There are different actors and different ways.
Some people won't think about Shirish. Who he is? What his life is been about?
They will pick up the scene remember the lines and plot how they think their emotions progress with the scene and perform it.
or Some will read- memorize and jump in the scene hoping they hit the right notes.
or some will mock rehearse what their emotion should be without letting themselves feel it.
Many actors don't want to go through the pain.
They do it like they think it should be done. Mechanically. Which according to Stanislavski is the worst form of acting.
To those who are afraid of the trauma. Some say you know I have felt this and that. I cannot go there.
My suggestion is if you are a butcher you cannot stop the blood from spilling on your hands or clothes.
If you are a professional actor, you got to deal with your emotions. Period.
Now, How do we go about the scene as suggested in this phrase? As an actor, you read the entire script. You have information about what happens in the film. Now start filling the gap about the character in accordance with the writer and the director. Because it is very important to be aligned with them. The character is from the writer's imagination and the director is executing it so it is very important that they know what is going on in your head.
After you filled in the detail. as they say, you need to know as much about the character as you know about yourself.
It might seem impossible but it usually depends on the amount of time you have to prepare the role.
like once I had a week to prepare for the role. I imagined 20 incidents from the character's 20 years of life on earth. My thoughts being If I go back and examine my life. I will not have more than one or two incidents- memories every year that made me who I am today.
and then I made those memories alive in my imagination. I started giving the memories color. Those memories should be as vivid as the ones that happened in our life. During the whole shoot, I kept going through them, making them more alive not thinking about the scenes, not thinking about how I should be emoting. I only wanted to feel as if I had lived that life.
The work that I did on the script was that I memorized my lines and with the scenes thought about where I am coming from? before the scene starts and Where I am going to after the scene ends?
The result was quite impressive. I could feel I did some amount of justice to the character.
As actors, all we have to do is bring life to the character on paper. We are not here to impress. An Actor's only job is to express what the character is feeling. Don't bring yourself in the picture. Your job is to serve the character and in turn serve the story.
This is what anyone care's about.
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