A Thousand Times!!!

Walking on the road
I slipped, I fell, I was covered with mud
A thousand times
But still I got up..
I walked ahead..


I failed all the exams..
I believed myself to be a loser
Still I tried once more..
Some day I might pass
A thousand times I tried with   hope..


Stupidity became synonymous to my name
Because of all the decisions I took
Because of the vain arrogance I had
Vacant self esteem I possessed
I was called stupid a thousand times
Still I try to be wise..
Still I try to make sense


I did all that i was not interested in
Believing that's what I deserve
Not accepting my passion
Feeling unworthy of my dreams
I tried to throw my dream away
 a thousand times
But still it comes back inside
It's magic I don't know from where


What you meant to be
What your path is
What your dreams are
What you are passionate about
You can't pick and choose


Don't question why
Don't judge if you can
Don't think you know the answers
No you don't
And you can't


If you want peace
If you want to smile
If you want to look good
Let your passion flow
Follow what ur heart desires
Fail a thousand times
Still u'll smile.


A thousand times you'll lose
A thousand times you'll smile
Because you understand
It not about the end goal
It about enjoying the journey
It may take a while
It may take a lifetime
But you will have fun
You'll enjoy


A thousand times you'll realize
It's not about reaching there
But the travel is what makes you who you are..
So smile and keep walking
For the thousands of days you have.


Keep losing and keep winning
A thousand times.
-SA

I'm Not on your side.

As a small kid as far as my memory goes.. a few friends that played would make groups.. fight each other and then want you to choose sides..

Well, a 3-4 year old want you to choose sides. This has been the worst concept that i haven't been able to comprehend ever. I don't want to choose sides. I don't loathe either of the group. You will have to choose they say. If you are not on our side you are against us.

When i went to a boarding school during the period, when i was 5-10 year old. It was as bad. My hostel was in Kurseong,Darjeeling. So the groups were divided among the natives and others who came from the north side, bihar, bengal etc.  My best friend was a native. So i always found it difficult to be among the group i was supposed to be by default. I was pressured to join the north side while the natives were cool with me being part of their group. I had no choice i liked them all though i didn't understand this need to make groups. Otherwise they were all good people.

I guess their difference in appearance made them choose sides. Well, i din't see the difference. My troubles didn't last long. The natives gave me free hand as to i pretend to be of north group and be with them too. I liked the idea. I guess it got easy to survive after that. But the fact remains i had to pretend to choose a group to survive without hassle.

My question is do we have to choose sides, when there is no difference between either of them. why can't i be friend with him without hurting her. I guess you can't they will make you choose sides.

All my life the thing about choosing sides has been arising time and again. So much so that one friend said, you have to choose one, there is always right and wrong..

But who says that and who will decide that..

If i have seen friends in both the sides is because i have heard what they have to say. And in their heads both of them are right.

So what do we do.

Which side you'll be on.

There are many thing said about being neutral.  "every side attacks you, when you don't take sides."

I will give you that one. It does become convenient if you choose one side. But for that you will have to choose a side. You will have to hate someone for that.

The thing about  having a healthy difference does not exist and never existed. I believe.

If i am with muslims. here and there they will drop about why don't i belief in their faith as that's the only real faith.

or when a hindu unabashedly criticizes  muslims..

or when a international paper says, people who worship stones are living in darkness and they have to give them some light..

or when you hate someone because they can't speak your language..

or when you don't like the colour of my skin.

or when you hate someone just because that one annoys you without  any reason.

Why would i want to take sides. these are all talks.. the reality being the reality. i will perceive my life as i will .. if i  don't find any side i want to choose.. i will choose nothing. and if for that you hate me go on.. do that.

you will have groups for that too..
some who would not mind me..
some who hate me for my thoughts..
some who love me and agree with me..

so here again we have made groups..

I don't know what more i can say about this... but just this that, I'm not on your side..

-SA

woh mujhe rone nahi dete!!!

aksar thak kar jab apni thakan zahir karta hun;
toh woh kehte hai," koi baat nahi.. yeh toh hona hi hai..
aadat dal lo.."

kabhi agar pyar mei chot khaon..

toh kehte hai:" yeh toh hona hi tha.. mujhe pehle hi laga tha.. "

"bhool jao.. "

Kabhi kisi bhookhe  ko dekh kar gussa aur majburi mehsoos karta to kehte..
yeh toh aisa hi rahega..
"kyu bekar mei pareshan hote ho... hone do jo ho raha hai"..

kabhi bam dhamakon se daar jata hun toh kehte hai..
"are darke kya hasil ho jayega.. ab aise hi jeena hoga"

kabhi apne kam se nirash hokar unse baat karta hun, to kehte hai
"yeh kam tumhare layak nahi,  kuch aisa karo jo tumhare bas ka ho".

kabhi bimar ho jao aur apni taklifein bayan karu toh kehte hai,
"dhairya rakho, jald theek ho jaoge.. akbakane se kya hoga.."

meri har taklif, meri har samasya, har dukh  ko nazar andaz karne ko kehte hai..

Woh mujhe rone nahi dete..

sach kahu toh, woh mujhe jeene hi nahi dete..

mere saath ho rahe wakyon ko, mehsoos nahi hone dete..

meri dabdabai  aankhon se, aansun tapakne hi nahi dete..

kya karu, woh mujhe rone hi nahi dete..

sach toh yeh hai ki, woh mujhe jeene hi nahi dete..

unki nazar mei, jeena waisa hi hoga shayad..

apne dard ko sunn karke jeena, jewan hai shayad unke liye..

nazrein pher, nazarein badal lete hai shayad..

iss haath ke choot te, dusra haath tham lete hai shayad..

inn sabse khush ho shayad..

Main khush nahi hona chahta, iss tarah..

mai har pal ko, mehsoos karna chahta hun..

dard mei chikhna chahta hun

gam mei aansun bahana chahta hun..

taklif mei tadapna chahta hun..

aur agar kabhi khushi aaye, toh  haasna bhi chahta hun..

mai insan hun..

insan ki tarah jeena chahta hun..

har kuch mehsoos karna chahta hun..

woh mujhe rone nahi dete..

arre yaar mai rona chahta hun..

-SA

well well well..

well well well
today is the 25th day of the second month of the year..

happens to be the birthday of my sister..

wooo!!! lucky to have her in my life..

as a kid,  i would always be eager to be around her..

she was my star.. and i was star struck fan..
i remember once i had gone to meet her  when she was in hostel..
they dint let us meet.. i was kind of broken.. a bit sad..

then i started growing up..

i got in my teen.. her care started looking like intrusion..

i wish i had given her the control..
i wish i had i had let her shape me..
i wish i had not been stubborn..
i wish i had understood her love..

but i was foolish bugger..
what i learnt or i am still learning would have been made easier by her guidance..

well only if we could see our future..
we would know how to behave..
well we cant..

only our past shapes our future...

but well you are meant to learn your lessons the hard way..

when i was in my 10th grade.. she got married..

the day of her wedding i realized..

oh damn i am gonna miss her..
damn she will not be there to keep a check on me..

well no matter how much freedom you desire it is always awesome to have someone monitor your ways..

keep you on track..

slowly i understood what she stood for..

after she left..

we got more close..

she became my friend after a few years..

one thing that she gave me was..

she always listened to all my crap..
all my blabber..
all my day dreaming...
and take it all in without judging..

those who dont have somone to listen to their thoughts know what i mean..

but the best part was..

she would always give me reality checks..
she would never agree to something what didn't appear plausible..

she would  always tell me, that i was not being realist..

i know that hurts but thats better

you know someone, who would not fool you..

someone you can trust to be authentic..


authenticity is what we need in our people..

she is there for me.. she will always be there for me..

i can't express how happy it makes to have such a cool awesome sister..

love you my sister... i wish you a awesome birthday..

may this year be as you want it to be..

may you be as cool authentic and awesome for ever..

i know one thing that you are too sensitive..

tone it down sis..

dont bother what others are doing or saying..
well you cant control them...

you are too awesome to be bogged down by insensitivity around..

you be who you are..

that what i wish for you on your birthday..

i want to see my sister

fearless, happy with a big smile, always..

i hope you will be having a fun time with your amazing family..

wish i was there with you..

Happy Birthday Sister.. :)

your delusional Brother

love you always..

just the smile... :-)

the suffocation in my lungs

that had always been there

unable to breathe

unable to walk

unable to see

unable to speak

unable to listen

unable to believe

freely, truly, crazily

that suffocation left me today

the doubt, the anger , the suspicion

on my world

on my city

on my colony

on my home

on my friends

on my family

on my lover

left me today

that suffocation left me today

as I awoke only a hint of suffocation was there

just a hint

telling me that the suffocation has left me

which made me doubt myself

which made me doubt my worthiness

which made me doubt my existence

which made me bitter

it left me today

that suffocation left me today..

as the sun, woke me up with it’s first rays..

I looked out of the window

Took a deep breath

And realized that the suffocation had left…

And that I was perfect

I needed no change

I vaporized then

I mixed into the universe

…

At that moment

I realized the truth of my existence…

I and the universe are the same..

I am the universe and the universe is me..

There is no bifurcation

There shall be no fight

There shall be no tears

There shall be no jealousy

Because everyone is me and I am everyone.

This realization set me free

And I could breathe myself

I could dissolve

I could float

I could fly

Go anywhere

Be with anyone

Because there is no VIBGYOR 

There’s just the rainbow

Rainbow is the only truth

There is no red, white, black, yellow, orange, purple..

And as I floated inside myself..

The make believe lips of mine

Generated a smile

And that smile was carved on my make believe face

like the stone paintings of the past

to remain etched forever

now the universe is smiling…

&  what remains is

just The smile..

just the smile..

-       

                    -   SA 

Cliche

Renoir hated the cliché. He would quote his father about

bringing an idea into existence. "If you paint the leaf on a tree

without using a model," Renoir told us the great Impressionistic

painter once said, "your imagination will only supply you with a few

leaves; but Nature offers you millions, all on the same tree. No two

leaves are exactly the same. The artist who paints only what is in his

mind must very soon repeat himself." If you look at Renoir's great

paintings, you'll see what he meant. No two leaves, no two flowers,

no two people are ever painted in the same way

Fragile Friend...

                                                     Fragile Friend…
             
              "A friend in love with you is your Fragile friend. Handle with Care”

Love is all around you and yes, Love actually does exist but sometimes it may not be for you or you or you. It will be there but of use to you, like mismatched pair of clothes, mismatched pair of shoes. You may see it but will not be able to use it.

What happens then,

Falling asleep with tearful eyes Shalini had asked, Atul what is wrong, we would talk so much, why don’t we talk these days..

“because when people meet for the first time they have a lot to share, maybe we completed our share of talks and don’t have much to exchange”.

After saying this and asking her about her day and a few other things, he said good night and cut the phone. She felt really hurt. She had fallen in love with him and he was behaving as if she was of no importance to him. She cried a lot that night. Her room mate asked her what was wrong. She said, nothing and switched off the light.  What could she say, the guy that I have been talking a lot about these days, going crazy for, has no feelings for me, I’m non-existent, I am a reject.

While Atul was not bothered he felt nothing about this situation because he had no feelings for her. She was a friend. In his mind, he never felt that she would be crying thinking about him. According to him, he had been fair towards her. Yes, they had met regularly, he may have considered being involved with her romantically but he didn't want to now, he had threw that idea out of his mind. He didn't seem to be on the same plane with her. He wanted to take a step back and include her among his group of friends. He would give her a special status of a close friend but that’s all he could do.  He was happy in his world, he was worried about his own problems. He was not empathetic to a problem that he didn't understand. Maybe, because he had never been in that position. He had never really loved a girl. He had his share of crushes but was unaware of love and he had not been in a situation where a girl had told him that she didn't feel for her and let’s be friends. So, he had no idea about her position. He had never been in love. He didn't know what it is to be in love and not being loved back. Lucky chap.

But Atul did know something. You get what you give. The hurt that he was  giving  Shalini, he will have to feel that to. Well, he knew this philosophy but he was not aware that he was hurting the girl because he was not bothered or aware about what was happening to her. So, even if he didn't come under the scanner of this one. This boy will have to have a bear a heart break. No matter how safe he played because when anyone  falls in love, they don’t know safe or dangerous. They just love and are vulnerable. It’s chance. There are 99% chances of a heart break. Atul was waiting for his.

The problem with Shalini was that in those 3 years that she spent with Atul, she never confessed her feelings. She hoped, he would fall in love with her. He would tell her that she is the most beautiful girl in the world and tell her how much in love he was. . But, it was not meant to be. There were a lot of things hindering their association. Her friends, his friends. No one interested in meddling in their relationship or friendship. Also, Since he didn't have the love fluid pumping in his brains. So, he could see her flaws.

Every time Shalini wanted something from Atul, he did or didn't depending on his mood. He would be blunt at times. Annoyed by her constant need for attention. He was not in love with her so the amount of care and attention he could give her was limited and her expectation was more because she was hoping someday he will realize her importance. He will be able to see me as I see him. He will be able to see me as a lover.
She knew how loved worked. It may happen, it may not. But she was ready to wait. For her, he was perfect. He was the one. She could not see his flaws. She could not see his coldness. His simple good gesture would make her heart warm. In his loneliness when he would call her and talk with an added interest, she would bring up her hopes. Her heart would start beating faster.

But the next day he would change, he would go back to being his old self. Slowly, he came to realize that she was totally in love with him. He contemplated, he thought, and by doing this he felt something. He might have considered his loneliness, his general lust for love and ruin her life by marrying her as when he would realize he didn't love her, what a miserable situation it would be for her to live with a person whom she loves so much. Who is her husband but so aloof. Who says he loves her, kisses her, makes love to her but never makes her feel  a thing. How sad it would have been for both of them.

He had planned to propose her, though he was not attracted to her, sexually or otherwise. He thought she is in my life and no one seems to come, it may be for a reason. I don’t seem to be in love with any other. Maybe I love her and by constantly thinking about her and giving himself the idea that he loved her. He created an illusion that he was in love.

Shalini was saved by her friend, Anita who was her close friend but hated her deep inside. She must have her reasons. Everyone has their reasons. She knew how madly Shalini was in love with Atul. The day before, he was planning to propose, by chance, he meet Anita  and hinted her about his intentions. She ignored that fact that she knew about their equation. She started giving out information about Shalini that did not make her look good. Some true Some false.

When, Atul met Shalini the next day. He decided against it. He said to himself, if I have to think then it is not love. Her hopes had died last night. She didn't know that, She was not aware. She didn't know it was best  for her. In fact, it is said it is better to marry someone who you don’t love and they don’t love you than marrying someone you love and they don’t love you. Because love may happen or it may not and if it doesn't then you are in a bad bad situation.

All this applies, if you are so desperate to get married otherwise you may wait for someone to come along whom you will love and they will love you too.

So, heartbroken Shalini didn't know the best thing had happened in her life. That Atul had finally ruled out any ideas of being in love with her. She couldn't understand that because she was completely in love and didn't have the capacity to think. She made another try with the help of a male friend. He called Atul and told him that Shalini is going out with a mad immoral dog.  She is going to ruin her life. Atul told him, why are you telling me all this, call her family.

He knew  Shalini was behind the call otherwise how will that guy have his number. He had never known that guy and before the call ended he had forgotten his name.  He was sad at her stupidity. He hoped, she would tell him that she loved him and he would make her understand that it is not possible. Set her free.  Simply, because he didn't love her and what else is important.

With time, Shalini could not bear the pain of being in company of Atul. It would pain her to see him ignorant of her love. She didn't blame him but she could not cope with it. That’s all. She slowly drifted apart from him. She broke all contacts with him. Slowly, she didn't want to be his friend anymore. He didn't understand why??? He understood after a while, after few years. He knew now that a person who is in love with you and you don’t. They are your Fragile friend. They always expect something more, not deliberately but their heart makes them. The heart never gives up the hope. He understood this when he fell in love. He knew now that your fragile friend had legal and mental rights to cut you off, to live maybe.

He didn't understand the effect one missed call, one un-replied message , one cancelled plan would have on her. He didn't understand that every time she heard him talk about another girl. Every time, she saw him eyeing another girl. Her heart broke into pieces.

He didn't know all this. He wondered why he had to lose a good friend. He didn't see her Fragile friend breaking every time he missed dozens of her calls and called her after weeks and behaved as if nothing had happened. He could not see her break into tiny tiny pieces because it was inside. It was inside her heart.

He did understand when he fell in love. He did understand what it means to be someone’s fragile friend. He understood her position. He was not angry with her now.

She on the other hand found a guy who loved her. Though, She didn't but thinking she understands what it means to be a fragile friend. She will be able empathize with him. Fall in love someday.

She didn't realize no one can feel another’s pain. Everyone has to live their own pain.

She didn't know her heart will always long for Atul. She didn't know a half complete story always stays. A complete one may fizzle out but what didn't happen will always be there. She didn't know all this. She had no idea and she married that guy.

Same goes for Atul though he had the first hand experience of being a fragile friend and having a fragile friend earlier but he will to never be able to handle a fragile friend perfectly. No one can. You are not on the same wave length.

What is Fragile will get cracked, broken time and again. You can’t help it. You can only handle with care that’s all.

The next time Atul has a Fragile friend he will handle with care but won’t be able to stop her tears because a fragile one is illogical.

Poor Shalini is having a tough time handling her Fragile Husband. She hopes she falls in love with him so that She can play a good wife. But Poor Shalini is able to see all his flaws which love makes invisible or blurred. Making it difficult for her to make a transition from a sympathizer to a lover.She keeps pondering how do you fall in love with someone after you know them completely with all their plus and minuses. This question will haunt her like the hen and Egg question has haunted the human kind.

What came before the hen or the egg???

Hope, better sense prevails and she understands that Life is big and there are other important things in life than to erase the pain of your heart.

When there is heart, there is pain.

If she doesn't want to feel pain, she will have to erase her heart.

One thing for Sure they have understood. Fragility is in everyone. Everyone is a fragile friend. Everyone has a Fragile Friend.

Both of them in their Heart do understand one thing though.

“Lets take care of each other, Let’s Handle every one with care. Let’s ease the hurting hearts because you are, I am, all of us are in pain”.

Hope, he finds love and she falls in love with the husband. That's all there is to their tale.

PS.
1. No matter how hard you try you cannot keep your Fragile friend happy. So just be you. Be a friend. Don't try.

2.Kill the hope of your fragile friend, if you are sure about it and help them move forward. Ask them to look ahead.

3. If they order you to do this and that, Give them a reality check.

4. If you find them of psychotic kind and obsessive, go straight away to the police station. Get a restraining order and don’t take it lightly. Also don’t stress much about them. Medication will cure them. If not, not your problem. Chill !!!

5. Will come up with a sequel "Broken Friend", an obsessive lover is not your friend, they are not fragile they are broken. Don’t follow them around with fevicol let their folks do that, you stay away.