Everyone has a different understanding of love. For each of us. It means something else. For me too It has been like that. I was always wary of declaring love. Comparing people rating them as to who I loved more. The questions like, Who do you love the most? are nightmares for every child. Specially when asked in the presence of subjects. I always avoided answering these questions or did I not. I have always been known to be brutal and straight forward. Love starts with the family and then comes love for an idea and then romantic love, which in turn gives you the chance to start the loop all over again for some one else.
I consider myself a skeptic in matters of love. From my early days, I was in love with acting. performing. the obsession to be a actor of some understanding. Someone who could create magic. But I tested myself. Did I really love or was it just another fascination. Again, the meaning is not quite clear. And what If I loved acting, Did Acting love me back? I didn't want to be an obsessed ass hole not getting the love back. slowly I realized , It was Mutual. I loved her and She me. It started becoming apparent when people would compliment me for my passion for this art. We were meant to be together. And I accepted this love between us or whatever it was. For me It is love of a life time. I was also scared what if I would not love acting after i point of time. What would happen then? I would become so lost in this vast world. Nothing to do, no where to go. But it was true I guess. I didn't have to put any extra effort. I didn't have to ask or beg for this love. I didn't have to show my earnestness. It was easy. Everything just fell in place. People started coming in my life who nurtured my talent. Seeing the passion. This one thing started defining me as it happens with all kinds of love. today, all of my existence revolves around it.
Everyone in my life has to bear this love of mine. hear romance stories that I keep telling them. What option do they have. If they want to be around me or spend time with me. I am only concerned with this.
But it has not been an easy relationship. there has been a lot of fight and drama. Where I have taken a step back. Started doing things I thought I deserved. Not this . I felt maybe acting is not meant for me. Everyone told me It was impractical thinking I could be an actor. But no one told me a small fire could burn the whole jungle. If I kept at it. I would be burning ablaze with this art and no one could see me as anything else. I and the art would become synonyms. The same people changed their views and vouch for my love. It doesn't matter. It didn't matter when it was Nay, It shouldn't matter when it is Yay. People say what they see at the moment, or what is the truth of their life. It means nothing to you . It should mean nothing to you. Because it is not a reflection of who you are but who they are.
I am not sad that I took a lot of time to accept my purpose in life. The passion never left me but I always questioned myself. Now, there is no doubt. Our relationship is so strong that I don't need to ask anyone if was any good. I know it in my heart what Happened. the truth is there for me to see. I can sense it. If I did what I meant to, no one saying otherwise can dishearten me. I know, I did what I wanted according to my understanding, maybe I need to work on my understanding. Or if someone praises me and in my heart I know I couldn't go the extra mile. They can't make me feel good. My relationship with my art is very personal and intimate. I don't need anyone else to tell me about my relationship. We don't need a counselor.
I'm glad for this part of my life. Of all the hurt and tears that go on because of our life dealings with other humans. My sleep has always been deep. My mornings always bright.
We all need to be in the company of humans. But knowing they don't hold absolute power over you is liberating. No one is more important than you. Everyone has their own dreams, ambitions and idiosyncrasy. Their behavior should never be the reflection of you. It is just their reflection and insecurities projected on you. Most of the time, people are talking to themselves. Asking questions and answering them. Most people are talking to a mirror. You are not there. So, don't let it affect you. In our relationship with fellow humans there is always a middle ground to be reached. But for all the middle ground you need to reach. Keep your self respect at the top of the ladder. Love has to be based on equality. A person who doesn't respect you now. Will not respect you in the future. A person who treats someone else ill will not treat you well. I see people being obsessed in romantic love. It hurts me to see them begging each other to be a part of their lives. Do you think your obsession is love. It can never be. The obsession will be over once you have acquired it. It is because you don't have it that you cry. Once you have it reality will hit you. But who thinks so much. At the end of the day, crying on your pillows, all you can say is, I want what I want. That's crap in plain terms. People who don't love themselves can never love others. The answer to our peace is not outside but inside. Try understand your idiosyncrasies more. the more you understand yourself. the more you can understand others.
My understanding has given me so many beautiful friends, lovers. But I always believe, in love both of you have to take a step. One step at a time.
Longing, begging will give you nothing. It is better to stay away from that person who treats you that way.
I find it hard to mention, I have seen many friends drowned in obsessive love, can't say I didn't deal with it too. I have, it was a lesson worth having. A understanding worth imbibing. It doesn't matter. Your obsessions will not help you. I have seen people hospitalized. A guy drowns himself to death in these obsessions. While a girl is treated like an object losing any kind of respect and love she had for herself. Take charge. Take charge.
Do you call this love? Love is like a light house which shows you the way in stormy night. Not something that drowns you. Love has to be between two things. It can never exist in only one object. That is not love only madness.
I am sure if I didn't feel loved by my art. I would have chosen a different path. I am a hundred percent sure. There is this poem by Gulzar on love. I just love it. Sharing it. If you had time to read my post you could listen to it too. It is more profound than my thoughts.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Pak7A0165g
1 comment:
It's another amazing piece written straight out of heart. And what's even amazing is that while it sounds so morose by the way you write, it has so much positivity around it.
Although feelings like longing and obsession are difficult to ward away. Everyone learns his/her own lessons after going through their own set of feelings. Remember that discussion, where I said everyone is born out of love, fear and greed. And no one can get fully out of this basic set of emotions ever in their lives. One can only minimise fear and greed, and that's what you've attempted to explain here.
Brilliant!
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