well welll....................it is 6:30 am and what i am doing................not slept tonight. Felt this urge to write had to sleep but i wrote because if didnot answer to this i would have been unable to sleep peacefully. I had been writing the crap that i discussed the other day........some telefilm written by a writer re written by me............... well that thing is almost complete...... few pages left thought will complete and then go to sleep but body is not ready..........but mind is, will be giving the body what it owes .............
it was 5:45 when i was done with writing thought it is morning anyway so lets go for a walk.......
took my bike went to the beach......... was walking there don't know what happened i discovered something.............. no guesses all will be wrong...............i started singing there...........then i realised i can try singing as a proffession .............i am not bad a singer by the smiles of the people i guessed so........(they may be sympathesising....maybe .......... poor boy gone crazy.....)
while they were looking at me and smiling ............
i thought do they realize that i am not on a morning walk........ i am on a walk that they had after their dinner before their sleep ..................can they see inside me..............or nobody bothers............. yes this has to be the case .................everybody lives in a world inside themselves and they come out only when they are in need or need to communicate out of boredom...............you must have realized everybody is most happy when they are with themselves................. this may be the case of the saints who go to the jungles and mountains and the silence must be giving them happinesssssssssssssssssss.
can't be done here in my case.............i have different ambitions different from their ambitions.......... not an ambition to prove anything to anyone or even to myself........... i just want to live a life..........
but who can just life a life without proving anything to anyone..............life is all about proving something or the other thing to someone, someone can be to you, your boss- i will prove him my worth, your son- i will prove him my way is the way..........and so on and on and on.................................
Well singing singing ...................i gave up on the idea of pursuing singing as a proffesion.........
because................
1. i have realized something about myself..... i don't try anything without going through a proper channel or so you can say training.............
2. if i be a success as a singer then other avenues will have limited scope for me......i will be primarily known as a singer...........which doesnot feature any where in my ambition list of PROVING. my worth.............
so...........it was dropped.....................
While i was returning i decided to have breakfast and sleep as i was feeling a bit hungry..........so bought something(won't tell you what)..............after that stopped by a tea shop for tea and biscuits............
well as i was having my tea and Parle G bisc..............a dog came running and started barking..........at a man in rags sleeping by the pavement as if that man was sleeping on his place........the man woke up...........looked for something like you do when you wake up like the glasses....................he found a stone.............started rolling it like a ball as bowlers do...............
the dog went away...........it looked all well rehearsed like they have been doing it for quite a few time...........then i caught a look of the rag man who sleeps on the pavement......................................................................................................................................
he was maybe 5'10 good physique better than mine............ clothes looked like a suit..........maybe a century ago..........long uncut hair........so was the beard........... he had a bandage on his left arm......very deep cut i guess........i wondered what it might have been ..............was it that the dog had bitten him when they had started the rehearsal............when you start something new things do go wrong............. can't say what must have happened but i really wondered how he must be fighting with the pain...........,
Who did the bandage for him..........?
Does he apply any ointment like we do when we get a simple cut............
donno........................
just then as i was watching him a lady passed him she was wearing a reebok shoe and a saree............... i thought if this lady gives him.........the amount she spend on the shoes ............this guy might live off for a few months.................but that lady didnot notice him ..................
but i was noticing him why can't i sell of my shoe and give him money.............. that may allow him to live off for atleast 15 days..............................................
but i thought otherwise......... i thought he must be a drug addict that's why he came from suit to rags.............
was he really a drug addict.....................
donno
but i needed a excuese to justify myself.......................to PROVE myself right to myself.............. so that i can sleep properly...............
isin't the same thing we all do make up excueses to justify ourselves........................
Donno..............
yesterday was election in our town......................
did he vote...................
donno
will the new representative do anything for him
donnoooooooooo i know the answer
NO
as i was cooking these things looking at him............ drinking my tea having my biscuit .....................
he, the ragman caught me redhanded looking at him and looking at him........................ what i was doing i was just looking at him....................why should i feel guilty for his state .................he is there because he is there.......................... what i have got to do with that..........................
I was about to eat my biscuit as he had looked at me.....................
there were no expression in his eyes ................he didnot hate me..............he didnot love...................he said nothing ..............he was not angry..................he didnot feel digusted that i was looking at him.............he had no problem me having biscuit and tea in front of him...................even if he had he should talk to the owner of the shop who had placed a tea shop in front of his pavement ............................................i was teasing......................him in anyway.........no...............
i was just having tea.................it is not my problem if a homeless rag man resides opposite the tea shop................... i am truly saying this............even if it is not right eating in front of a hungry homeless rag man............where i am at fault................ what should i do.................
You know what i did when he looked at me......................................
i could have done just this i looked away......................
I couldnot face him but i fail to understand why am i feeling guilty or bad.................
WHERE AM I AT FAULT?????????????????????????????????????
Sonu Anand
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